This article was written by Todd Dakin, he is one funny guy.
I‚Äôm not so audacious as to suppose that I could tell you how to better do your job.¬† I do however believe that I could tell you how to better not do your job.¬† You see, a lot of people think being lazy is easy.¬† Well, that‚Äôs because it is.¬† However, being lazy and simultaneously convincing others that you‚Äôre not is an art that few truly take the time to perfect.¬† Follow these guidelines and I assure you, you‚Äôll be not doing your job better than ever.
First and foremost, it‚Äôs important to appear to be the hardest working person in your office.¬† I‚Äôve found this is actually relatively easy to do without actually accomplishing anything.¬† The only way to get away with doing less is to act like you‚Äôre trying to do more.¬† First, make sure your desk is always covered with papers boasting big bold letters that say things like, ‚ÄúFAX‚Äù or ‚ÄúMEMORANDUM‚Äù or ‚ÄúCONFIDENTIAL – TIME SENSITIVE MATERIAL.‚Äù About every five minutes or so rustle the papers around like you‚Äôre looking through them frantically.¬† It‚Äôs good to always be muttering things to yourself under your breath too.¬† Now you need to seem stressed out, but you don‚Äôt want to be too dramatic‚Ä¶ I like to save the real histrionics for a minor meltdown every three weeks or so.¬† I‚Äôve tried the fortnight meltdown, but it makes you seem too unstable.¬†
Anyway, here‚Äôs how you pull it off: you hang up after a phone call and start complaining in broken sentences.¬† Be just loud enough so that the people around you can hear, but don‚Äôt be disruptive.¬† Say things like, ‚ÄúI don‚Äôt belie‚Ä¶uh‚Ä¶how could there‚Ä¶that‚Äôs it.‚Äù Then you walk to the water cooler, fill up a cup, take a deep breath, walk back to your desk, look at your computer, and say something to yourself like, ‚ÄúIt‚Äôs all right.¬† (Here‚Äôs where you enter a cheesy motivational adage) no one can do everything, but everyone can do something.¬† Here‚Äôs the deal Todd (yeah, refer to yourself in the third person) you know what you‚Äôre going to do?¬† You‚Äôre going to saddle this horse back up and ride it all the way to success city.‚Äù
It‚Äôs also good to have motivational posters in your cubicle.¬† I prefer the kitten on the clothesline because it‚Äôs plenty clich√©.¬† Plus, girls always think the kitten is cute which is a total plus.¬† Remember, always choose clich√© over clever‚Ä¶ clever people get fired.¬† Always try to be as machine-like as possible.
Now in regards to that whole, ‚Äúdress for success‚Äù deal: wear what‚Äôs comfortable.¬† Trust me, the only people who can become successful based on the clothing they wear are models‚Ä¶ and they can‚Äôt even pick out their own outfits.¬† Or speak for that matter.¬† Let me put this as politely as possible.¬† If we ever decide to make any advancements in our mannequin making technology, there are going to be a lot of beautiful people begging for change on street corners.
So what to do about work?¬† Heed the advice of architect Ludwig Mies van der Rohe who said, ‚ÄúLess is more.‚Äù Nobody likes a showoff.