This article was written by our good friend Schuylar Croom, frontman for North Carolina rock band He Is Legend.
Terrorism. It’s a real nightmare these days. You can’t crawl out of bed without hearing a horror story hailing from the middle east, our children can’t even attend their classes without the fear of being shot by the class nerd, and don’t even think about getting on an plane without having to disassemble your laptop while explaining the fillings in your teeth. Yes my friends the world is going to hell fast and no one really seems to be concerned. Well, why would you be concerned with all the distractions at our fingertips. Our cell phones can now play hundreds of songs, our cars pretty much drive themselves, leaving us more time to catch up on that book that you promised Oprah you would read last year. You don’t even have to pick up the phone to order a pizza anymore, the internet can handle all of that for you. Yes, In the words of Mr. Dylan himself, “the times they are a changin.”
Now don’t worry, I don’t plan to sit here and preach to you about all the silly things we Americans are doing to turn our brains into mush. I mean hell, at least you bought that book that Oprah loved so much. That’s one good thing you got going for yourself. No, I am simply here to warn you of the things that are to come. The things that the government will not tell you about. Oh they’ll brush the surface of the problems at hand. Take global warming for instance. It seems that every company these days has a plan for “going green”. They offer their cost efficient ways to be more “eco-friendly” and even get some money back from Uncle Sam in doing so. But the real reasons for trying to save the environment may not be as tree hugger as you think. Save the ozone, more like save my brains.
Now I know that this may be a little hard to swallow. But take it from a man who has seen this dark-side and battled this evil before. Zombies are real and are popping up more rampantly than rednecks at Shrimp & Steak night at Golden Corral. A scientist at the University of North Carolina who has wished to remain nameless explains “The hole in the Ozone layer is allowing space sludge to fall from the solar system, mixing with the clouds thus making a unknown chemical rain. Once the rain seeps into our cemetery soil the infection is set. It spreads like wild fire, reanimating the dead giving them an unexplained hunger not unlike that of reptiles. They will attack anything that moves.”
The U.S. government is taking the necessary precautions to correct this problem. Teaming with Hollywood to push the new found green lifestyle, along with the Special Undead Investigation Unit who monitors the unknown chemical rain with real time storm tracking devices. The S.U.I.U. can be at the scene of an outbreak within a matter of minutes. Doing everything in their power to keep these situations under-wraps. But what happens when that is just not enough. The number of people who are actually doing something to help the environment is still not enough to stop the rain from coming down. And with every day of super powered sunlight comes another day closer to a zombie armageddon. I feel that I must take it upon myself to offer a few suggestions to stay alive in a zombie infested America.
When preparing for an attack you must have your supplies at hand. Zombies are stealth hunters. They can smell human brains up to 2 miles away. Stock your house with non-perishable items and plenty of water. You should always treat a zombie outbreak like that of a severe storm warning. Board up your windows and doors, and DON’T GO OUTSIDE unless absolutely necessary. If the time comes when you do have to leave your house, take a few minutes to prepare yourself for what could happen. These things could keep you alive.
First off is protect-ant clothing. The Mesh chain garb that deep sea divers wear is ideal but may weigh you down a bit if you have to start running. A standard wet suit will do the job just fine as zombies teeth are not sharp enough to break thru the material. Make sure to guard your face and hands, wear thick socks and heavy shoes as your feet will be your biggest defense. Stay on them and you will live.
Owning weapons is touchy these days. If you carry a knife you are automatically looked at as “that dude who carries a knife” or “here comes the knife club, table for one.” But who will get the last laugh when zombies are eating their brains with their morning coffee. Bats, Chains, Axes, Gardening tools, Guns, Knives, Chairs, Lawnmowers. If you can swing it or shoot it, It will protect you from the living dead. The trick is to always aim for the head. Separating the brain from the body is the only way to take these things down. So do it fast and you will return from the video store no sweat. If you are going to carry a firearm please do it responsibly. I would also suggest carrying two just incase. You never know, one may just not be enough.
Spotting a zombie can be harder than you think. Zombies that are in the late stages of decomposition may not make it out of the cemetery without losing their limbs first. The muscles that are left are just too weak to move a body. Leg’s and arms are too heavy to move quickly. These zombies are the least of your worries. They can easily be taken out with a blow from a blunt object. There are reported cases of men pulling a badly decomposed zombies head right off of it’s body. It’s the fresher corpses that you should be afraid of. Often dressed in their sunday best, these zombies blend in well with everyday people. Notice the dirty fingernails, horrible odors, lifeless eyes and uncontrollable moaning. But be careful not to attack with prejudice, you could be hacking away at your local wino.
If you should ever find yourself surrounded by zombies do not panic. If you prepared properly you should still have a firearm in your possession. Your weapon should help to clear a path. One trick of the trade proves to be gruesome but highly effective in the skill of zombie hunting. If you come across a zombie who has already been terminated or should you put one down yourself, remove a hand or foot from the corpse and keep it on you at all times. The smell that the hunk of zombie flesh omits will keep the zombies confused, leaving them guessing whether or not you are one of them. This simple move could save you big when fighting off the undead.
Many people will read this and pass it off as a crazy right winged story to keep kids in bed at night, others will laugh it off as merely a joke. But the ones who prepare will be the ones who prevail. Or you could just drive a fuel efficient car, or even ride your bike for a change. There are a number of websites devoted to helping people understand how to practice a “green” lifestyle. Organizations all over America offer groups and classes to get you started. But good luck trying to find a zombie defense class at your local health food Co-op. So be kind to mother earth, and remember, if you save our planet, you will save your brains.
*this article was featured on August 18, 2007