You would think that there would be a trade off here with the cute and fuzzy to the loud and messy. There isn’t. I would much rather watch them run and frolic carelessly in my neighbor’s yard–as a matter of fact, I think that would be great and a good way to waste an hour of my morning. I digress.

What I want to do with those squirrels I can’t because of the hate mail I would receive, and then there are the neighbors always talking about the “gun laws”. I will tell you you exactly what I want to do with my little furry foe. I will tell you by first telling you about my uncle, trust me it will make sense in the end.

My uncle on my dad’s side, I can’t specify because there are seven, but I will tell you he is older than my dad and cleans his gun at the dinner table during dinner. One day when I was 12 my dad asked me if I wanted to go with him up to my uncle’s place. I said, “sure”, I didn’t really remember this uncle because there are seven, but I didn’t want to hang out at home because I have sisters.

So we get there in a little city called Covington, OH, where they have 5 bars and 2 stop lights. My uncle comes out of the garage and we joined him to go up to the house when he stopped dead in his tracks. He turned to my dad and said, “do you hear that?” My dad said, “what?” “Those damn squirrels are over there by my house again.” He proceeded to tell us that they had chewed their way into his house and made a giant nest where they had babies and they peed all over the attic till it soaked though the ceiling and down the wall. My dad was surprised to see my uncle return very quickly from the garage with a 12-gauge shot gun. He pulled two shells out of his pocket and my dad said to me, “son, cover your ears”. Then all of the sudden BOOM BOOM! Two toasty squirrels fell out of the tree and landed in the neighbor’s yard. Then I heard the neighbor say, “great shot, I will put these on the grill for you”.

So there you have it, this is the reason why I want to blast anything that doesn’t talk off of my property. It was the coolest thing that I have ever seen, and that is why my dad has never taken me back there. So what am I going to do? Well, due to the graphic nature of the solution, I cannot tell you, but I will tell you that when I find a “system” that works, you will be the first to know.

Welp is a flagrant corruption of the word well. The puh sound added to the end of welp enhances the conspicuousness and finality of the meaning. I am not sure how I feel about that.

Typically, welp might be said when one feels as if there is nothing else to say regarding a matter or circumstance, or that one is resigned. However, it may also be used, as I often do, when one is about to list one’s options. An example for the former would be, “Welp, see ya later!” or “Welp, that’s all there is to say.” An example for the latter would be, “Welp, we could go out to eat, go shopping, or go jump off a cliff?” or “Welp, there is a lot of confidence instilled when you take a stand in life and live with freedom, freedom to do what is right, not to do whatever one wants or desires.”

Those who only see it as a negative thing, tend that way in life. They disparage, and thus they feel disparaged themselves. Welp, as with other variations of established words, should be said with lightheartedness, not darkheartedness. That really is the key in writing and thinking about, what to do about welping: promoting the goodwill and common understanding of the usage.

I am not, by any means, advocating that everyone take up the usage of the word welp in greater frequency. In fact, I am very comfortable with people not ever using it. It is not to be used in such a way that would be to the abandonment of its highly esteemed parent: well. Welp, that is all. May you be blessed.

Slogans are interesting, as a matter of fact, the very word slogan is interesting. I mean who came up with this name and why does it sound like someone just got drunk and made it up. I mean slogan, really?? It sounds a lot like slur, or slow. The other words that start with the letters S and L aren’t that impressive, allusive maybe, but impressive definitely not! Allusive only because I can’t think of any other words that start with S and L right off the top of my head…

Moving on.

What if the word slogan had a slogan, what would it be? That’s like the question, if a tree falls in a forest when no one is around does it make a sound? Which is a yes, I think. If slogan had a slogan it would be, Slogan-The word that sums up the world. So in a world full of slogans I wonder what it would sound like if you had to say every slogan all the time…

Earlier today (today is the day dreams are made of) I was playing (because millions of people across the world love to play) words with friends (the word game that makes you seem smarter than you really are) and a thought (thinking – everyone’s doing it) crossed my mind that the world (the place where people come home to) is a scary place. When I sit (because standing is for losers) here and ponder (ponder is like wonder only more eloquent) my life (everything else is just death) I feel like I spend (spending – it makes saving look like a fat man with a donut) too much time (the other white meat (just wanted to see if you were still following)) playing games (games – why wouldn’t you?). That thought (just another thing you can do with your brain) entered my head (head or tails you can’t see without it) I was struck (like being hit but with vigor) with an idea (ideas are like storms of the mind), why not go for a run (running says, “I may not know how to exercise, but at least I’m doing something”). While on my run, I let my mind get carried (carrying is for the birds, get carried today!) away, I then decided that we should build (building is what men do when they are bored…) a tree house (houses are the new black).

This is just the tip of the iceberg, just imagine a world where slogans are used to describe every person in a few short letters… wait, isn’t that what facebook is doing? Crap… new idea!

Why? Ok, but why? It is not like we are talking about different species of dog or different types of bird. We are talking about a kitchen utensil. I am here to contend that the rubber, and sometimes silicone spatula, should have its own distinct name in order to differentiate it from the pancake flipper spatula.

Yes, you thought right. This is a momentous event. Once again, we are on the cusp of creating a new paradigm in kitchen organization and classification. We here at WTDA are always on the cusp. What would be the perfect name for our little, fellow scraper? Scrapula? Flapula? Rubber Scrubber? E petuti scrapa? I think we should call it a rubber paddle… or for you Spanish speakers, a paleta de goma.

Hey! Hand me the rubber paddle, I need to scrape the bowl!

Sold! Rubber paddle it is! Spread the word! So let it be written, so let it be done!

In fact, I just misspelled grammar at the top of this article. There is no time, no time to think, I got to type. I can’t stop to sound things out or say “i before e except after c”. I have work to do! I must hurry!, to what, I don’t know, but make no mistake, I’ll be there early. Wherever “there” is.

Sure, I’ll leave out a comma or two, and even spell your when it should be you’re… I guess it all comes down to patience and attention to detail. Or is it too patience? Who knows?… I am just glad that I have friends like, Tim, who aren’t afraid to spell check me. Well, I guess it doesn’t have anything to do with fear so much as it does have to do with readability. Is that a word?

So what does one do down here on the bottom of the grammar food chain? You get real good at taking suggestions… Ok, ok…. Tim just yelled at me and said they are rules, not suggestions, or something like that. I wasn’t much for rules, but suggestions roll off my back like water on a ducks ass. I am just thankful that I haven’t misspelled any tattoos, that would suck.

Clingy people are usually emotionally unstable, but not as a whole, just in one or two areas. It’s either because of rejection, poor parenting, substance abuse or they pour crazy for breakfast every morning, who really knows? All I can tell you is how to survive them, it’s not hard, it will just take some duct tape, needle nose pliers and a little bit of know-how!

How to tell if your friend has C.F.S Clingy Friend Syndrome:

1. They get pissed off when they are not invited to things that you are invited to
2. These friends are the coolest people on the planet one minute and quite crazy the next
3. These friends mean well, but don’t really know what well means
4. They always want to know what you are doing and are never calling to invite you to something
5. These friends will take anyones advice that seems a little more stable then they
6. C.F.S’s will always be a true friend to you, so long as you are already emotionally committed to another individual

I know, I know, now your feelings are hurt, I can’t say that I am surprised, but remember that I am the married guy! The one that has one emotional attachment to another individual, so it’s safe to assume that you will not get hurt. So you can be truthful with me and yourself, and step up to the plate of personal responsibility and tell yourself that you are the cause of your problems. Why? Because this is what a therapist would do (not “the rapist” either) no really… Saw it on TV. I know it’s true because it has helped me in my job with my clients, as soon as they realize that they have a weight problem and it wasn’t caused by anyone else but themselves. This, this I tell you, is where we make progress!!

So stop surrounding yourself with yes friends and start making some changes to your life that will help you to not be so clingy. If you have a friend with C.F.S then just remember that this friend or friends don’t see this as a flaw, and they will probably blame you for their shortcomings. It’s no big deal, at least they will always come right back when they realize that no one else will talk to their craziness.

I love my C.F.S friends, they are loyal and they love me, but if I have to give the same advice twice I might have to haul off and hit their mothers. I mean, come on, really? Pick yourself off the floor and take a look in the mirror. Once you fix you, the rest will just happen, people will start liking you or even loving you, you may have a sustainable relationship that is with someone other than a family member or someone that is already committed to someone else emotionally and you could even cure your foot odor, who knows it could help… I think!

I have 7 people on speed dial if we need them, but it’s a crap shoot. So, when we get one, we like to make sure we treat them right. You know? Cookies, fruit, and other delicious snacks. All I ask is that you follow some very simples rules, that is, if you plan on getting paid.

1. No boys
2. Do the dishes
3. Keep the lights off unless you are in the room
4. Take the dog out
5. Don’t let the kids jump on the furniture
6. Pick up the toys
7. Make the kids go to bed at 8:30
8. No candy
9. No gold fish
10. No texting
11. Clean the bathroom
12. Change the outside light bulb
13. Sweep the kitchen
14. Teach the dog to sit
15. Pull the oldests tooth
16. Lock the door, but be ready to unlock it as soon as we pull up

Is this too much to ask for? I think it’s reasonable, if you can do these things you stand to make a couple of bucks. Sounds nice doesn’t it?

See, when the fashion stops making sense then it crosses over to nonsense. There are some things in the fashion world that are timeless and will always be classy… I don’t think however, that scarves are in that category. It’s just my humble opinion, but when you cross cold weather wear with fashion you are going the wrong direction with fashion freedom. I mean when will it stop, sleeveless shirts in the winter, ski coats in the dead of summer, I see no end to the insanity.

The real gold in fashion is the ability to make classy yet original choices, when this happens you are not the follower but the followee. You will be on the cutting edge of fashion, as you introduce things thought of by you, grabbing onto something from a celebrity that has only seen it from another celebrity. Where does it end?

So if you are out there wearing a scarf with a trucker hat with crocs and holey jeans then you missed the fashion short bus and now you will have to walk. Get out there and express yourself with timeless fashion that always give back to the community, or some crap like that.

You may think you know a lot about us, for instance, the sports we like or the way we like to share our hearts with the ladies or even our tendencies with the opposite sex, to this I say fooey! You know nothing, Ok a little something, but we as males are complicated individuals with a real sense of adventure. You may also think you know about what men have to eat to “earn” their manhood, well not their manhood, but the “manhood”.
Got it? Good!

Burritos are at the top of my list of foods that make me tick, but not just any burrito, no no. It has to be the size of your head and taste good too. Much like, but not limited to a Chipotle’ burrito, it has to be a two handed meal for reasons I cannot disclose. Just know that if it doesn’t fit in both hands than it’s not worth putting in your mouth.

The burrito must be a warm one at the least, but not to the touch, more with the spice, a burrito without spice is like a girl without hair it just ain’t right. When searching for the right burrito, there is a guide you must follow, and ladies if you are looking to make up for something by buying your man a burrito (like a $200 grocery bill that doesn’t include a burrito) then you will want to listen up.

- Two hands a must
- Wrapped in foil a plus but not MANditory
- Filled with meat
- Full of wonderful spices
- Smells as good as it tastes
- Fills us up with out letting us down
- Requires a deep breath or a rest when the center is reached
- Goes great with hot sauce
- Makes us sleep when we are done

Now you can shop with ease ladies, you know what they say “the way to a mans heart is through his stomach”.

Yet another lesson learned from WhatToDoAbout.com now get off your butt and go tell your friends.

I go get me a burrito!

You all may remember the class action law suit from a lady that claimed that she didn’t know the coffee from the Mc Donalds drive thru would be hot. It was laughable, but she won like 2 million in a settlement, so I guess the only one laughing now is the lady with the burnt crotch, or er…maybe not. Anyway this seems to be a problem for me. I like coffee and have to be up at the butt crack of dawn for my job (which I might add, I love). I think a cup o’ joe is a good way for me to kick my brain in the balls so that I can at least think in the morning.

I have a travel mug that I acquired years ago, back when I would enjoy a kirspy kreme donut every other night. This mug has been with me through thick and thin, good years and bad, happy times and not so happy times. This mug has hit the ground two or three times and lost its top, like 2 years ago. Not a problem, as I like it topless! I can still sip from it without the lid… or can I?

I can remember the first time that this cup started its downward turn. I was heading to church and just as I pulled out of the drive way I sipped the coffee and then it jumped out right onto my shirt. I was not happy because I had to back up the car and go change, not cool.

Well, I have since replaced this mug after many years of good times and now I have a new mug that is a little less dangerous. Now I can sip with freedom, I can enjoy my coffee with utter disregard for my pants…wait that sounds funny, well, you know what I mean. I get my coffee as I head out the door, but I love it so much that I try and sneak a sip then AH! I burn my tongue… stupid coffee! Now I have a patch of dead taste buds that will be out for the day. Does this stop me from drinking more, sure doesn’t. I try again, only to discover its still really hot, I just want to enjoy my coffee, let me in, let me love you!

About 15 minutes into my 20 minute trip my coffee is cooler now and I begin to sip furiously because I cannot take it in with me. So I am sitting in the parking lot or driveway trying to get it down at the last second. Finally I have an empty mug. 20 minutes later I have to pee, then every 20 minutes after that. Stupid coffee!

You see I like to enjoy my coffee so when I have to hurry there is no enjoyment, there is nothing but frustration and angst, pure angst.

Here is how I plan on resolving this issue, getting up and going straight to the kitchen and heating some water to just about a boil I will pull the water and make some wonderful french press coffee. This will make it much easier to drink, but tends to make it a little more stout. No problem though, I will now have a clean safe crotch and a mind that’s as smart as a tack, or maybe more like a butter knife. Either way I win!