Other kids though, they are quite different. As a matter of fact we had a child over that was quite found of condiments. Not only that, the boy loved cheese, he wanted it on everything. He asked for cheese for lunch and dinner, but the kicker was when he asked for it on his pancakes. Pancakes!!

I believe his words were “I would really like this with cheese”. I can’t understand if he was serious or just buying time to avoid actually eating his breakfast. Either way it sounded real nasty!

Why are our kids like this? They seem to only be attracted to the worst foods and/or the worst foods for you. I mean, our cheese was good… we don’t fool with that crap yellow cheese, no sir, we like our cheese raw… from raw milk, it’s delicious! So maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I mean, you could do way worse– like hot sauce!

If your kid wants to cheese it, just tell them to chill out. Food is made to be different! And no ketchup either! No matter what, unless it’s with french fries fried in avocado oil. No ketchup on the toothbrush either!

Happy parenting!

The most recent, and slightly funnier thing that my kids have been saying is, “really dad”, which is funny, but after they have been sprayed with the hose from the rooftop or given a wet willy, it is even more grand! I implore you to try it, and when your 2 year old says, “weally daad”, you will laugh till you pee a little. It’s so darn cute, and it is way better than calling anyone a bastard. As adults you don’t really realize that you overuse words everyday. Words like:

-Really
-Fail
-Epic Fail
-Inconceivable
-Like
-It’s Kind Of Funny
-Awkward
-That’s Random
-What

That was just to name a few, I mean, come on. Things are only as awkward as you make them, if you don’t get that, then you fail, epic fail. Really? I think it goes without saying, like for real. It’s kind of funny how inconceivable that is, that’s really random.

Check yo self before yo wreck yo self!

I have 7 people on speed dial if we need them, but it’s a crap shoot. So, when we get one, we like to make sure we treat them right. You know? Cookies, fruit, and other delicious snacks. All I ask is that you follow some very simples rules, that is, if you plan on getting paid.

1. No boys
2. Do the dishes
3. Keep the lights off unless you are in the room
4. Take the dog out
5. Don’t let the kids jump on the furniture
6. Pick up the toys
7. Make the kids go to bed at 8:30
8. No candy
9. No gold fish
10. No texting
11. Clean the bathroom
12. Change the outside light bulb
13. Sweep the kitchen
14. Teach the dog to sit
15. Pull the oldests tooth
16. Lock the door, but be ready to unlock it as soon as we pull up

Is this too much to ask for? I think it’s reasonable, if you can do these things you stand to make a couple of bucks. Sounds nice doesn’t it?

Slipping hot sauce into my kid’s food is funny, but putting it in the ketchup bottle lid is just priceless. Try it and see if you don’t laugh till you pee a little in your pants. His face fills with joy as he is so excited to destroy some ketchup with a handful of homemade fries. Then, after a hearty dip, his face turns to one of fear. Then, as the food falls out of his mouth, you are at such a high that you laugh uncontrollably when he yells, “I hate you dad!”. After that incident, of course all I have to do now is look at him and he starts crying, then his mother has to tell him that I didn’t do anything because we don’t even have any hot sauce.

Imagine my excitement when I had a client bring me some cinnamon-chile-chocolate from a local chocolatier. This chocolate was spicy and maybe even a little hot, I liked it as did my youngest, but the wife and my oldest actually spit it out. My oldest ran to the water before he spit his out, his reaction was just what I had hoped for. I got the “look” from the wife. This look suggested that I was too mean for my own good, I assured her that it was hereditary. Then I reminded her of the flaming burrito of 95‘.

Give your kids spicy food! It’s a riot and who knows, maybe in the future they will actually thank you for it, it’s not likely, but one can hope, right?

Something I never thought of as a kid, is that, maybe I just didn’t like vegetables and was more of a meat eater. Or, maybe I am a carb kid like my oldest son. He takes after his mother with his overwhelming need to have pasta, noodles or toast. As where my youngest loves meat and vegetables, this is how I know he is not mine. But that is another blog on another site somewhere…

I find myself demanding my kids to eat their dinner and stop crying, well, not both kids just the one that doesn’t like vegetables. I know he is like me to some extent, but I sure don’t remember being so crazy about it. Crying while he is eating is not a pretty site, might I add. Just tonight he was nibbling on a piece of broccoli so as to make it look like he was taking a bite, but just then it fell on the ground. This made me really upset, and the dog really happy… I guess that is the one plus-side to the whole thing, my four-legged vacuum cleaner of a dog. He was in and out like lightning, no sooner had the food hit the floor and there is this black blur and then a burp. Just like that, the floor is clean.

I used to play this game with my dog at home, I would sit there till my parents got tired of watching me. They would leave the room, still yelling mind you, but from the living room. I would give bite by bite to my dog so that I could get up and maybe pee before bed. Sitting there for hours was a massive pain! I think I have a new way to deal with it, you see, my parents would put said food back in the fridge and warm it back up for lunch or dinner the next day. What if I just told my kids that if they didn’t eat, then I would put it back in the fridge for them to eat later, then tell them that they weren’t allowed to have anything for a whole day unless it was there dinner?

I think it could work, especially if I have them watch videos of starving kids in Africa at the same time. That is it! No food for 24 hours plus “feed the children” footage. This will make them thankful for their dinner, no?

Well, I remember just last week, when we came home from that very scenario, nestled in the bed with our youngest boy. The feeling of the warm covers, the smell of my pillow after a long week away, the feel of the next day being open to sleep in. Drifting into sleep, I am taken swiftly to a sweet dream filled with white puffy clouds and puppies rolling and playing in the tall meadow grass. Just then, I hear a brook and I wander over to see it and find that the water is warm. I jump into the water, swim over to a little waterfall, and play in the falling water. I notice that the water has a fragrance… it is not a pleasant smell at all. As a matter of fact it is quite horrible, it smells like… like…. VOMIT! All over me!!

My son who, might I add, was sleeping in between my wife and I, coughed so hard and with his head cocked back that he threw up like a fire hydrant. And no, not like a fire hydrant on a hot day in the middle of the summer, but more like a fire hydrant after you just warmed up from a run. The water from said hydrant was hot and smelled of old meat and stagnant dairy.

My kids tend to vomit like a tidal wave on some rocks, wet and pissed off! It is never in a trash can or a toilet and it usually finds its way up the walls, behind car seats, and all over my face!

There are ways to avoid kids and vomit:

-Don’t have kids.
-Don’t take your kids out of your home (this will help them to stay well).
-Don’t let your kids sleep in your bed. No matter how tired and lazy you are.
-Don’t feed your kids things that will knowingly compromise their immune systems and then wonder why they are sick.

I would love to see your suggestions on this subject. Please let us know how you deal with your kids vomit.

My slightly older sister would always start laughing when she or we (her, me and my younger sister) would get in trouble. So there we would be, lined up against the wall trying not to laugh while my mom asked us, who did what? It was the same old interrogation process that we have seen so many times before. My older sister would be so nervous for the ensuing beating that she would just start laughing. This did not fair well with my mom, it actually made her quite mad. So mad that I am pretty sure steam came out of her ears once… Mom would warn her but to no avail, soon we would all get beat for her laughing. Ah… corporal punishment for a crime committed by the single weakest link in the group. We got away with nothing when she was around.

This went on for some time, there were many beatings or spankings because of her bloody laughing. You can imagine why I would have a tiddle bit of angst for this expression. I soon stopped liking certain girls after they displayed such character, it was an instant reflection of my sister and soon meant that I was going to be spanked and not in the good way either.

I have since had a change of heart and realized that this laughter can be quite rewarding since I am always looking for an audience for this comic show I put on everyday. It’s actually an ego boast, as if I needed one… right? But nonetheless I have made peace with the fact that there is not a blistering spanking coming after the giggling.

Seeing someone with a smile all the time even when they call you names like: A-hole, awkward, inappropriate, dirt bag and well anything with the last name ass. It is still uplifting and some times worth it, if it weren’t for the very joy I get from making her sore from working out, then well, I might have to keep her at a distance. Which might be hard given the fact that she and my wife are buddies.

So your girl giggles, deal with it! It’s better than one who constantly folds her arms and rolls her eyes every time you tell a joke. Smiles can take you miles fellahs, even if she doesn’t like your hairy back, constant burping, the occasional fart and your obsession with scratching your own butt.

There is one thing you need to be prepared for once you have twins: everybody and their mother will smile at you and say “Boy, you have your hands full.” A nice observation and one that might win in the world’s biggest understatement contest. You see, once you have twins you’ll quickly discover that it is not twice the work, but three times the work. This is because with one kid you can always hand the bundle of joy over to your spouse to take a break, but with twins, you’ve each got a kid to deal with ALL THE TIME.

When my wife and I learned that we had twins, we were shell shocked. We didn’t really have a clue what we were going to be getting into. Oh no. It doesn’t help that our twins are… shall we say… high maintenance. So much so, that when my wife and I watch those shows on the telly with sextuplets or what not we literally cry. I kid you not, we flipping cry. Oh yea, if you’re having twins… buy some Kleenex. And beer.

On the other hand, taking into account the counseling and the hair wringing, when one has twins there is always the knowledge that the pair will always have a friend to play with. They’re always going to have someone to confide in. It helps in our case that there is an older sibling that is only two years older. You can see that the three boys are going to be fast friends.

As for you and your wife, if you’re lucky to survive their ascent into adulthood… well, I guess I can’t speak to that. Perhaps I’ll be too worn out. They’ll all leave the house but I’ll be as lifeless as a piece of paper. That’s how I feel right now, typing out this essay.

On one point I think I will stand firm, though. Women seem to think that just because you’ve got twins, everything has to match. I think that this really has the potential to torpedo their own uniqueness. Plus, it’s plain silly some times. They don’t even like the same things some times. So, let me strongly suggest to you men out there that you man up, and when your wife wants to get all sentimental and wants to mirror the children off of each other, you bow to her demands immediately. Trust me. Your free time as a married couple will be limited as it is, if you get my meaning, and you want to choose your battles carefully. Who cares about their little egos! What are you thinking, dude?

So, you may as well get used to the fact that you’re about to have two of everything and you’re going to be tired out of your mind. You may wish to consider an “Everybody Loves Raymond” scenario. It saved my sanity.

*this article was featured on September 12, 2007

Oh the joy of procreation. A new baby in your house, the pitter patter of little feet eating all of your food, sucking down all your milk and not to mention your money. Actually, kids remind me of a school bully, except with kids you get beat up at night while you are trying to sleep and they take your money the moment they get out of bed. Not to mention that your beautiful bride is now a referee for this non-stop game of life. By the time you get to spend any time with her, she is either tired and already asleep, or she is talking baby talk to you while wiping the drool off of your chin. She forgets what make-up is and she is not sure of the last time that she got a bath. Although I must say… it is kind of nice when she cuts up my food as well as the kids.

Kids can be great though… don’t get me wrong. I love mine even when they are robbing me of my bed and peeing in the tub. They are a gift, a gift that you don’t expect like the battery-powered toothbrush your grandma gave you last year for Christmas or the flat tire when you are on your way to a super bowl party.

I am not here to discourage you from having kids, but I want to give you the real story versus the fairytale. For instance, I like to read but every time I sit down to do so my son is always asking me “dad lets go outside” or “dad can I have some cheerios” or “dad I have to pee” and that’s my cue… I have to make a mad dash to get the boy to the toilet (nearest tree) before he wets himself, then I end up getting him his cheerios and watching him play outside. I don’t want to be a bad parent, I just want to get some things done of my own. The kids of course are more important… so we play. He can throw a ball better than me but he still runs like a girl, all in good time I guess.

Two days later when I am vacuuming the same cheerios out of the couch, I find my book under a cushion all smashed up and it seems to have pictures in it now. They are colored quite badly while some pages are missing altogether. This is when I have to take a minute to breathe and not get angry…yeah right, I am going to kill that kid as soon as I get my hands on him. Mommy soon finds me and reminds me that he probably did it because it was on the couch and not put away like it should be and “you can’t expect him to know that was not to be colored on, besides you didn’t put it away”. That’s when it all comes back to me, I remember the other day when I was reading and my son had to pee. I took him and ended up playing frisbee till it was time for bed. She was right again… although I never told her. Mothers are great at that and my wife is no exception.

It‚Äôs no coincidence that while I was writing this very article that my son wanted to sit by me and play on his computer. It was then that he saw my water and wanted a drink. Now, I don‚Äôt drink water out of a normal glass‚Ķ mine is a Viking mug that I got at a thrift store a year ago. So I say to my son ‚Äúyes you can drink from daddy‚Äôs glass‚Äù (or jug depending on what side of the world you are on). He has done this many times before so I was not too worried. He successfully took a drink and that‚Äôs when it happened. He put it back on the table and it tips over right into my computer. This is another situation when you need to exercise control. My first reaction was kill kill, kill… instead I quickly grabbed the computer and flipped it upside down to keep the water from running inside. I told my son to go and get me a towel, but he was already gone, he likes to run and hide when he sees daddy get mad. Why he does this I don‚Äôt know‚Ķbut it‚Äôs not because I have on more than one occasion been very mad and yelled a lot. So no towel. When I found him he had the towel in his hand and was crying like a baby. I got the towel and wiped down the computer and everything seems fine now.

I can’t help but think that I could of avoided the whole situation by not sitting there when he said he wanted water. If I would have got up and gotten him the water in his sippy cup he would have drank it just the same and I would have lower blood pressure right now.

So lets see if I can sift this all out for you. To be a good parent you have to at least try. Don’t be lazy or uncaring. There is an exchange of respect between children and parents. I can admit I am a little lazy sometimes when it comes to my kids, but this I will work on. If you don’t think you are lazy and your kids do not respect you, then you are lazy and that’s their way of telling you.

I would like to think that my kids would be better people by default than I am… that can’t happen unless I give them all of me so they will have something to exceed. I know it sounds kind of stupid, but I am living it, and you did search for the article. Unless you are reading it by chance, in that case consider it as advice.

So have some kids and don‚Äôt be afraid of the curve balls that may come your way. Your kids will have quite an adventure in growing up and they need you to get through it‚Ķ and you need to chill out. So to all you married folk… happy humping! Enjoy everything from conception to graduation, you‚Äôll be a better person for it. As for my wife and I, we are going to love each other whenever we get a chance. I will make time for her and that will give her the energy to keep going with the kids. Maybe in the end she will love me too, even though I make bigger messes and she gets wet when I wet the bed too.

I have to go my son is peeing in the yard again (like father, like son).

*this article was featured on August 20, 2007