The most recent, and slightly funnier thing that my kids have been saying is, “really dad”, which is funny, but after they have been sprayed with the hose from the rooftop or given a wet willy, it is even more grand! I implore you to try it, and when your 2 year old says, “weally daad”, you will laugh till you pee a little. It’s so darn cute, and it is way better than calling anyone a bastard. As adults you don’t really realize that you overuse words everyday. Words like:

-Really
-Fail
-Epic Fail
-Inconceivable
-Like
-It’s Kind Of Funny
-Awkward
-That’s Random
-What

That was just to name a few, I mean, come on. Things are only as awkward as you make them, if you don’t get that, then you fail, epic fail. Really? I think it goes without saying, like for real. It’s kind of funny how inconceivable that is, that’s really random.

Check yo self before yo wreck yo self!

I don’t do much to the woman, an occasional pinch in the pants or maybe I will jump out from behind something. I can’t really remember too much of why she would be so bent on revenge. I do remember doing the dutch oven a couple or ten times, then there was the pushing while she was showering, but that was just funny. Despite all this I still can’t think of anything that would spark so much anger, she is so meek I didn’t think she would at all mind if I hid her clothes after her shower. It could be the time that I acted like I was dead, floating in the tub, but I doubt it.

She does let me write about her alot and says that “as long as people laugh, it doesn’t matter what you say about me”. I thought that was cool, she is cool… it was a cool thing to say. Still I can’t think of any reason to fight back, I mean it’s all good fun like the other day when she said don’t throw me in the pool, but I just assumed she was being shy and threw her in anyway.

Oh wait, maybe it was the time when I reached my hand in behind her and tickled her like a spider and she friggin flipped out. Maybe the time when I turned off the shower, or yesterday when I dumped ice water on her. Yeah, she hates… maybe that is why the other night while I was trying to take a pee before bed she decided it was time to snap and push me.

Yeah she pushed me hard and I peed all over the place, man that made me mad. I guess I deserved it. She laughed long and hard about that. So much so that she was shaking the bed for about 30 minutes, I think that made it even worse.

What to do about teasing your wife? Stop it.

My friends like to sleep in and I, being a father of 2, have to get up with the friggin roosters in the morning because my boys don’t understand “sleeping in”. This leads me to my theory, “if I am up, so must my loser friends across the street”.

This last weekend, I had some other friends in town from Ohio, one of whom is a friend from the car tagging days of old. We still appreciate a good prank… whether it’s to each other (mindless shots to the groin) or to others (mindless shots to the groin). This being said we know how to get down when it comes to pranking.

So we plotted and planned and then after hitting each other in the twig and berries we got down to business. We went over to the house at about 8:45 am after a nice late night around a bonfire, for which I knew one of these fellahs was probably still sound asleep. After banging on every door and every window in the house somebody finally answered the door and we did not hesitate to tackle him to the ground and then quickly ran upstairs to “dog pile” poor bastard number one who was trying to sleep. Did I mention that we hit every window in the house including but not limited to the second story windows via the roof. I know we are very thorough!

Once we dog piled Ben upstairs we decided to go back downstairs with all his blankets… we stuffed these in the bathroom up on a shelf. Needless to say we were glad he wasn’t naked, but we would have done the same thing either way.

Now that we were downstairs we found poor bastard number two back in bed (still groggy) so we decided to go and spoon with him. Why? Because given his state we were sure to get a great reaction from him. I took the back as I wrapped my arms around him gripping his pecks tightly while Steve curled up in his arms.

He did not like this. It’s almost as if he didn’t know he had let us in to begin with! His reaction was gold! We couldn’t have planned it any better. He woke up saying “hey, hey, hey, wh, wh, whats going on?” to which we replied “don’t fight it, just love me”. Up like a bolt of lightning!

We staggered out the door laughing hysterically and on our way out we left all the doors open… wide open. This made him mad and he said “shut the doors, can’t you shut the doors?” as he tried to get the screen door shut which was in itself quite funny he muttered “deusch bags”. Ah, comic bliss, this is why we do what we do.

So I suggest you do it and then you will see it, the comedy unfold… glorious! Go kick the crap out of your friends, some things are much more fun when they are at the expense of others.

In order to stop this behavior you will have to do some thinking. The revenge has to be satisfying visually and impact him emotionally. Hit him where it hurts. In order to do this you must know what kind of guy this is. In my case he loves his cars, no matter how crappy they are. While I’m thinking of a particular prank to pull on his car this fellow plows into my car (you can see this video on “What to do about your beater car”) Screw it, no planning just frustration and anger. I go immediately to his house with a golf club and smash his rear windshield. The pressure is gone, I feel relieved. To sum up the moral of this story, if you are faced with a battle of revenge do it at your most angry, hateful moment and you will see the best results.

PS: He hasn’t come near my property or called me since.

 

Halloween is a combination of three different traditions passed down and some of which were confused. The word was derived from a few things; All saints day (1st of November) Eve of hallows (all Hallows Eve) or Hallow Even. The celebration of Halloween was originally the new years celebration for the Celts, the eve of Samhain or “winters eve”. It was originally believed that the dead and disembodied spirits of all those who had died that year would come back in search of a body to posses for the next year. It was believed to be their only hope for the after life. All who were alive of course did not want to be possessed by these souls so on the night of October 31st, villagers would put out their fires in their homes to make them cold and unpleasant then dress up in ghoulish costumes and parade around the city making as much noise as possible to frighten away the spirits looking for a body to posses. Food and drink (which I’d say accounted for the crazy actions of the villages, not the fear of being possessed) would be left out for these costume wielding villages.

This practice was started around the ninth century in Europe by the church… but you should probably look that up because I only have so much time. With that said, I think Halloween is kind of stupid and dangerous to anyone trying to live a responsible “spiritual life”. I know, I know, what does that mean? Well, it means that it was founded on the idea that souls are left in limbo and looking to posses a body and “trick or treat” was founded on the idea that people could give gifts to have their loved ones prayed out of “limbo”… which is not only asinine but not exactly a practice I want to explain to my kids. I mean come on, this is a history lesson and my kids do not need the candy.

As for what to do about this holiday, I am going to scare the crap out of the brats that wander around my house this year. Or at the very least, bore them with the story of Halloween. Stay tuned for the video… it’s going to be a lot of fun.

*this article was featured on October 29, 2007

Itching sucks! If you have poison ivy then you know this. Poison ivy is like a disease of itching, swelling, and bleeding. Many times you will discover that you have poison ivy in the middle of the night after your skin dries out. Then the itching starts. You will itch and itch and itch without even realizing you are itching. The pain that comes from this weed will make everything that you do really suck, things that you do everyday… like wearing clothes or putting on your shoes, not to mention showering.

You might be wondering how you got this itchy little gift. Well don’t ask me, I have no idea. All I can tell you is that the only way to get rid of it is not to itch it. Most people get it from rubbing against the plant in the woods or the one growing in your bushes, garden, or behind the shed. The ivy seems to like the shade and moisture, very rarely does it grow in the direct sunlight. There is more than one way to get this crap. You can even get it from the dead plant even after it has set for a very long time. Another way to get it is if you just happen to burn it in your wonderful bonfire that you are admiring so proudly… and of course this can be the deadliest of all, depending on how allergic you are to it.

Once again, poison ivy sucks. Itching in general sucks, no matter if you have poison ivy or crabs. A piece of advice, don’t get poison ivy on your balls. Yes, it is unpleasant and very uncomfortable; it is kind of like sitting on a porcupine. No wait, it is more like stuffing steel wool in your pants… at least that is what I have heard. I have only “enjoyed” poison ivy on two occasions. First, when I used to work in the lawn care field, I was sent to a job to take down a bush that was really more like a tree. This tree was about 15 feet in diameter, 18 feet tall, and covered in pure poison. The one thing you learn when doing landscape work is to recognize what poison ivy and poison oak look like. Well this is where I failed. I did not think this was the stuff because it was kind of white in color and had holes in it. So my accomplice and I proceeded to cut it down with a chain saw and his bare hands. We get it all cut down and put it in the dump truck in just 2 hours… we were feeling really good about getting it done super fast. This feeling would only last for about 12 hours. That night I woke up and found blood on my sheets and then noticed that my legs were bleeding and swollen. It was like sleeping in needles while rubbing alcohol on the open wounds. It always feels good to itch it till you stop… then there is that rush of pain. Needless to say, I did not sleep very well that night. The next day I went back to work even though I could not stop itching. One thing I did do right in order to keep from itching, I ran the infected areas under hot water until the itching sensation went away, and then dried it. This feels as good as itching but is much better for soothing the pain. I only suffered for about 2 days.

My friend that was with me that day called me at work and said he would be late, when I asked him why he said, “dude I think it was poison ivy that we cut down”. I said “yeeeaaah, I am pretty sure it was”. While I was the cutter with the chain saw and only got the poison on my legs from the sawdust being thrown, he was the loader and was picking it up in a bear hugging fashion. Not to mention that it was about 95 degrees out side and he was sweating ten times more than I. So when he came to work (after getting a cortisone shot) he had it from head to toe… yes including the “wedding tackle”, he could barely walk. It looked like he had a disease, like scurvy or something.

If you are going to partake in these games there are some ground rules you should be aware of. They are very important and if you ignore them the pranks will get personal or painful. These two things are not fun and usually lead to someone’s mother being called, or worse, the cops. So listen up.

First- you will want to remember that the most important rule is to never touch a dude’s car. This is off limits unless you are cruising for a bruising. If this is the case then proceed with caution. If not, remember only the car is off limits so your cup of ice to the crotch while your buddy is driving is still very funny.

Second- never ever mess with a guys woman. This includes their mother, don’t ask… it is complicated and I didn’t know that the rabbit could bite and clearly she didn’t know her alcohol limits. Although, if you have an inside person like a girlfriend assisting you in your prank this is a great advantage to you.

Third- remember your prank will bring consequences so plan accordingly. Cover your bases and make sure you are out of harms way when your guard is down. OR… never let your guard down. Sometimes you look silly when you are all fidgety, but stay on your game.

Speaking of game, if you are going to bring it, bring it hard and make sure there is some shock value. This will give you some run time or at least some laugh time before you get yours. With this said you are ready to begin and begin you shall. I have a lot of experience in this area so I will share some of my favorite pranks with you. Just make sure you reference this article. I can’t have you stealing my thunder.

One prank I used to do with an ex-employee back when I was cutting grass for a living is fun and never gets old. This prank is a great starter for all you beginners out there who don’t want to get the crap knocked out of you.

Take a minute and close your eyes and picture two sweaty guys eating their lunch in the front seat of a Ford F-150 on a hot summer day after mowing an apartment complex. There is not a lot of room in this truck and we both have our lunches on our laps and we are eating over the center armrest which is pretty big. This armrest is where the act takes place. I have drawn an imaginary line on the armrest to illustrate that I am the boss and what I say goes even at lunch. This line as it were, is right down the center, which is fair I think until the peon thinks he can put his half full Gatorade bottle on the line. Now granted this line is invisible but I know where it is and I keep my eye on it at all times. So I see that the bottle is on the line and I make sure that the boy makes eye contact with me. Then I look down and he understands what’s going on. I then say “son is that bottle across the line?” he says “no sir”. Before he can let the period at the end of his sentence rest, the bottle is in the field next to us. Have no fear it is sealed but still in the middle of a freshly cut lawn. This brings much laughter from me and then the other guy in the back that is no stranger to this joke. Then my face straightens and I continue to eat my lunch. This is when the boy realizes that I am not getting out of the truck to retrieve his beverage and his shoulders lower as he gets out of the truck and proceeds to wipe off the grass clippings from his bottle. Then he returns to the truck to find that just before his door latch is pulled I hit the auto lock button. More laughter this time and I cannot stop. I laugh all the way to the next job. This is where I give the prankee an attaboy by letting him enjoy the spoils of the riding mower seat as a thank you for being a good sport.

This joke is also great with keys… just ask your friend to see his cool key chain with a straight face as to not give it away. Then just toss the keys anywhere you like. I love this trick it’s especially fun in Home Depot where you get the added distance and embarrassment of a home improvement chain.
Moving on now… there is another prank that makes me laugh till I cry. This one will hurt a little so time it just right.

Take another trip with me back in time as I remember when my friends and I where walking away from a ballpark after a baseball game. We were headed down a busy street in the downtown area and we were walking in twos. One friend and I are in front and the victim and the other friend are in the back or following us to our parking space. This is when I spot some newspaper machines, you know the ones with the apartment guide in them. They are kind of like a newspaper stands except they don’t take a coins because they are free. I see about 6 in one row and realize this will be the perfect opportunity to take action. Now keep in mind that the street is busy and there is not a lot room to move. So we are walking briskly down the sidewalk and I walk by these boxes first, as I approach the last one I pull the door all the way down and as I let go the victim runs right into the door. This did elicit some humorous anger from him so make sure that you use caution when you plan your escape. Also take note that the plastic doors are best don’t use glass this could backfire and you could feel really bad.

Next we shall talk about fun with water. The next prank takes perfect timing and you will need to plan well and keep a straight face the whole time. First, you will want to set your friend up by inviting him over to help you move something heavy like a table or even better, a heavy block. This is fun first because he will want to out muscle you especially if there are ladies present, so let him. While he has the heavy item take a drink of your water and as he approaches take your water and aim for the wedding tackle, trouser snake, twig and berries, or if you can find it… his penis. Next throw the water on him realizing that the item he is carrying is to heavy to drop so he can’t move and has to take it like a man while you and the ladies laugh. Keep in mind that you don’t need water at all, you can use anything. Another fun thing is to find a sturdy stick or broom handle and when he walks by take it to the fingers… this is a great time.

Remember the better friend lets his poor victim get the best of him sometimes, or not at all. This will keep you looking out for each other any other time. So choose wisely, make your move, own it and don’t do it half way, commit. This will maximize the fun, had by… well, pretty much just you. Great pranks take planning so next time you put Vaseline on his front door handle leave no evidence and make sure you can watch from your house. When you take the labels off of his canned foods make sure he doesn’t have a key to your house or when you decide to stand on your roof with a garden hose ready to put out his fire, that you have an alternate way off the roof.

So take heed cause these friendly words will keep the laughs coming and ensure you keep yourself alive as well. So remember: have fun and always watch your back, and your junk, because nothing is funnier than trauma to the groin.

If you enjoyed this article feel free to buy me a drink.

*this article was featured on August 18. 2007