Other kids though, they are quite different. As a matter of fact we had a child over that was quite found of condiments. Not only that, the boy loved cheese, he wanted it on everything. He asked for cheese for lunch and dinner, but the kicker was when he asked for it on his pancakes. Pancakes!!

I believe his words were “I would really like this with cheese”. I can’t understand if he was serious or just buying time to avoid actually eating his breakfast. Either way it sounded real nasty!

Why are our kids like this? They seem to only be attracted to the worst foods and/or the worst foods for you. I mean, our cheese was good… we don’t fool with that crap yellow cheese, no sir, we like our cheese raw… from raw milk, it’s delicious! So maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I mean, you could do way worse– like hot sauce!

If your kid wants to cheese it, just tell them to chill out. Food is made to be different! And no ketchup either! No matter what, unless it’s with french fries fried in avocado oil. No ketchup on the toothbrush either!

Happy parenting!

For instance, my wife has a slight clumsy gene that comes and goes every now and then. This — among other things, comes out in our kids.

As a matter of fact Elijah, our oldest, had a run-in with a slide the other day. This made him cry and run and hide… which he does when he doesn’t want people to see him cry… which he gets from me. Well, I tried to console him and had him laughing and playing in his hiding spot under the stairs at the playground. That’s when I said, “I am coming in there to get you”. He then got so excited that he turned and ran straight into the staircase. Which, of course, led to another fit of crying and hiding.

The clumsy side I can’t claim, but the run and hide part I have to claim. The sad thing is I don’t know why…

If you want kids, think about the bad stuff about you that they will make worse. Just food for thought when considering procreation.

There was poop all over the place, green goo that can only be described one way, bile from the pit of satan port-o-john! What is worse, the older boy sat there enjoying sponge bob and his square pants, all while his little brother was pooping out of his pants. It looked like an “A” bomb full of pooh went off. Dad did the only honorable thing he could, he left and went to work till he was summoned to scrap pooh from the ceiling. A job he did with honor, and a wash cloth over his nose and mouth.

If you are out there and you hear the distress of a boy calling for his mother because of something his brother did and it involves pooh, run… just run!

I want him to learn lots of instruments, but piano must be first. Why? I am glad you asked…. Because it takes more work. Doubt that? Then, Mr. Smarty pants you try it. Either way, this is the order of play when it comes to instruments in our house.

-Piano
-Drums
-Guitar
-Bass (by this time it will be cake)

When it comes to sports, there is a list that must be followed whether he likes it or not.

-Football
-Baseball
-Hockey
-Rugby
-Polo
-Water polo
-Golf
-Field hockey
-Frisbee golf
-Competitive swimming
…..maybe soccer, but not if I can help it.

There is always a list, even when you think there is no list, there is always a list. If you doubt this, ask your wife or any respectable woman, she will tell you. So fellahs, you learn to play the piano and suddenly the women won’t be so hard to figure out. Just play one note on the piano and suddenly she is fixed!

The most recent, and slightly funnier thing that my kids have been saying is, “really dad”, which is funny, but after they have been sprayed with the hose from the rooftop or given a wet willy, it is even more grand! I implore you to try it, and when your 2 year old says, “weally daad”, you will laugh till you pee a little. It’s so darn cute, and it is way better than calling anyone a bastard. As adults you don’t really realize that you overuse words everyday. Words like:

-Really
-Fail
-Epic Fail
-Inconceivable
-Like
-It’s Kind Of Funny
-Awkward
-That’s Random
-What

That was just to name a few, I mean, come on. Things are only as awkward as you make them, if you don’t get that, then you fail, epic fail. Really? I think it goes without saying, like for real. It’s kind of funny how inconceivable that is, that’s really random.

Check yo self before yo wreck yo self!

But seriously, tonight I actually kicked my kid down the steps. Before you email me and call me all kinds of names, please know that he had it coming. I mean, the little brat just doesn’t know when to stop with the whining, so I thought just one time wouldn’t hurt… at least not hurt me, right? Right!

So I did it. He got lippy and the steps got slippery, down he went till the floor broke his fall. Lesson learned. It was a critical learning time for him, he now knows that he can’t get away with all that back talk. It wasn’t so bad as he was on the 5th from the top step, so it’s not like he went all the way down. It was just 11 steps and then the corner of the door post at the bottom.

No really, it was an accident, I totally would never do that and can’t believe you would think that I was capable of doing this to a defenseless child! I mean, really people? Really? Even I have morals, although loose… morals nonetheless! You people make me sick!

The boy was kicking me and I wasn’t looking and found myself donkey kicking the boy down the stair ever so gently. Somehow he managed to stay on his feet but backwards the entire way down till the last step. Actually, it was quite impressive, and after he cried for a second he realized how cool it was to moonwalk down the stairs. All was well and crisis was averted. Just another day at the Barga house!

Something I never thought of as a kid, is that, maybe I just didn’t like vegetables and was more of a meat eater. Or, maybe I am a carb kid like my oldest son. He takes after his mother with his overwhelming need to have pasta, noodles or toast. As where my youngest loves meat and vegetables, this is how I know he is not mine. But that is another blog on another site somewhere…

I find myself demanding my kids to eat their dinner and stop crying, well, not both kids just the one that doesn’t like vegetables. I know he is like me to some extent, but I sure don’t remember being so crazy about it. Crying while he is eating is not a pretty site, might I add. Just tonight he was nibbling on a piece of broccoli so as to make it look like he was taking a bite, but just then it fell on the ground. This made me really upset, and the dog really happy… I guess that is the one plus-side to the whole thing, my four-legged vacuum cleaner of a dog. He was in and out like lightning, no sooner had the food hit the floor and there is this black blur and then a burp. Just like that, the floor is clean.

I used to play this game with my dog at home, I would sit there till my parents got tired of watching me. They would leave the room, still yelling mind you, but from the living room. I would give bite by bite to my dog so that I could get up and maybe pee before bed. Sitting there for hours was a massive pain! I think I have a new way to deal with it, you see, my parents would put said food back in the fridge and warm it back up for lunch or dinner the next day. What if I just told my kids that if they didn’t eat, then I would put it back in the fridge for them to eat later, then tell them that they weren’t allowed to have anything for a whole day unless it was there dinner?

I think it could work, especially if I have them watch videos of starving kids in Africa at the same time. That is it! No food for 24 hours plus “feed the children” footage. This will make them thankful for their dinner, no?

Well, I remember just last week, when we came home from that very scenario, nestled in the bed with our youngest boy. The feeling of the warm covers, the smell of my pillow after a long week away, the feel of the next day being open to sleep in. Drifting into sleep, I am taken swiftly to a sweet dream filled with white puffy clouds and puppies rolling and playing in the tall meadow grass. Just then, I hear a brook and I wander over to see it and find that the water is warm. I jump into the water, swim over to a little waterfall, and play in the falling water. I notice that the water has a fragrance… it is not a pleasant smell at all. As a matter of fact it is quite horrible, it smells like… like…. VOMIT! All over me!!

My son who, might I add, was sleeping in between my wife and I, coughed so hard and with his head cocked back that he threw up like a fire hydrant. And no, not like a fire hydrant on a hot day in the middle of the summer, but more like a fire hydrant after you just warmed up from a run. The water from said hydrant was hot and smelled of old meat and stagnant dairy.

My kids tend to vomit like a tidal wave on some rocks, wet and pissed off! It is never in a trash can or a toilet and it usually finds its way up the walls, behind car seats, and all over my face!

There are ways to avoid kids and vomit:

-Don’t have kids.
-Don’t take your kids out of your home (this will help them to stay well).
-Don’t let your kids sleep in your bed. No matter how tired and lazy you are.
-Don’t feed your kids things that will knowingly compromise their immune systems and then wonder why they are sick.

I would love to see your suggestions on this subject. Please let us know how you deal with your kids vomit.

I don’t think that I had a problem like this with ketchup when I was a kid, I am pretty sure my thing was milk. I would have milk all the time no matter what. Breakfast- milk, lunch- milk, dinner- milk, vodka- milk you get the picture right? I like milk.

So the ketchup thing does not translate for me. One thing I do find funny is that my wife still likes it on things too, just like the kids. Weird? I know.

The other night I was sitting there eating my dinner which happened to be oven fried chicken and homemade french fries. I looked up and saw not one person eating ketchup on the chicken but 3, every one was but me. I looked at my wife and said, “really?” She said “what?” to which I replied “what!”, but that is a whole other article. I asked her why she had ketchup on her chicken and she said something about really liking it. I think it’s weird and smothers the taste, but my kids think it’s great.

After dinner, that same night, I left the dinning room and was watching Tv and out of the corner of my eye was my oldest son licking the plates of his mom and younger brother. Sure ketchup is good, but good enough to be licked off of a plate? I don’t think so, as a matter of fact I know so…

This problem has an easy answer and that is to secretly place some hot sauce in the ketchup when the family is not looking and they will stop eating it so much. I might laugh so hard that milk comes out of my nose!

The big day came when we were to be at football camp… when something derailed us and we ended up getting there late. This screwed up all my plans, I was going to get him there before practice and let him play on the field… get him suited up and get him really pumped about the pig skin. But no. We were late and all the kids were in the center of the field and we haven’t even had a chance to put on his gear. It wasn’t long before my son started watching all these kids doing push ups and jumping jacks that he started to cry. Did I mention it was a football camp where all the kids from all grades were there warming up? Well it was, and that didn’t help things at all, he was not thrilled to say the least.

When the kids lined up from youngest to oldest the 5 year-olds or the pee-wees were right in front of us as we watched. This didn’t help me because I looked at those scrawny kids and thought my son would kick butt in this league. He was at least 2 inches taller than all of them and they were fully suited. I had a classic case of “my kid is bigger than yours” even though mine could not stop crying.

We left shortly after that because of all the crying and I think I was more disappointed than the boy was and that made me feel bad. I thought he was going to know that I was really disappointed, but I was…. It was one of the worst days of parenthood so far. I guess there is always next year.

What you should do about taking your kid to pee wee football is… don’t take him till he can mow the lawn.