The most recent, and slightly funnier thing that my kids have been saying is, “really dad”, which is funny, but after they have been sprayed with the hose from the rooftop or given a wet willy, it is even more grand! I implore you to try it, and when your 2 year old says, “weally daad”, you will laugh till you pee a little. It’s so darn cute, and it is way better than calling anyone a bastard. As adults you don’t really realize that you overuse words everyday. Words like:

-Really
-Fail
-Epic Fail
-Inconceivable
-Like
-It’s Kind Of Funny
-Awkward
-That’s Random
-What

That was just to name a few, I mean, come on. Things are only as awkward as you make them, if you don’t get that, then you fail, epic fail. Really? I think it goes without saying, like for real. It’s kind of funny how inconceivable that is, that’s really random.

Check yo self before yo wreck yo self!

But seriously, tonight I actually kicked my kid down the steps. Before you email me and call me all kinds of names, please know that he had it coming. I mean, the little brat just doesn’t know when to stop with the whining, so I thought just one time wouldn’t hurt… at least not hurt me, right? Right!

So I did it. He got lippy and the steps got slippery, down he went till the floor broke his fall. Lesson learned. It was a critical learning time for him, he now knows that he can’t get away with all that back talk. It wasn’t so bad as he was on the 5th from the top step, so it’s not like he went all the way down. It was just 11 steps and then the corner of the door post at the bottom.

No really, it was an accident, I totally would never do that and can’t believe you would think that I was capable of doing this to a defenseless child! I mean, really people? Really? Even I have morals, although loose… morals nonetheless! You people make me sick!

The boy was kicking me and I wasn’t looking and found myself donkey kicking the boy down the stair ever so gently. Somehow he managed to stay on his feet but backwards the entire way down till the last step. Actually, it was quite impressive, and after he cried for a second he realized how cool it was to moonwalk down the stairs. All was well and crisis was averted. Just another day at the Barga house!

I have 7 people on speed dial if we need them, but it’s a crap shoot. So, when we get one, we like to make sure we treat them right. You know? Cookies, fruit, and other delicious snacks. All I ask is that you follow some very simples rules, that is, if you plan on getting paid.

1. No boys
2. Do the dishes
3. Keep the lights off unless you are in the room
4. Take the dog out
5. Don’t let the kids jump on the furniture
6. Pick up the toys
7. Make the kids go to bed at 8:30
8. No candy
9. No gold fish
10. No texting
11. Clean the bathroom
12. Change the outside light bulb
13. Sweep the kitchen
14. Teach the dog to sit
15. Pull the oldests tooth
16. Lock the door, but be ready to unlock it as soon as we pull up

Is this too much to ask for? I think it’s reasonable, if you can do these things you stand to make a couple of bucks. Sounds nice doesn’t it?

Slipping hot sauce into my kid’s food is funny, but putting it in the ketchup bottle lid is just priceless. Try it and see if you don’t laugh till you pee a little in your pants. His face fills with joy as he is so excited to destroy some ketchup with a handful of homemade fries. Then, after a hearty dip, his face turns to one of fear. Then, as the food falls out of his mouth, you are at such a high that you laugh uncontrollably when he yells, “I hate you dad!”. After that incident, of course all I have to do now is look at him and he starts crying, then his mother has to tell him that I didn’t do anything because we don’t even have any hot sauce.

Imagine my excitement when I had a client bring me some cinnamon-chile-chocolate from a local chocolatier. This chocolate was spicy and maybe even a little hot, I liked it as did my youngest, but the wife and my oldest actually spit it out. My oldest ran to the water before he spit his out, his reaction was just what I had hoped for. I got the “look” from the wife. This look suggested that I was too mean for my own good, I assured her that it was hereditary. Then I reminded her of the flaming burrito of 95‘.

Give your kids spicy food! It’s a riot and who knows, maybe in the future they will actually thank you for it, it’s not likely, but one can hope, right?

Well, I remember just last week, when we came home from that very scenario, nestled in the bed with our youngest boy. The feeling of the warm covers, the smell of my pillow after a long week away, the feel of the next day being open to sleep in. Drifting into sleep, I am taken swiftly to a sweet dream filled with white puffy clouds and puppies rolling and playing in the tall meadow grass. Just then, I hear a brook and I wander over to see it and find that the water is warm. I jump into the water, swim over to a little waterfall, and play in the falling water. I notice that the water has a fragrance… it is not a pleasant smell at all. As a matter of fact it is quite horrible, it smells like… like…. VOMIT! All over me!!

My son who, might I add, was sleeping in between my wife and I, coughed so hard and with his head cocked back that he threw up like a fire hydrant. And no, not like a fire hydrant on a hot day in the middle of the summer, but more like a fire hydrant after you just warmed up from a run. The water from said hydrant was hot and smelled of old meat and stagnant dairy.

My kids tend to vomit like a tidal wave on some rocks, wet and pissed off! It is never in a trash can or a toilet and it usually finds its way up the walls, behind car seats, and all over my face!

There are ways to avoid kids and vomit:

-Don’t have kids.
-Don’t take your kids out of your home (this will help them to stay well).
-Don’t let your kids sleep in your bed. No matter how tired and lazy you are.
-Don’t feed your kids things that will knowingly compromise their immune systems and then wonder why they are sick.

I would love to see your suggestions on this subject. Please let us know how you deal with your kids vomit.

What kind of rake does a former landscape pro use? A metal one that has long tines and firm handle (thats what she said). I can throw leaves with a good metal leaf rake, not a plastic one. It is like comparing a push mower to a weed eater. The plastic ones will always come loose at the handle and break but a good metal one will take you three or four seasons.

What will take you 5-10 seasons is what I like to call the fruit of my loins or… my son. He has finally come of age. What age? The age of asking for money! So he has come of the age of working with his hands till they bleed, i.e. raking my leaves!

I have to tell you the first time I let him help with cutting the grass I realized how good I had it. Now… now I am in awe of the possibilities! I mean, had someone told me that fatherhood would be this great,¬† I would have done it sooner! I mean it is quite a feeling to see your boy doing some of your chores. I dream of the day when he can do them all, with the exception of touching my car. This will take a little more time, as he doesn’t see the value in something he can’t drive.

I will show my boy the best and fastest way to rake the leaves and pay him minimally. It’s how you work your way up the manchain, it’s like the food chain but it works more intricately. Given the nature of the male anatomy it can be quite hard to explain, so I won’t.

Make your kids rake the leaves, then burn the leaves while enjoying some high quality brew. Good times man, good times! It was worth the $5 I paid the boy to rake the 1.5 acres.

I don’t think that I had a problem like this with ketchup when I was a kid, I am pretty sure my thing was milk. I would have milk all the time no matter what. Breakfast- milk, lunch- milk, dinner- milk, vodka- milk you get the picture right? I like milk.

So the ketchup thing does not translate for me. One thing I do find funny is that my wife still likes it on things too, just like the kids. Weird? I know.

The other night I was sitting there eating my dinner which happened to be oven fried chicken and homemade french fries. I looked up and saw not one person eating ketchup on the chicken but 3, every one was but me. I looked at my wife and said, “really?” She said “what?” to which I replied “what!”, but that is a whole other article. I asked her why she had ketchup on her chicken and she said something about really liking it. I think it’s weird and smothers the taste, but my kids think it’s great.

After dinner, that same night, I left the dinning room and was watching Tv and out of the corner of my eye was my oldest son licking the plates of his mom and younger brother. Sure ketchup is good, but good enough to be licked off of a plate? I don’t think so, as a matter of fact I know so…

This problem has an easy answer and that is to secretly place some hot sauce in the ketchup when the family is not looking and they will stop eating it so much. I might laugh so hard that milk comes out of my nose!

There is one thing you need to be prepared for once you have twins: everybody and their mother will smile at you and say “Boy, you have your hands full.” A nice observation and one that might win in the world’s biggest understatement contest. You see, once you have twins you’ll quickly discover that it is not twice the work, but three times the work. This is because with one kid you can always hand the bundle of joy over to your spouse to take a break, but with twins, you’ve each got a kid to deal with ALL THE TIME.

When my wife and I learned that we had twins, we were shell shocked. We didn’t really have a clue what we were going to be getting into. Oh no. It doesn’t help that our twins are… shall we say… high maintenance. So much so, that when my wife and I watch those shows on the telly with sextuplets or what not we literally cry. I kid you not, we flipping cry. Oh yea, if you’re having twins… buy some Kleenex. And beer.

On the other hand, taking into account the counseling and the hair wringing, when one has twins there is always the knowledge that the pair will always have a friend to play with. They’re always going to have someone to confide in. It helps in our case that there is an older sibling that is only two years older. You can see that the three boys are going to be fast friends.

As for you and your wife, if you’re lucky to survive their ascent into adulthood… well, I guess I can’t speak to that. Perhaps I’ll be too worn out. They’ll all leave the house but I’ll be as lifeless as a piece of paper. That’s how I feel right now, typing out this essay.

On one point I think I will stand firm, though. Women seem to think that just because you’ve got twins, everything has to match. I think that this really has the potential to torpedo their own uniqueness. Plus, it’s plain silly some times. They don’t even like the same things some times. So, let me strongly suggest to you men out there that you man up, and when your wife wants to get all sentimental and wants to mirror the children off of each other, you bow to her demands immediately. Trust me. Your free time as a married couple will be limited as it is, if you get my meaning, and you want to choose your battles carefully. Who cares about their little egos! What are you thinking, dude?

So, you may as well get used to the fact that you’re about to have two of everything and you’re going to be tired out of your mind. You may wish to consider an “Everybody Loves Raymond” scenario. It saved my sanity.

*this article was featured on September 12, 2007