If you are a pal, you know how to say these things to your pal, because you realize that you yourself, at times, lack imagination and optimism, make grammatical errors over and over, and have boogers hanging from your nose. If perchance you have none of those things, then you are an A-class weeny and thus you are already sufficiently humbled from your own weenyness.

As I already mentioned, being a pal can be hard work. For this very reason, many people quit being pals. They shy away from the hard work it takes to be a pal. They wither like a violet in the sahara desert.

Interestingly enough, it is easier to put in the hard work of being a pal with different types of people. You see, some people make the hard work of being a pal easier, just by the type of person they are, while other people make the hard work of being a pal even more difficult.

So, you can see, the first step in being a pal, is carefully and wisely picking the people that you will be a pal to. Now, of course, in one sense, you will be a pal to everyone and anyone, but in this instance we are referring to “pal” as those you see on a regular and recurring basis. Are your pals patient with you? Or are they just pretending and pretentious? Does your pal(s) make you feel more alive? Do they give you life or suck the life right out of you so that you feel as dry as a spring in the sahara desert?

Good answer, good answer. In order to be a good pal, you must have strong moral conviction,s or else you will end up not being a pal, because being a pal is looking out for the good of your pal and if you do not have convictions against things that are bad for your pal, then how can you look out for the good of your pal?

Well, I, for one, have good pals. A good pal tells you the truth even if it is hard to hear, or hard to say, I should say. Ok! So, for example, if your pal kills someone, I recommend turning them in. Be a pal!

I know, I know, all this coming from the guy with 27 moving violations, 3 non- moving violations and 2 crosswalk violations. I guess the difference is that while I flirt with danger, my sister straight up kisses it on the mouth! We both were bred for danger, we drive like everything is a race and everyone is a viable competitor, even the 78 year old in the cadillac. You all are going down!

I don’t know that I am a better driver, but I must say that I only drive crazy in spurts when I get in one of my moods. My sister seems to be in one of those moods all the time, and I don’t think she knows it. It’s like taking a squirrel, putting eyeliner on it, spinning it around in circles, then feeding it speed laced brownies, slapping it in the face, giving it a Chrysler 300 and hoping for the best! The squirrel would still drive better. Good God, woman, keep it between the lines!

I am not normally scared in the passenger seat, as a matter of fact I sometimes enjoy it, so long as I am not riding shotgun with Carrie (likes to use the brakes on the highway) or Andrew (he really likes to tell people how they are driving). One of my favorite friends to ride shotgun with is Tim. Tim has read enough Car and Driver/Motor Trend magazines that he pisses defensive driving. My sister, on the other hand, makes me feel like I have been recently rescued from a terrorist right before he started torturing me ( still tied up)… speeding down the highway as the terrorist is shooting at us, she ducks and dives into the right lane. Passing and weaving like she is an over zealous hair dresser and the lanes of the highway are a head of flowing locks that she wants braid… very badly!

You are wondering what to do about this? Well, I will tell you! I got out my phone and called her. She answered. I then told her I was telling mother. She laughed hard (inside joke) and we made it to the coffee shop alive. Just imagine how she drives after a cup of joe.

It is important to monitor the kitchen towel, especially if you have unobservant roommates or family members, as they may have inadvertently wiped up chicken blood, or, perhaps, maybe coffee was spilled on the counter and the towel was set in it and then placed right back on the handle without anyone noticing.

Some people like to have two towels in the kitchen, one towel to use for hand drying, and one towel to use for drying dishes. I think the two towel method is useful for maintaining a cleaner towel for longer periods, although, while you may be able to stretch the usefulness of the clean towels, you now have the extra work of watching, swtiching out, and washing two towels as opposed to one. I like having two towels in the kitchen just so I can use one to snap people in the bum, but that’s just me. Towel snap!

So, as you should have been able to glean, the most important thing for excellent use of the kitchen towel is keeping it clean. The second most important thing is to allow it to dry properly in between uses. Sure, sure you will have times when you need a towel to clean up a dirty mess, but then that towel will go straight to the wash and will not be a regular customer of your hands or dishes for the next week.

If you fail to clean your towel or allow it to dry properly, it will develop a a terrible smell that will haunt you in your dreams. The smell will overtake your every thought and permanently bind you to its will. You will never again escape its clutches. It will be the farthest thing from the most interesting smell in the world, and yet, everyday you will think you smell the smell, even when you do not.

*****

Tim: Mmm, this is better than I remember it. [eating ice cream]

Terry: That’s what she said.

*****

[thinking up ideas for wtdaNate (me) to write about.]

Terry: What To Do About THE WORLD CUP.

Terry: Who watches soccor??

Terry: Any help at all?

Nate: [shakes head]

Terry: He’s writing about crocheting.

Terry: You don’t know me at all Terry [high pitched voice...talking about himself].

*****

[lame music playing in the background]

Me: How’s that ice cream guys

Steve: Super good

Tim: delectable

Tim: I am very well convinced that most Americans do not eat enough saturated fats.

*****

Steve: I don’t have a whole lot of taste for art, I just think artists should be underpaid. [there just happens to be lots of bad art pieces hanging on the walls around us]

Steve: I think I should try and be an artist.

Tim: Maybe we should all try together.

Tim: Maybe we can make a masterpiece and sell it in a coffee shop for $400.

Tim: Drinks on me!

*****

[back to ice cream]

Terry: It’s not about the sweetness or how delectable it is, it’s about how I can’t stand to have something that’s not finished [talking about his pint of ice cream]

Tim: Scrape the top layer of freezer burn off and it’s fine.

Tim: I’m going to have about 250% of my daily recommended saturated fat intake.

Tim: What about you Steve.

Steve: I just had 120%

Steve: Now why would you use fair trade sugar AND regular sugar.

Tim: We want to help the fair trade people.

Steve: But not too much.

Tim: I really feel like I could make good ice cream. Like this quality but better ingredients. I really feel like I have it in me.

Steve: You wanna go global with this?

Tim: We are starting a raw milk ice cream business in California. Instead of Ben & Jerrys it’s going to be called Tim & Terrys.

Terry: I just don’t wanna be the one with the beard.

*****

That’s all I got kids. At least until the next time I act like I’m doing something but really writing down the conversation of my friends.

The most recent, and slightly funnier thing that my kids have been saying is, “really dad”, which is funny, but after they have been sprayed with the hose from the rooftop or given a wet willy, it is even more grand! I implore you to try it, and when your 2 year old says, “weally daad”, you will laugh till you pee a little. It’s so darn cute, and it is way better than calling anyone a bastard. As adults you don’t really realize that you overuse words everyday. Words like:

-Really
-Fail
-Epic Fail
-Inconceivable
-Like
-It’s Kind Of Funny
-Awkward
-That’s Random
-What

That was just to name a few, I mean, come on. Things are only as awkward as you make them, if you don’t get that, then you fail, epic fail. Really? I think it goes without saying, like for real. It’s kind of funny how inconceivable that is, that’s really random.

Check yo self before yo wreck yo self!

Clingy people are usually emotionally unstable, but not as a whole, just in one or two areas. It’s either because of rejection, poor parenting, substance abuse or they pour crazy for breakfast every morning, who really knows? All I can tell you is how to survive them, it’s not hard, it will just take some duct tape, needle nose pliers and a little bit of know-how!

How to tell if your friend has C.F.S Clingy Friend Syndrome:

1. They get pissed off when they are not invited to things that you are invited to
2. These friends are the coolest people on the planet one minute and quite crazy the next
3. These friends mean well, but don’t really know what well means
4. They always want to know what you are doing and are never calling to invite you to something
5. These friends will take anyones advice that seems a little more stable then they
6. C.F.S’s will always be a true friend to you, so long as you are already emotionally committed to another individual

I know, I know, now your feelings are hurt, I can’t say that I am surprised, but remember that I am the married guy! The one that has one emotional attachment to another individual, so it’s safe to assume that you will not get hurt. So you can be truthful with me and yourself, and step up to the plate of personal responsibility and tell yourself that you are the cause of your problems. Why? Because this is what a therapist would do (not “the rapist” either) no really… Saw it on TV. I know it’s true because it has helped me in my job with my clients, as soon as they realize that they have a weight problem and it wasn’t caused by anyone else but themselves. This, this I tell you, is where we make progress!!

So stop surrounding yourself with yes friends and start making some changes to your life that will help you to not be so clingy. If you have a friend with C.F.S then just remember that this friend or friends don’t see this as a flaw, and they will probably blame you for their shortcomings. It’s no big deal, at least they will always come right back when they realize that no one else will talk to their craziness.

I love my C.F.S friends, they are loyal and they love me, but if I have to give the same advice twice I might have to haul off and hit their mothers. I mean, come on, really? Pick yourself off the floor and take a look in the mirror. Once you fix you, the rest will just happen, people will start liking you or even loving you, you may have a sustainable relationship that is with someone other than a family member or someone that is already committed to someone else emotionally and you could even cure your foot odor, who knows it could help… I think!

Fourth, really? I mean, really? You are going to get upset about not getting invited? It is no big deal about going to something and not going to something. I go and not go to things all the time. It’s like my pops used to say “there’s always another sale”.

BUT DAD, WE ARE NOT GOING TO EVER SEE THE ITEM AT THIS PRICE AGAIN. There’s always another sale. So, what to do about not getting invited? Get busy. You know, get busy! Not like, get busy get busy… but like get busy. AND, wait for the next sale.

I don’t know if you are thinking what I am thinking or if what I am thinking is what I think I am thinking. Do you think he is using the same wind as us?

Your drink gets shaken by the unstable table and dumps all over you or your friends. It enough to make you wanna haul off and slap your mother!! There is always a wobbly table no matter how nice the place is.

Can you just have stable tables? I went to a great place the other day with my homies. It was real nice… nice tvs, nice chairs… an all around great place. But alas, the tables were still rocky, much to my surprise mind you, not as rocky as most, but still rocky. I look down and find 5 drink coasters under one leg. That’s when my buddy says “that’s how you fix it”. Coasters?!

Well, I guess it works and that’s all that matters. If you are wondering what to do about wobbly tables, bring your coasters and a towel just in case.

Some fresh air is nice too… and not the fresh that comes from Glade either, I am talking about the fresh that comes from pine trees and lake air. It will give a man a boost in all the right ways… including that one!

You will need a tent for starters, and if you are venturing out to an island in the middle of a lake like you know we did, then you will need a canoe. But alas, this canoe doesn’t need two paddles
one will do, but only if you are a man’s man. A sod shovel will do for the other oar, it works quite well as long as your not heading into a head wind. I am pretty sure that we only spun around 3 times.

Once you get to the island make sure there are no bears by taking a quick scan for bear tracks and dung. Then set your sites on the best flat area that is not too rocky and get your tent set up. Next it’s time for a fire. Yes, this is most of the reason we go camping. To sit by a fire and tell stories, cook meat, and drink beer. Into the woods we go hunting dry tinder and kindling for a nice fire. You may have to settle for big pieces of wood and frequent “that’s what she said” jokes. You may need help with that log. Is that big enough. Hey slide that log over here. We are going to need more wood. Etc…

Once there is a fire you will need some seating, we made a bench with our bare hands and some pine. Ok, we found a bench out there but it was heavy and that had to count for something. Now it’s time to sit back and make fun of each other, spill beer on your pants, cut your finger on broken glass you melted in the fire and light your cigar with a piece of cedar from the fire…. good times.

Camping is a way to get to know some dude and their loud snoring (sorry guys), as well as recharge the batteries for the next work week. Either way you look at it, it’s a great time had by all in attendance. Don’t forget your matches, knife (for killing), knife (for eating) and your oars!

For those who do not know, Dr. Mario is an old school Nintendo game. It is a game in which you have a certain amount of viruses in a bottle that you have to destroy with pills that Dr. Mario throws into the bottle. In order to get rid of the viruses with the pills you must match the color of the pills with the color of the viruses and align them so that there are 4 in a row. Once you get 4 in a row of the same color the virus disappears.

I have always told myself that I really like a game when I enjoy playing it even when I lose over and over. Such is the case with Dr. Mario and thus I know it’s love. And ping-pong… I can play ping-pong against my brother and lose 10 games straight and still enjoy playing. I guess it could be hope and joy that drives me on though… the hope that one game I will win and feel a sense of accomplishment. I think I like the competition too, cause I know that I like playing someone who can challenge me in the game. It’s no fun to blow someone out of the water every time. You know?

It’s a different skill set than that of Tetris. I am not very good at Tetris but I can hold my own at Dr. Mario. It has more to do with seeing possible alignments of 4 than building and packing. I am bad at Tetris and thus it seems I am a bad mover. I am good at Dr. Mario and thus it seems I can tell you what your options for moving are. It seems we all have a lot to learn from each other. So it seems.

Yessssssss. All viruses have been defeated! Now, don’t you feel good about yourself?