Tag Archives: Friends

What To Do About BEING A PAL

Sometimes being a pal is hard work. You may have to give your friend a ride when their car breaks down or tell them that they have a booger hanging from their nose. Sometimes you may have to tell them that they keep making the same grammatical errors over and over. Other times, you have to tell them that they lack imagination and optimism.

If you are a pal, you know how to say these things to your pal, because you realize that you yourself, at times, lack imagination and optimism, make grammatical errors over and over, and have boogers hanging from your nose. If perchance you have none of those things, then you are an A-class weeny and thus you are already sufficiently humbled from your own weenyness.

As I already mentioned, being a pal can be hard work. For this very reason, many people quit being pals. They shy away from the hard work it takes to be a pal. They wither like a violet in the sahara desert.

Interestingly enough, it is easier to put in the hard work of being a pal with different types of people. You see, some people make the hard work of being a pal easier, just by the type of person they are, while other people make the hard work of being a pal even more difficult.

So, you can see, the first step in being a pal, is carefully and wisely picking the people that you will be a pal to. Now, of course, in one sense, you will be a pal to everyone and anyone, but in this instance we are referring to “pal” as those you see on a regular and recurring basis. Are your pals patient with you? Or are they just pretending and pretentious? Does your pal(s) make you feel more alive? Do they give you life or suck the life right out of you so that you feel as dry as a spring in the sahara desert?

Good answer, good answer. In order to be a good pal, you must have strong moral conviction,s or else you will end up not being a pal, because being a pal is looking out for the good of your pal and if you do not have convictions against things that are bad for your pal, then how can you look out for the good of your pal?

Well, I, for one, have good pals. A good pal tells you the truth even if it is hard to hear, or hard to say, I should say. Ok! So, for example, if your pal kills someone, I recommend turning them in. Be a pal!

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Ever had one of those moments when you thought, just for a second, that you were going to die? Did this thought come to you while you were driving? No? Well, mine came while I was in the passenger seat of my sisters car. She was driving with her knee while she was looking in the mirror playing with her hair. This was going on while we were bolting down the highway at 80 MPH. Yeah, all while she was talking to her husband on her cell phone!!!

I know, I know, all this coming from the guy with 27 moving violations, 3 non- moving violations and 2 crosswalk violations. I guess the difference is that while I flirt with danger, my sister straight up kisses it on the mouth! We both were bred for danger, we drive like everything is a race and everyone is a viable competitor, even the 78 year old in the cadillac. You all are going down!

I don’t know that I am a better driver, but I must say that I only drive crazy in spurts when I get in one of my moods. My sister seems to be in one of those moods all the time, and I don’t think she knows it. It’s like taking a squirrel, putting eyeliner on it, spinning it around in circles, then feeding it speed laced brownies, slapping it in the face, giving it a Chrysler 300 and hoping for the best! The squirrel would still drive better. Good God, woman, keep it between the lines!

I am not normally scared in the passenger seat, as a matter of fact I sometimes enjoy it, so long as I am not riding shotgun with Carrie (likes to use the brakes on the highway) or Andrew (he really likes to tell people how they are driving). One of my favorite friends to ride shotgun with is Tim. Tim has read enough Car and Driver/Motor Trend magazines that he pisses defensive driving. My sister, on the other hand, makes me feel like I have been recently rescued from a terrorist right before he started torturing me ( still tied up)… speeding down the highway as the terrorist is shooting at us, she ducks and dives into the right lane. Passing and weaving like she is an over zealous hair dresser and the lanes of the highway are a head of flowing locks that she wants braid… very badly!

You are wondering what to do about this? Well, I will tell you! I got out my phone and called her. She answered. I then told her I was telling mother. She laughed hard (inside joke) and we made it to the coffee shop alive. Just imagine how she drives after a cup of joe.

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There are several issues to consider when using the kitchen towel. One of the problems that most people have, is that they continually use a dirty towel. I have never completely understood why people continually use a dirty kitchen towel, or why it is even dirty in the first place (besides maybe accidently wiping up food or dirt with it). If your hands are clean and your dishes are clean, then the towel should remain clean after drying your hands or your dishes. If the towel is left to dry properly, after doing its job of drying other things, then it should not grow mold or mildew. After a little while, it will need to be changed out as it will gradually collect oils from your hands and pans and stuff from the kitchen, despite your best efforts to let everything that touches it be clean.

It is important to monitor the kitchen towel, especially if you have unobservant roommates or family members, as they may have inadvertently wiped up chicken blood, or, perhaps, maybe coffee was spilled on the counter and the towel was set in it and then placed right back on the handle without anyone noticing.

Some people like to have two towels in the kitchen, one towel to use for hand drying, and one towel to use for drying dishes. I think the two towel method is useful for maintaining a cleaner towel for longer periods, although, while you may be able to stretch the usefulness of the clean towels, you now have the extra work of watching, swtiching out, and washing two towels as opposed to one. I like having two towels in the kitchen just so I can use one to snap people in the bum, but that’s just me. Towel snap!

So, as you should have been able to glean, the most important thing for excellent use of the kitchen towel is keeping it clean. The second most important thing is to allow it to dry properly in between uses. Sure, sure you will have times when you need a towel to clean up a dirty mess, but then that towel will go straight to the wash and will not be a regular customer of your hands or dishes for the next week.

If you fail to clean your towel or allow it to dry properly, it will develop a a terrible smell that will haunt you in your dreams. The smell will overtake your every thought and permanently bind you to its will. You will never again escape its clutches. It will be the farthest thing from the most interesting smell in the world, and yet, everyday you will think you smell the smell, even when you do not.

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So earlier this week I was sitting in a local Nashville cafe/market with wtdaTerry, wtdaTim, and our pal Steve from Ohio. I decided to act like I was focused and working intently on my computer as they carried on with boyish banter. I’ll now let the world in on my secret, I was not working intently on anything at all…except entertaining myself (and now you) by listening to and typing the dialogue of my friends. I’ve copied the best of the best below!


Tim: Mmm, this is better than I remember it. [eating ice cream]

Terry: That’s what she said.


[thinking up ideas for wtdaNate (me) to write about.]

Terry: What To Do About THE WORLD CUP.

Terry: Who watches soccor??

Terry: Any help at all?

Nate: [shakes head]

Terry: He’s writing about crocheting.

Terry: You don’t know me at all Terry [high pitched voice…talking about himself].


[lame music playing in the background]

Me: How’s that ice cream guys

Steve: Super good

Tim: delectable

Tim: I am very well convinced that most Americans do not eat enough saturated fats.


Steve: I don’t have a whole lot of taste for art, I just think artists should be underpaid. [there just happens to be lots of bad art pieces hanging on the walls around us]

Steve: I think I should try and be an artist.

Tim: Maybe we should all try together.

Tim: Maybe we can make a masterpiece and sell it in a coffee shop for $400.

Tim: Drinks on me!


[back to ice cream]

Terry: It’s not about the sweetness or how delectable it is, it’s about how I can’t stand to have something that’s not finished [talking about his pint of ice cream]

Tim: Scrape the top layer of freezer burn off and it’s fine.

Tim: I’m going to have about 250% of my daily recommended saturated fat intake.

Tim: What about you Steve.

Steve: I just had 120%

Steve: Now why would you use fair trade sugar AND regular sugar.

Tim: We want to help the fair trade people.

Steve: But not too much.

Tim: I really feel like I could make good ice cream. Like this quality but better ingredients. I really feel like I have it in me.

Steve: You wanna go global with this?

Tim: We are starting a raw milk ice cream business in California. Instead of Ben & Jerrys it’s going to be called Tim & Terrys.

Terry: I just don’t wanna be the one with the beard.


That’s all I got kids. At least until the next time I act like I’m doing something but really writing down the conversation of my friends.

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You learn quick what you can say and not say when you have a 6 and 2 year old running around your house. I learned early on that you can’t call your friend a bastard too many times before the 2 year old picks it up and calls your mother-in-law a bastard. I told my mother-in-law that this problem was because Steve had taught him how to say it. I was surprised when she believed it, and still chuckle when she says that Steve shouldn’t be allowed to hang around. Not because she is telling me who to be friends with, but because she still thinks he said it. Good times!

The most recent, and slightly funnier thing that my kids have been saying is, “really dad”, which is funny, but after they have been sprayed with the hose from the rooftop or given a wet willy, it is even more grand! I implore you to try it, and when your 2 year old says, “weally daad”, you will laugh till you pee a little. It’s so darn cute, and it is way better than calling anyone a bastard. As adults you don’t really realize that you overuse words everyday. Words like:

-Epic Fail
-It’s Kind Of Funny
-That’s Random

That was just to name a few, I mean, come on. Things are only as awkward as you make them, if you don’t get that, then you fail, epic fail. Really? I think it goes without saying, like for real. It’s kind of funny how inconceivable that is, that’s really random.

Check yo self before yo wreck yo self!

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