I have always said if you think my job is easy you should do it for a day, see how you like swearing, reschedules, no-shows, excuses and useless complaining. I am in charge, so that’s a plus, right? Well kind of… you see, when you are in charge of complainers you get to hear everyones complaints all the time. Besides that, you have to be twice as committed as the person(s) you are working with. Some for you, but lots for them. You got to bring the energy like it hasn’t been brought.

I love it though, after about 3 years of doing the instructing you get real used to the types of people you see come in the door. For instance I can spot these:

- I’m here because it’s cheap
This is just fine with me. Fitness should be accessible, but don’t complain when the class gets cut because of your lack of commitment (attendance) to said cheap class. Hence the reason for raising prices.

- Looks the part boot camper
The person(s) that come in wearing matching clothes with a gatorade bottle and a towel with their initials on it. Cool, but this isn’t a fashion show. Wearing that is just going to get you made fun of. Unless you are actually going to workout — then maybe not. (Strong maybe)

- Gum chewer
Ha! I love this boot camper as this is always a chance for me to establish two things 1) my authority which I don’t need to do with gum but do it anyways. 2) nutritional minute with Terry. This starts with: spit out that gum and then tell me what’s in it. Yes, I do make them spit it into my hand!

Now now, I have had some clients that are incredibly committed and always make me smile. These clients have been great – so great we all came up with these pseudo rules for first timers:

1 ) No gum in boot camp. Ever.
It isn’t real. It didn’t come from a “gum” tree.
2 ) There is no music in boot camp.
Because, there is no music in boot camp.
3 ) There is no asking about music in boot camp.
This rule makes everyone roll their eyes as I say “there is no music in boot camp”.
4 ) No dancing in boot camp.
Unless it’s me doing the dancing, don’t worry it’s free. Call it a bonus.
5 ) No un-sanctioned water breaks.
You’re butt is mine till say it’s not or till the top of the hour. You can drink water at every 1/3
6 ) No sitting
You can rest when you’re dead.
7 ) No talking in boot camp.
This isn’t curves, and I don’t need to know about your great aunts gout.
8 ) No quitting
Nobody likes a quitter. Not even you’re mother.
9 ) If you complain I complain
When I complain it will be about you and your lack of form, determination, proper hydration, loud feet, you’re lateness, you’re matching clothes, gum and why are you stopping!
10 ) Never talk about donuts, diet coke, or your late night indulgences of any kind.
This will actually make me mad, which doesn’t happen to me very often. You are killing the vibe and encouraging the others to make compromises away from my specific instructions.
11 ) You’re welcome.
For the soreness, throwing up, for the sweat, the weight loss, motivation, for taking you’re gum, for making my class affordable and for yelling at you when you’re late.

Besides these you should know the un-spoken rules of working with a trainer. Don’t ever say “I’m actually not sore” or “I wish we could do something for my butt” Oh we will, how about 100 lunges! “I’m actually really good at (enter any workout you would like your instructor to torture yourself and everyone else with)” Then there’s the little known rule, don’t ever say, “I come in a little late to skip jumping jacks” Haha, you just made the whole class mad at you, we WILL do 5 minutes of jumping jacks for no good reason.

Happy resolution season to all and we will see you in the new year if you are lucky!

I run regularly and bike on occasion, but as already mentioned in my article about competitive swimming, I need much swim practice. Aside from the fact that I have never combined all 3 sports before, I guess I should start now!

Right away I went for it, swam, biked, and ran all in one day. It was tough, but we over trained. Even though Jennifer, my teammate almost passed out, I felt really good about things, till, that is, I swam with Kyla again… this means I went right back to drinking more pool water.

A little stressful? Uh, yeah!

After doing some time trials and a few short runs, I was convinced that I was going to suck at triathlons. The Friday before the tri, I ran twice, once with my workout buddy and the other was with my boot campers. Afterward, I felt heavy and slow. I hadn’t even swam that day. Not cool!! Now I am feeling slow on two of the three sports. This is bound to suck.

Either way, it was time to buy spandex! Kyla, my wife and I all went spandex shopping. After making our initial stop, we found that all they had was xtra large tri suits. I will not wear a onesy! Not now. Not ever! So, it was off to another store. Across the street.

Here we found one whole rack devoted to tri apparel, and it was on sale. After being spotted by the sales person, she must had seen the scared looks on our faces when we saw how short and tight their spandex was, she came over to make the sale She did a great job selling us the right spandex. And we did a great job trying them out. Running in circles and doing lunges, we felt comfortable. We will take them!!

It must have been the way the spandex held things together. Because everyone thought I was an intermediate athlete. Which is funny because I hardly consider myself a competitor, much less an athlete. Well, whatever. I went with it and was feeling good… till I jumped into the water to do a warm up lap. I drank some Cumberland river water… through my nose! It’s hard to keep your game face on when you are coughing like a first time smoker in the water.

Race time! Everyone in the water. Off I go, over the river and through the woods. After suffering through the swimming, I managed to complete it in 15 minutes. This is a far cry from the first time I swam with Kyla. See article. I jumped on my bike and away I went. This is my sport and I dominated it. Flying up hills and passing everything in sight. I could have went 12 more miles! But alas, I have to run… Which is like fast walking through calf deep snow. I finished it and that’s all that matters! I didn’t stop, not even to pee. It was great.

Next time, I’ll give my body at least 3.5 weeks to prepare. That should do it, I mean I don’t ¬†want to be consumed by the sport. Right?

Let me do a little more setup to this Kyla person you are being introduced to today. I met her a little over a year ago when she came to a free boot camp I was having, with a friend. After not seeing her for 2 weeks she came back, but without the friend, I saw that she had some experience in boot camping. She could punch with the best of them and that meant she could box, which means she could probably take me. So I knew she was tough, but would find out later how tough she was. She soon joined a class we like to call “kill you with weights” and in this class I do what I do best. I find your weakness and dance on them (cause there are always more than one) while slapping your face. It will make you stronger, and a better person… or something like that.

Kyla came and was tough like I thought, keeping up with the fellah’s and beating a few of them as well. She kind of got on my nerves because I couldn’t break her… especially those abs of hers, until one day we decided to do the pushup/situp challenge. This was really tough, 300 a day all the way up to 1000 a day by the end of the month. She stuck in there right with me, which was unexpected. Why? Because I didn’t challenge her to this, she heard that I was doing it and jumped right in. I know crazy tough right?! But I got those abs (evil laugh).

I tell you this to tell you that she was a little to excited to throw me into the water. I have heard her when she instructs my boot campers for me, you wouldn’t be able to tell that she eats sit-ups for breakfast. So sweet. Till she has me in the water! I drank more pool water that day than I have in my whole life. She knows how competitive I am and she screws with my head. After the first lesson she told me “sure, we can swim a half mile in the lake without rest” knowing that I would be crazy enough to do it. I did, it was hard.

In summary, I will tell you that I haven’t learned how to swim competitively, but I will not quit, I can’t… I will not stop till I figure this out. I can’t let her win at my challenge to quit at hers. Breathe, blow bubbles, then repeat, and even though I think that the bubbles are silly, I will listen when she yells at me.

Why am I so competitive?

1) They are inexpensive. You can buy a bunch for a few dollars at most, often times for less than $1 depending on where you do your shopping. Organic bananas will obviously cost a little bit more than conventional.

2) Bananas are excellent sources of Vitamin B6, Vitamin C, and Potassium. Now that’s something my body needs anyways, I like that! Why wouldn’t you eat as many bananas as possible!?!?

3) Bananas are also easy to eat. You just peel back the bright yellow skin (if you like them just ripe that is) and enjoy! There is usually no mess or sticky fingers as the result of eating a banana. I mean how annoying is it when you eat fruits like watermelon, peaches, plums, or even an apple and the juice runs all over your hands and drips on your clothes. Eating a banana is just easier and saves time.

And finally…

4) Bananas look sweet! I think fruit that is bright and yellow looks the coolest. I mean look at a lemon for goodness sakes, the bright yellow skin and cool shape make them the perfect table decoration in the right fruit bowl. Bananas look neat as well just sitting on the countertop. Do yourself and your family a favor and brighten up the room by setting a bunch of bright yellow bananas on the table. They won’t last long!

So there you have it folks, everyone should start going bananas, I know I am!

First thing is to make sure you dress properly… like wearing light breathable clothing. If you are over 200 lbs. then no spandex. Well let’s just be safe and say no spandex for anybody. It’s a dangerous material and if in the wrong hands can cause injury and it may be fatal.

You will want to stretch out, and for most of us, that means lots of acting because we are not that flexible. Not because we haven’t tried but, yeah, it’s because we haven’t tried. So now we will try and we will try with vigor and determination.

Ok. Now that you’re properly stretched you can start your workout. Now you will want to warm up the rest of your body by doing some jumping jacks or taking a five minute run or walk… whatever causes less embarrassment for you.

Now we are really ready to embark on a physical fitness adventure. You can do anything you want here it only depends on your goals. Do you want to lose weight or get huge? So feel free to do whatever fits your goals but remember to keep proper form. Form in working out is everything… next to breathing of course which as you should know is very important. So, no butt in the air with your pushups, no cheesy ab rollers from infomercials, just balls to the walls workout with utter disregard for fat and pain.

Get angry and destroy your muscle, make them beg you for mercy, then say to them “no, give me ten more”. Let them know that they make you sick and that if it weren’t for you they would have fallen clean off your body years ago. Do it!

Last thing, don’t let anyone tell that you need to workout; this will give the feeling of guilt that you don’t need. You must make a decision for yourself, because it is the only way you will have long lasting success.

So that’s it. That is all the inspiration I have for you, so get out there and make your muscles pay for all those years of crappy food and sedentary life! Oh yeah, you really need to workout.

Do it… do it… do it!

You see I think jumping jacks are way underrated. Think of how great jumping jacks are. Your whole body goes up into the air fighting the gravitational force upon all of your cells and thereby strengthening them. Your arms and hands swing from your sides clapping together above your head, your legs move apart and back together, sending blood to those cold extremities.

So let me tell you what to do. About a quarter of the way through your day, get up and do some jumping jacks. No matter what anyone or everyone around you is doing, just do it. Do about 10. Then, about three quarters through your day, do 30 or so. Laugh while you do them… well… smile while you do them… it would be weird if you were laughing.

I am not going to go into correct form or anything like that… I will leave that to you and the friends that are making fun of you. Actually this is a great group activity. Gather your friends or co-workers together in a circle and do jumping jacks together and you will be amazed at the tension it releases.  Absolutely incredible. Wow. I feel so much better… I just did 5 jumping jacks. Ok. I lied. I am sitting in the car typing this right now. BUT, I am serious. I think.