Some fresh air is nice too… and not the fresh that comes from Glade either, I am talking about the fresh that comes from pine trees and lake air. It will give a man a boost in all the right ways… including that one!

You will need a tent for starters, and if you are venturing out to an island in the middle of a lake like you know we did, then you will need a canoe. But alas, this canoe doesn’t need two paddles
one will do, but only if you are a man’s man. A sod shovel will do for the other oar, it works quite well as long as your not heading into a head wind. I am pretty sure that we only spun around 3 times.

Once you get to the island make sure there are no bears by taking a quick scan for bear tracks and dung. Then set your sites on the best flat area that is not too rocky and get your tent set up. Next it’s time for a fire. Yes, this is most of the reason we go camping. To sit by a fire and tell stories, cook meat, and drink beer. Into the woods we go hunting dry tinder and kindling for a nice fire. You may have to settle for big pieces of wood and frequent “that’s what she said” jokes. You may need help with that log. Is that big enough. Hey slide that log over here. We are going to need more wood. Etc…

Once there is a fire you will need some seating, we made a bench with our bare hands and some pine. Ok, we found a bench out there but it was heavy and that had to count for something. Now it’s time to sit back and make fun of each other, spill beer on your pants, cut your finger on broken glass you melted in the fire and light your cigar with a piece of cedar from the fire…. good times.

Camping is a way to get to know some dude and their loud snoring (sorry guys), as well as recharge the batteries for the next work week. Either way you look at it, it’s a great time had by all in attendance. Don’t forget your matches, knife (for killing), knife (for eating) and your oars!

Calm down, calm down! Keep your wits about you. There may be several ways you can get by without a lighter, below is a rational plan of action:

1) Calmly ask one of your buddies if they have one you can use.

If they don’t then…

2) See if someone happened to bring some matches along.

If they didnt then…

3) Ask how they managed to create the camp fire you are sitting around, if they made it without a lighter or matches, tell them they are awesome and admit they are better outdoorsmen than you. Then go find a small log or stick (I highly recommend cedar) and insert one end of it into the camp fire until hot coals form on it. You can then use the hot coals to light your cigar. After your cigar is lit you will enjoy feeling like a rough grizzly man.

Sometimes the simplest things in life cause us to be very irrational. That is all.

-oxygen

-tinder

-spark


Without any of these three it will be alot harder to get a fire started, but if you have them… great, lets’ get going. You will want to build a tepee with your bigger wood after you have found a safe place for a fire… like maybe in a bare spot in your yard or a fire pit somewhere.

Take your bigger sticks and stack them in a tepee shape and leave a hole to put in your tinder. Take your tinder and form a little bit of a bowl with it and when you are ready put it in the center of the tepee.

Now you can light it right up real nicely, it will burn well, but you may have to blow on it or gently fan it. This all depends on the wood and how green it is. You will want your fuel to snap when you break it… otherwise it is too wet. Next, add the rest of your logs slowly, you don’t want to drown out your fire too soon.

Remember, if you are a dude, there are three things you need to do to earn your manhood.

-Build a fire

-Pee standing up

-Kill anything that needs killing

I think these are rules to live by, if you don’t, check your pants and if you are still not seeing it then you should seek a second opinion.

I understand that this is a late entry… and well, quite frankly, I just came out of my Christmas coma. I mean with all the food, family, and traveling it was enough to make anyone go crazy and never return. There is just too much hustle and bustle and not enough shut up and open your gifts. Anyway, because of the work location I was in and the new address that I have acquired, there was no time for a tree this year, thankfully. Not because I don’t like them, but because I don’t like them… confused? Well let me clarify.

As the man of the house you have to find the tree in the attic or the garage or the garage attic in my case. Get it down with a ladder you found in the trash after the neighbors moved out. Plus, remember all the boxes of decorations your wife is making you get down even though half of them are broken or they are without their matches. Then you drag the box that is held together with miscellaneous adhesive things like duct tape, masking tape, and a piece of weather stripping. You get into the house and open it up and put it all together.

So back to the story, in previous years this would be the case. Then there would be many hours of my wife asking me if I like this ornament or that one. Then I would say no and find both of them on the tree later. Of course that did not happen this year since there was no time… well that, and the fact that I left it at the old house when we moved, woops. Now I have a whole year to configure a plan to not have to buy another. Till then I will give you some idea of how to get rid of yours.

Well, you can do what I did, which is to leave it at your old house and if you’re not moving you could leave at your friends old house. Just throwing that out there. I do see a lot of trees on the side of the road from lazy people that don’t want to take it to the dump or at least to the woods. Its like they don’t know that they will burn, not the people but the trees. The real one of course not the fake, although they will burn you will likely die before the fire is out because of the smell. Of course some cities pick up the tree from the curb and to those people I say I am sorry for saying you will burn… I mean the trees will burn.

If you have an artificial tree and want to get rid of it put a rat skeleton in the box, works EVERYTIME. Otherwise…

BURN IT! That is where this whole article was going, as a matter of fact that was the only thing I had on my mind when I proceeded to write this. But it is worthy, and you should consider fire for an option on a lot of things. Trees, old couches, love letters from an ex, your moms fruitcake that you got for Christmas, and any ties you may have to inside stock trading. (Long story)

So yeah I think we are done here, but to sum it all up: fun with flames is great unless you’re on a date… then you should lose her for not liking to play with fire. Check out the video… yeah it’s right there, I mean here.