Tag Archives: fantasy football


So you probably are already aware of the fact that I am a pretty big football fan, I’m not sure exactly what would have given that fact away but it may have been my past writings such as What To Do About My Favorite NFL Team Helmets, What To Do About Wussy Football Team Names, or maybe it was my most recent football related article What To Do About Winning Your Fantasy Football League…Again. Either way, you are now aware of it. I also prefer NFL football as opposed to the high school or college level and my team of preference happens to be the Cincinnati Bengals, but you were probably already aware of this fact. I’m not totally sure how you knew that but my gut says you probably read my past blogs like What To Do About Being A Bungle, What To Do About How Much The Bengals Suck Right Now, and What To Do About Ocho Cinco. Why am I saying all this you ask? Because I have a problem, it’s actually more like a disease and I don’t know the cure! It’s called THE OFFSEASON.

“So what should I do Nate?” I ask myself. I try to get my Bengals football fix by paying attention to the Scouting Combine, reading mock drafts, reviewing story lines and various team needs, anticipating free agency, and then enjoying the NFL Draft come late April.

Maybe each NFL franchise could actually have 2 teams, maybe an A-Team and a B-Team, this way the B-Team could play while the A-Team (this is not a group of special forces featuring Mr. T) is having their off-season. Whichever team would win the “Offseason Super Bowl” would get to wear t-shirts sort of like this one:

Would this solve my problem or would I risk burn out? Hmm, this is probably a bad idea.

Or maybe I should start recording all of the games from the previous season and then somehow burn them to DVD if I am not able to save them on DVR, that way I can re-watch all of the best Bengals games from the previous season! Yeah, that’s what I’ll do! But what if the Bengals only win 3 games that season? That would kinda suck, then I wouldn’t be motivated to re-watch those games. Grrrr, yeah bad idea.

What to do, what to do…I mean the juices are flowing but how about some help people?!?!

At least baseball season starts in April and that will help lessen my football cravings for at least a month.

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I just happened to be league champion in my primary fantasy football league this year… AGAIN. I said “my primary fantasy football league” because I took part in 4 leagues this year, which was entirely too many by the way, but I won the league that was most important to me. The answer to the question ‘what to do about winning your fantasy football league…again?’ may seem obvious to some. One could celebrate by posting news of their victory all over the world wide web, or by reminding the other opponents each day for 364 days of the following year that you dominated them. My fantasy football team name just happens to be DomiNATE so that would work out nicely for me.

These are all great ideas unless you happen to be the league commissioner each year, as I am. Too many first place finishes will lead to skepticism and suspicion that the league might be rigged. So if you happen to find yourself in my position, here are a few suggestions:

1) The 5 Year Plan. Only really try to win every 5th year, this will keep the other league players still interested and excited about being in your fantasy league each year and will lessen the thought that it might be rigged. Which it isn’t anyways.

2) Personal Economic Assessment. In our fantasy league the league champ gets dinner paid for by the other players at the restaurant of his choice along with other goodies such as beer and cigars, etc. About halfway into each fantasy football season you could do a personal economic assessment and only win if you really can’t afford to lose. What I mean is, if you are in a period of financial prosperity and are thriving economically then let someone else win. However, if you are pinching pennies and considering selling your body for extra cash on the weekends then this would be a good year to go all out and win. Of course this method will not work if you are extremely wealthy. The fact that I suggested this method should give you some info about me.

3) Make Losing Fun. If you win, and your opponents are supposed to buy you dinner, do not pick the most expensive restaurant around and do not order the most expensive item(s) on the menu. Pick a restaurant that the majority of others in the group will also enjoy. Share with others, whether it’s your appetizer, dessert, beer, or you have an extra stogie. Others won’t mind losing to you as often if you make the experience more enjoyable. If your friends don’t mind losing to you then they probably won’t suspect the league to be rigged by you. Which it isn’t by the way. Celebrate with class. Make losing fun gosh darn it!

I know there are a lot of guys, and even a few gals, out there that suffer persecution at the hands of their “friends” for winning their fantasy football leagues multiple times. I know it’s hard at times being the most intelligent sports fan around, that’s why I’m glad to be part of the writing team here at WTDA where we freely provide valuable solutions to life’s tough questions.

I’m out losers.

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I know there are a lot of you out there that think I am already a loser… but to you I say, you are right, I have no gaming skills. So why did I play fantasy football? Well, at first it was to see what the fuss was all about, then it grew into fun and made me love football even more. I have been playing now for 4 years roughly and I have never won or even placed for that matter. Is it because I haven’t picked the right quarterback? Or maybe not the right defense, because defense wins games. Maybe because I don’t drink enough coffee, coffee is the life blood that fuels champions.

Whatever the reason, I cannot seem to win this game, which leads me to this conspiracy, IT’S RIGGED!! I am a pawn in a group of fellahs who just needed a sixth person to make it even and they are out to make me lose every year. It’s deep, I know, but I have noticed a couple things that give me reason to believe this:

– Same commissioner every year
– The commissioner never loses, and neither does his brother or brother-in-law, well maybe once but that didn’t count

Ok, that’s pretty much all I got, but I am still sure its fixed and they are out to make sure I lose every year. So what do I do about this problem? Well, right now I have to buy the beer for the poker night after we buy the winner his dinner. But next time I am going to quit my job and study everyday watching ESPN and reading the sports section of the paper. Maybe I will even hire a fantasy coach to get me through with some smacks to my face and mindless shots to the groin.

Well, whatever I do I am going to place next year, 3rd place I am coming for you! So hold out your hands like I am your long lost lover finally coming home, just like I dreamed it last night.

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What a bunch of sports nuts! Yes, I am one of them, one of those guys who updates his fantasy team multiple times per week during the NFL’s regular season. There is so much to look forward to each week for the fantasy football enthusiast. Not only do we play because of our passion for the wonderful sport of football, but also it enables those of us who wish we had the opportunity to be an NFL owner or coach to show off our mad skills.

Fantasy football allows the average Joe to sort of “live the dream” in his own small little world. It does take some smarts to be a successful manager though. It’s one thing to have a hunch that running back LaDanian Tomlinson is going put up decent numbers this year, I mean he only scored 31 TD’s last year to go along with over 2,300 yards, so he is pretty much a sure bet, but it takes an intelligent fan of the game to know which quarterback to start in week 8 when your current starting QB is on a bye. Odds are that all the other teams in your league probably have the highest rated QB’s on their rosters already so you have to choose between a bevy of other players who are less proven. You could pick up Rex Grossman, but he plays like Joe Montana one week and then the next week looks more like Akili Smith (you’re probably trying to remember). You could pick up Dante Culpepper who threw for over 4,700 yards and 39 TDs a few years ago but since then has been hampered by injury and is starting for the lowly Oakland Raiders this year, a team that gave up more sacks last year than Tito the bag boy on double coupon day at Burt’s Market. Anyway, you get my drift, there are loads of decisions to be made in order to successfully lead your team to the top.

One big motivator for most fantasy football buffs is a little something called “bragging rights”. This is usually more important to the player(s) who talk the most smack during the season. For those who don’t know what talking smack entails, here is an example:

Team 1: “__________ should just quit now and save himself some future embarrassment.”

Team 2 response: “Oh yeah! I almost forgot, when I beat you last, I let my girlfriend update my team, I needed a week off.”

Bragging rights are extremely important; they directly correlate to the amount of satisfaction that the fantasy devotee receives. There’s nothing like defeating last years champ who currently has the team name of Repeat ________ (his name or something clever would be in the blank). You would then also receive more satisfaction by talking some smack; maybe say something like “Repeat ________? More like, Repeat my ass!” It just makes everything more fun from week to week. It’s all done in good fun and makes the league more enjoyable. Definitely learn to not take yourself or others too seriously. If you are overly competitive then you will have the opportunity to work on that flaw.

I could go on and on and give you some tips and pointers for your own fantasy team, but hey, I don’t want to give away the shop. I am participating in 3 leagues this year and am the commissioner in 2 of them. They call me DomiNATE, yes that is my team name, but it’s my name for a reason.

So you wanna know what to do about fantasy football… join a league, talk some smack, have some fun. Thanks for reading; if anyone wants to talk some smack with me lets start a fantasy football thread in the forums.

“What a sports nut, huh?” -Mrs. Finkle (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994))

*this article was featured on September 3, 2007

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