Other kids though, they are quite different. As a matter of fact we had a child over that was quite found of condiments. Not only that, the boy loved cheese, he wanted it on everything. He asked for cheese for lunch and dinner, but the kicker was when he asked for it on his pancakes. Pancakes!!

I believe his words were “I would really like this with cheese”. I can’t understand if he was serious or just buying time to avoid actually eating his breakfast. Either way it sounded real nasty!

Why are our kids like this? They seem to only be attracted to the worst foods and/or the worst foods for you. I mean, our cheese was good… we don’t fool with that crap yellow cheese, no sir, we like our cheese raw… from raw milk, it’s delicious! So maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I mean, you could do way worse– like hot sauce!

If your kid wants to cheese it, just tell them to chill out. Food is made to be different! And no ketchup either! No matter what, unless it’s with french fries fried in avocado oil. No ketchup on the toothbrush either!

Happy parenting!

For those of you who are newly married, single looking to get married, or somewhere in between, you need to be warned. If you like your mother-in-law, and I do, and by like I mean I don’t hate her… If you plan on staying with her instead of your own mother, oh boy. What happens here doesn’t make much sense, unless you are post-menopausal and angry with the world. Your mom will think that you like your mother-in-law more than her. We all know how crazy this is! You may want to stay with your in-laws for a host of reasons like: they are central to friends and activities, they are supplying you with a fully furnished apartment for your stay, and they will let you sleep past 9 am (but not without a guilt trip when you wake up). Then, of course you are going to make the logical decision.

Your mother may not see this as the practical decision, as a matter of fact she will just take it as spiteful and make constant mis-judgements on your character and the character of your wife. It doesn’t matter how wrong she is, or how many times you tell her to move closer to civilization. She won’t do it and she will blame you for your lack of compassion when it comes to her own failures at house hunting.

If this isn’t making any sense to you, you must be single or an only child, or maybe even just a jerk… either way, nobody cares what you think.

If you are looking to settle down with a nice girl, please, for the love of pete, make sure her family is at least 400 miles from yours. I honestly think it would be easier. Yeah maybe not practical for vacation time, taking off two full weeks within 60 days. BUT it will make the drama subside a little… at least I think it would. My mom is probably just looking for something to disapprove of.

If you are wondering what I’m going to do, you are in for a treat. After staying with my mother last time I was in town and realizing she and my dad were content to just sit and watch TV, I decided that I will make a rigorous schedule that will keep us moving and wear all of our family out as only I know how to do. If I can’t make the drama go away I will make them so annoyed they won’t want me to stay. Practical jokes are the gifts that keep on giving.

It is important to monitor the kitchen towel, especially if you have unobservant roommates or family members, as they may have inadvertently wiped up chicken blood, or, perhaps, maybe coffee was spilled on the counter and the towel was set in it and then placed right back on the handle without anyone noticing.

Some people like to have two towels in the kitchen, one towel to use for hand drying, and one towel to use for drying dishes. I think the two towel method is useful for maintaining a cleaner towel for longer periods, although, while you may be able to stretch the usefulness of the clean towels, you now have the extra work of watching, swtiching out, and washing two towels as opposed to one. I like having two towels in the kitchen just so I can use one to snap people in the bum, but that’s just me. Towel snap!

So, as you should have been able to glean, the most important thing for excellent use of the kitchen towel is keeping it clean. The second most important thing is to allow it to dry properly in between uses. Sure, sure you will have times when you need a towel to clean up a dirty mess, but then that towel will go straight to the wash and will not be a regular customer of your hands or dishes for the next week.

If you fail to clean your towel or allow it to dry properly, it will develop a a terrible smell that will haunt you in your dreams. The smell will overtake your every thought and permanently bind you to its will. You will never again escape its clutches. It will be the farthest thing from the most interesting smell in the world, and yet, everyday you will think you smell the smell, even when you do not.

Clingy people are usually emotionally unstable, but not as a whole, just in one or two areas. It’s either because of rejection, poor parenting, substance abuse or they pour crazy for breakfast every morning, who really knows? All I can tell you is how to survive them, it’s not hard, it will just take some duct tape, needle nose pliers and a little bit of know-how!

How to tell if your friend has C.F.S Clingy Friend Syndrome:

1. They get pissed off when they are not invited to things that you are invited to
2. These friends are the coolest people on the planet one minute and quite crazy the next
3. These friends mean well, but don’t really know what well means
4. They always want to know what you are doing and are never calling to invite you to something
5. These friends will take anyones advice that seems a little more stable then they
6. C.F.S’s will always be a true friend to you, so long as you are already emotionally committed to another individual

I know, I know, now your feelings are hurt, I can’t say that I am surprised, but remember that I am the married guy! The one that has one emotional attachment to another individual, so it’s safe to assume that you will not get hurt. So you can be truthful with me and yourself, and step up to the plate of personal responsibility and tell yourself that you are the cause of your problems. Why? Because this is what a therapist would do (not “the rapist” either) no really… Saw it on TV. I know it’s true because it has helped me in my job with my clients, as soon as they realize that they have a weight problem and it wasn’t caused by anyone else but themselves. This, this I tell you, is where we make progress!!

So stop surrounding yourself with yes friends and start making some changes to your life that will help you to not be so clingy. If you have a friend with C.F.S then just remember that this friend or friends don’t see this as a flaw, and they will probably blame you for their shortcomings. It’s no big deal, at least they will always come right back when they realize that no one else will talk to their craziness.

I love my C.F.S friends, they are loyal and they love me, but if I have to give the same advice twice I might have to haul off and hit their mothers. I mean, come on, really? Pick yourself off the floor and take a look in the mirror. Once you fix you, the rest will just happen, people will start liking you or even loving you, you may have a sustainable relationship that is with someone other than a family member or someone that is already committed to someone else emotionally and you could even cure your foot odor, who knows it could help… I think!

It’s not sexist to watch your wife wash your car (or mow your lawn) in a bikini, it’s art! If there ever was a reason to watch a woman do anything, it is a right of passage in a marriage.

The same principle applies for mowing the grass. It seems wrong to let her, but if she wants to help, who am I to say no. I mean she loves to help and I actually needed it. No pride here. I was strictly too busy and I trusted her to keep the lines straight, Lord only knows how many times I made her read WTDA MOWING YOUR LAWN before she did it. She knew what to do and when I got home from work I could sit out side sipping a pina colada and watch her wash my car. Sure she missed a few spots and nearly ran over the cat, but those things are expendable. Her heart was in it and that is all I need, most of the time. Our marriage is good, she will tell you that! Especially when she uses her charm to get me to wash the dishes or clean the toilet. I do it with a smile on my face and spring in my step.

Fellahs! Don’t discriminate, let the wife help cut the grass, it can be a great relationship builder and who knows?… maybe she will let you sleep in the same bed as her when you finish… so long as you wash your hands. Next thing you know, she will be showing you how to fold towels. In a marriage, we call these things (towel folding and grass mowing) foreplay! I know it used to be the stroke of her hand on your face or the soft kiss on the lips that used to do it, but now… Now it’s the way she turns the mower or the way you place the towels on the top shelf… that is what light the fires of passion in the life of a seemingly boring married couple. Just wait till she finds me doing the laundry in a bikini! It will be grand!

I don’t give gifts! It’s true, just ask my kids. They haven’t been gifted in 4 years. So they don’t even know what they are missing. It’s been awesome if I do say so myself. They have not been without, because they are all over-gifted by my mom and my wife’s mom. The grandparents pretty much give them all the gifts they need. In fact, when we first had our oldest son they gifted so much that we had gifts for his birthday too!

If you are unsure of this method I want to tell you to give it a try. The worst thing that will happen is they will cry… But they will forget about it in 5-7 years. Sometimes you gotta be frugle, besides that you give them plenty of things. Things like:

-A roof
-A bed
-3 meals a day
-The best years of your life

They are getting gifts everyday, so there are no complaints allowed.

If you need to know what to do about giving gifts to others, like your distant cousins or your mothers brothers step child, if you are not sure, err on the side of “Christmas card”. You cannot go wrong with the card. It shows you care without the chance of failing the gifting process. Nobody likes a failure, well… I guess their mothers still do.

We had to break down and buy the kids gifts this year because they saw it on tv. So we bought them a few and sold the tv. Hey! We have to protect our way of life, don’t hate!

Merry Christmas!

What kind of rake does a former landscape pro use? A metal one that has long tines and firm handle (thats what she said). I can throw leaves with a good metal leaf rake, not a plastic one. It is like comparing a push mower to a weed eater. The plastic ones will always come loose at the handle and break but a good metal one will take you three or four seasons.

What will take you 5-10 seasons is what I like to call the fruit of my loins or… my son. He has finally come of age. What age? The age of asking for money! So he has come of the age of working with his hands till they bleed, i.e. raking my leaves!

I have to tell you the first time I let him help with cutting the grass I realized how good I had it. Now… now I am in awe of the possibilities! I mean, had someone told me that fatherhood would be this great,¬† I would have done it sooner! I mean it is quite a feeling to see your boy doing some of your chores. I dream of the day when he can do them all, with the exception of touching my car. This will take a little more time, as he doesn’t see the value in something he can’t drive.

I will show my boy the best and fastest way to rake the leaves and pay him minimally. It’s how you work your way up the manchain, it’s like the food chain but it works more intricately. Given the nature of the male anatomy it can be quite hard to explain, so I won’t.

Make your kids rake the leaves, then burn the leaves while enjoying some high quality brew. Good times man, good times! It was worth the $5 I paid the boy to rake the 1.5 acres.

I must note the fact that this actually happened to me. I must also note the fact that this happened even before I married my wife and I still went through with it. My girlfriend (at the time) and I were proceeding to go upstairs to say good-bye to the parents as we were headed out on a date. After not seeing anyone, we tried sliding out the front door, when, suddenly her dad met us. Now, I should stop here to say a few things. My father-in-law is a great guy, but unlike the Mexicans and “most” women, he is a hairy man! That said, a great guy. I like to consider myself blessed to know him and to think that there are a lot of dudes out there that dread talking to their wives’ dads… I am not one of those dudes.

So we where headed out the door and I was reaching for my keys in my pocket and then “hey!” as he said it walking around the corner with an open robe. My first thought when I saw no shirt was “my God he is naked”. Thankfully no, but I am sure my expression did not change. I froze. Of course he wanted a hug, as he was a nice guy, but he knew when to make the right impression at the right time. Well, my hands were still in my pockets and then it happened the stiff hug. Now I say stiff because I did not hug back, but tried to not touch the hair, and the “little man” if you now what I mean. Although my hands, gripping my keys as if they where life itself, where in my pocket, they were so close to the “area”. After the hug, while I was still figuring out where to put my eyes, he said “Hi son” to which I replied… “hello”. Then he said, “You are probably shocked that I am in my underwear?” I said, “no… we are practically… um… family” He laughed as I was still trying to figure out where to put my eyes. I asked if we were ready to go.  He said good-bye and then told me to have her back by nine… I agreed rather quickly still dazed and confused. Then as we backed down the driveway, we saw her dad wave to us as he searched for gold in his pants. I then realized… this was all planned out. Foiled again.


I know this was a long time ago. A lot has changed since then and it’s only in the last few years that my father-in-law decided to switch to boxers… still in public. I know how nice it is to be comfortable and occasionally find myself walking around in my underwear and yes I will admit maybe naked… but only to the bedroom to put some clothes on. Although, I understand what his intentions were, I did not need to see his um… “intentions”.

So, how have I coped with this for 7 years? Well, it has not been easy, and well, I think… there is no way out!! Once you have crossed that line there is no going back. My only advice is to enter a room with caution and if your girlfriend’s mom is not home, because we all know that our wives will tell us to put some pants on. Please, for the sake of mankind, yell “are you decent?” before you enter into any room.

Something I just thought of, I would never tell my wife to put some pants on… interesting.