I know, I know, all this coming from the guy with 27 moving violations, 3 non- moving violations and 2 crosswalk violations. I guess the difference is that while I flirt with danger, my sister straight up kisses it on the mouth! We both were bred for danger, we drive like everything is a race and everyone is a viable competitor, even the 78 year old in the cadillac. You all are going down!

I don’t know that I am a better driver, but I must say that I only drive crazy in spurts when I get in one of my moods. My sister seems to be in one of those moods all the time, and I don’t think she knows it. It’s like taking a squirrel, putting eyeliner on it, spinning it around in circles, then feeding it speed laced brownies, slapping it in the face, giving it a Chrysler 300 and hoping for the best! The squirrel would still drive better. Good God, woman, keep it between the lines!

I am not normally scared in the passenger seat, as a matter of fact I sometimes enjoy it, so long as I am not riding shotgun with Carrie (likes to use the brakes on the highway) or Andrew (he really likes to tell people how they are driving). One of my favorite friends to ride shotgun with is Tim. Tim has read enough Car and Driver/Motor Trend magazines that he pisses defensive driving. My sister, on the other hand, makes me feel like I have been recently rescued from a terrorist right before he started torturing me ( still tied up)… speeding down the highway as the terrorist is shooting at us, she ducks and dives into the right lane. Passing and weaving like she is an over zealous hair dresser and the lanes of the highway are a head of flowing locks that she wants braid… very badly!

You are wondering what to do about this? Well, I will tell you! I got out my phone and called her. She answered. I then told her I was telling mother. She laughed hard (inside joke) and we made it to the coffee shop alive. Just imagine how she drives after a cup of joe.

The friend – drives like someone punched him in the balls for no reason whatsoever. He is always flailing his arms and screaming profanities that are often uncalled for. Not to mention they are down right embarrassing! I am not one that cares too much for what other people think of me, that is of course so long as I am being myself. Yelling at other drivers that are abiding by the laws, but are maybe a little too cautious, is a little bit too much. Which I believe it to be more effort to curse and carry on than to just go around. This effort is something that is practiced so it would not be what comes naturally. It’s a bad habit.

So, if you are pissed when someone takes an extra second to turn the corner, maybe you should inquire as to why this is. Maybe you need a hug? Or maybe you just need a swift kick in the pants? Or maybe you just need me to tell you that it’s not cool, and you are not cool when you do it. So hey! It’s not cool, so stop dong it!

The family member – has spent one too many days behind the wheel of a big rig. This family member calls cars “four wheelers” which is nearly another article itself! He talks to cars like they can hear him… they can’t. But rest assured, if they could, they would tell him to shut up. It may be true that none of the four wheelers out there care about the big rigs, but don’t take it personally. And for crying out loud! Stop gettng mad at them for your 6 lane right-hand turns!

In summary, I personally think that dealing with crazy, lazy, extra safe drivers can actually make you a better driver. This will only happen if you will first stop yelling, gesturing, flailing, honking, headlight flashing and just being outright outraged. You too can be a more aware, more aggressive driver! Why is this important? Because you will have more friends, your wife won’t tell you how to drive, you will become a nice guy, and gosh darnit you just may be something someday!

Getting on the highway really isn’t that hard, but alas, some people really do make it that way, hard. I think it’s fun to watch people enter, especially the ones who are mad. They are not mad for any certain reason they just ooze anger. How do I know? Because they are usually yelling at their windsheild, or giving their steering wheel a severe tongue lashing. This lashing happens before they even get into merge position. Laughable I tell ya, laughable!!

So you want to know the untold secrets? The unsaid rules of the road as it pertains to merging? Well, let me tell you what merging doesn’t involve.

Merging doesn’t involve:

-Brake lights
-No signal drifting
-Horn honking
-Low speeds
-Yelling
-Middle fingers
-Cursing anyone’s mother

You can just about tell what to do when merging by reading the don’ts. I know you like it when I point out the obvious so I will tell you the untold secrets of merging. The unsaid rules of the road!

When merging please remember:

-The accelorator is on the right
-There is no room for brake lights
-Screaming at the car next to you will not make up for your short comings, no matter how loud you get and how much you move your hands.
-Use your signal
-Use the whole length of the ramp

That’s it! I know it’s simple really! Just commit to following these rules. You do that and you will not go wrong! Rmemeber that the entrance ramp is your runway, hit the gas! Use these untold secrets of merging, the unsaid rules of the road with respect… and wisely.

The Music City–not exactly New York or Chicago, but still a thriving metropolis in its own quirky, check-out-our-naked-statues kinda way. ¬†Nashville has what I like to call ‚Äúa bundle of potentiality.‚Äù ¬†Yeah, we‚Äôve got the music thing going for us.¬† But who cares how many treble clefs we have when we fall behind in basic, everyday areas like: our public transportation system (you can count the buses on one hand); road kill cleanup crews (just ask the dead raccoon that‚Äôs been laying at the end of my street for three weeks); and highway construction efficiency (two words: Briley Parkway). ¬†Common denominator?¬† Trouble on the roads. ¬†And as the temperature outside goes down‚Ķ things only get worse. ¬†For today, let‚Äôs forget the War on Terror. ¬†Forget Islamic insurgency in Somalia. ¬†Forget the possibility of nukes in Iran. ¬†Let‚Äôs focus on bigger problems‚ÄîSNOW FLURRIES.

Let me lead you through a typical snowstorm in Nashville–and I use the word ‚Äústorm‚Äù very, very lightly. ¬†It all starts with the dedicated weathermen…I mean, meteorologists…at News Channel 5–bless their hearts. ¬†Ron or Lelan stand in front of the magical green screen, magically showing a blizzard in Colorado or Connecticut. ¬†”There‚Äôs a 30% chance of snow flurries tomorrow.‚Äù ¬†Immediately the ticker lists school closings for the following day.¬† I grew up in Jersey (insert NJ Turnpike joke here), and we went to school in a foot of snow. ¬†Literally. ¬†I remember trekking to the bus stop in pink My Little Pony snow boots.¬† You‚Äôre telling me that Nashville Metro CANCELS school based on a slight CHANCE of flurries?!?!¬† Un-freakin-believable.¬† How do these kids ever pass 12th grade?¬†

Back to the story… Suddenly, Home Depot and Kroger are flooded with customers.  The shelves are cleared of all bottled water, flashlights and generators.  Ironically, this is usually when I get a craving for some Lucky Charms, but alas, there is no milk left in all of Middle Tennessee.  You see how this affects my life?  What ensues after this is more of the same, plus really, really, REALLY bad driving.  Even before a flake falls from the sky, drivers are staring into the clouds yelling, “I think I see one!”  And then… BAM!  Accident.  Or your neighbor rolls out with chains on the tires of his Benz.  Doesn’t quite handle the same, eh?  And then… BAM!  Wreck.

So… what to do?  I offer this advice to all fellow Nashville residents as we begin these winter months:  Stay off the road.  Seems a bit extreme?  Believe me.  This is not about you.  It’s about them.  I don’t care if you grew up in Siberia.  Just stay off the road.  DARE to say no.  Walk if you have to… but not too close to the road.  There’s a 30% chance you’ll get hit.  Close the sidewalks!