(names will remain anonymous)

1.)¬†”Why would she have you meet her at a bar at 10 in the morning?” – (I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.)
2.)¬†“back from the studio and the vets.” – (They allow pets in the studio?)
3.)¬†”When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” -S. Guitry
4.)¬†”is wide awake at 4am. Coffee really IS a stimulant, in case you were wondering.” – (Nice little PSA there.)
5.)¬†”Nice! Ian McIntosh just released his new single Obsession for free to Tweeters. Definitely worth a listen. http://tinyurl.com/y8ktlyz ” – (You weren’t kiddin.)
6.)¬†”In addition to the contusion on my right leg and my sore wrists from my fall last night, I decided to ram my left knee into my filing cabinet today. WHY do people even let me leave the house?!” – (Time to start wearing shin guards, knee pads, and a helmet probably wouldn’t hurt.)
7.)¬†“I just emptied the lint trap to my dryer and it looks as if I killed a goose.”

8.)¬†”Cody just called me an Ass Pellet. Please excuse my language.”
9.)¬†”is now stressed about her two math finals starting at 8am. Both of which are over her head.” – (Would you be stressed if I place them on the floor?)
10.)¬†”I don’t deserve Christ’s forgiveness; good thing it doesn’t factor in!”

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The problem stems from wanting to tell jokes or picking up on something funny and wanting so bad to tell it first that I would say it too fast. This would only result in people laughing at me and not my jokes.

Talking too fast would make me self-conscious till about 1989 when micro machines came out. You remember micro machines don’t you? They were little cars that were really cool. Their spokesman was a fast talking fellah with a bald head. This made me proud to be a fast talker. I soon thought, “well at least I am not a close talker” or a “hand talker”, or a “round and round talker”. Not familiar with the last one? Well the “round and round talker” is one who talks about one thing one way and before you know it they are back to the same subject another way like they never left it.

This problem happens with topic talkers as well, they go from topic to topic like a bad news cast. So you see… I wasn’t any of these, and well, that was something… maybe not a lot of things, but something.

Now a days I find myself talking fast after a stiff cup of coffee. But I don’t mind it so much until that is I can’t remember words or names because I am talking too fast. The key to this problem is to remember to pace oneself. Life is not a race it is a freaking marathon.

So mind your p’s and q’s or you will be fighting for words when you should be fighting for a cup of coffee but you forgot how to say “latte”.

Warm coffee, great. Cold coffee, good. Undrinkably hot coffee, well it makes me outright mad. I mean there is nothing like paying $2.50 for a really good cup o’ joe and then not be able to drink it for about 45 minutes. It burns me up… er, well you get it right?

I want to drink my coffee and not use it to strip paint or boil noodles, just a sip and then AhAhAh! I burn my tongue, this makes me curse and want to beat the sweater wearing hippie who served me this boiling lava. I mean I don’t want to kill my throat with this molten rock, I want to enjoy it.¬†

Why do we need to make it so hot? It doesn’t need to be sterile does it? I mean can we just use filtered water? What is the deal with hot coffee?

I had some that was so hot that I swore the cardboard cup was melting, I could smell the cup and it stank!¬† Later, when I was finally able to drink it, it tasted like cardboard. If it’s too hot to hold it in your hand then you shouldn’t put it in your mouth.¬†

So I honestly don’t have an idea for what to do about hot coffee, this is where you come in. I need you to help me, I need suggestions of coffee shops that don’t boil their coffee. Or maybe a good reason why the coffee is so hot. Really I will listen I just need answers!

Drinking coffee at night is pretty much me making a decision to be awake til 3am or sentencing myself to a restless night of sleep with frequent trips to the bathroom. If you are my friend and we are hanging out after 8pm please please (that’s a double please) do not let me drink coffee, at least not caffeinated coffee. Please tell me that it is for my own good and that I need to get my rest and sleep later that night. Please remind me that if I do not get my sleep I will be a crank the next day and feel so tired due to my lack of sleep the night before. You can also remind me that I will be susceptible to getting sick because a lack of sleep weakens my immune system and I tend to require more sleep than the average person.

If I plan in advance to stay up really late at night, say for example I have a test I need to study for the next day, or I am off the next day and have no plans except to sleep in then yes, drinking a cup of coffee after 8pm is not the worst thing I could do. If I am driving somewhere far away and need to stay awake then drinking coffee after 8pm is a great great (that‚Äôs a double great) idea. If I am driving long distance at night then drinking coffee will help ensure the safety of myself and the other passengers traveling with me, so if you know me and I am driving late at night, please buy me a cup of coffee. If my brother Tim is driving, please please please (that‚Äôs a triple please) buy him a cup of coffee, even if it is before 8pm…he seems to sleep better behind a wheel than he does in his own bed.

Well I think this article has been informative and will help you help me, yes it will help you help me (that’s a double ‘help you help me’) make better decisions in regards to my coffee drinking habits.