Other kids though, they are quite different. As a matter of fact we had a child over that was quite found of condiments. Not only that, the boy loved cheese, he wanted it on everything. He asked for cheese for lunch and dinner, but the kicker was when he asked for it on his pancakes. Pancakes!!

I believe his words were “I would really like this with cheese”. I can’t understand if he was serious or just buying time to avoid actually eating his breakfast. Either way it sounded real nasty!

Why are our kids like this? They seem to only be attracted to the worst foods and/or the worst foods for you. I mean, our cheese was good… we don’t fool with that crap yellow cheese, no sir, we like our cheese raw… from raw milk, it’s delicious! So maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I mean, you could do way worse– like hot sauce!

If your kid wants to cheese it, just tell them to chill out. Food is made to be different! And no ketchup either! No matter what, unless it’s with french fries fried in avocado oil. No ketchup on the toothbrush either!

Happy parenting!

For instance, my wife has a slight clumsy gene that comes and goes every now and then. This — among other things, comes out in our kids.

As a matter of fact Elijah, our oldest, had a run-in with a slide the other day. This made him cry and run and hide… which he does when he doesn’t want people to see him cry… which he gets from me. Well, I tried to console him and had him laughing and playing in his hiding spot under the stairs at the playground. That’s when I said, “I am coming in there to get you”. He then got so excited that he turned and ran straight into the staircase. Which, of course, led to another fit of crying and hiding.

The clumsy side I can’t claim, but the run and hide part I have to claim. The sad thing is I don’t know why…

If you want kids, think about the bad stuff about you that they will make worse. Just food for thought when considering procreation.

There was poop all over the place, green goo that can only be described one way, bile from the pit of satan port-o-john! What is worse, the older boy sat there enjoying sponge bob and his square pants, all while his little brother was pooping out of his pants. It looked like an “A” bomb full of pooh went off. Dad did the only honorable thing he could, he left and went to work till he was summoned to scrap pooh from the ceiling. A job he did with honor, and a wash cloth over his nose and mouth.

If you are out there and you hear the distress of a boy calling for his mother because of something his brother did and it involves pooh, run… just run!

I want him to learn lots of instruments, but piano must be first. Why? I am glad you asked…. Because it takes more work. Doubt that? Then, Mr. Smarty pants you try it. Either way, this is the order of play when it comes to instruments in our house.

-Piano
-Drums
-Guitar
-Bass (by this time it will be cake)

When it comes to sports, there is a list that must be followed whether he likes it or not.

-Football
-Baseball
-Hockey
-Rugby
-Polo
-Water polo
-Golf
-Field hockey
-Frisbee golf
-Competitive swimming
…..maybe soccer, but not if I can help it.

There is always a list, even when you think there is no list, there is always a list. If you doubt this, ask your wife or any respectable woman, she will tell you. So fellahs, you learn to play the piano and suddenly the women won’t be so hard to figure out. Just play one note on the piano and suddenly she is fixed!

Slipping hot sauce into my kid’s food is funny, but putting it in the ketchup bottle lid is just priceless. Try it and see if you don’t laugh till you pee a little in your pants. His face fills with joy as he is so excited to destroy some ketchup with a handful of homemade fries. Then, after a hearty dip, his face turns to one of fear. Then, as the food falls out of his mouth, you are at such a high that you laugh uncontrollably when he yells, “I hate you dad!”. After that incident, of course all I have to do now is look at him and he starts crying, then his mother has to tell him that I didn’t do anything because we don’t even have any hot sauce.

Imagine my excitement when I had a client bring me some cinnamon-chile-chocolate from a local chocolatier. This chocolate was spicy and maybe even a little hot, I liked it as did my youngest, but the wife and my oldest actually spit it out. My oldest ran to the water before he spit his out, his reaction was just what I had hoped for. I got the “look” from the wife. This look suggested that I was too mean for my own good, I assured her that it was hereditary. Then I reminded her of the flaming burrito of 95‘.

Give your kids spicy food! It’s a riot and who knows, maybe in the future they will actually thank you for it, it’s not likely, but one can hope, right?

There is one thing you need to be prepared for once you have twins: everybody and their mother will smile at you and say “Boy, you have your hands full.” A nice observation and one that might win in the world’s biggest understatement contest. You see, once you have twins you’ll quickly discover that it is not twice the work, but three times the work. This is because with one kid you can always hand the bundle of joy over to your spouse to take a break, but with twins, you’ve each got a kid to deal with ALL THE TIME.

When my wife and I learned that we had twins, we were shell shocked. We didn’t really have a clue what we were going to be getting into. Oh no. It doesn’t help that our twins are… shall we say… high maintenance. So much so, that when my wife and I watch those shows on the telly with sextuplets or what not we literally cry. I kid you not, we flipping cry. Oh yea, if you’re having twins… buy some Kleenex. And beer.

On the other hand, taking into account the counseling and the hair wringing, when one has twins there is always the knowledge that the pair will always have a friend to play with. They’re always going to have someone to confide in. It helps in our case that there is an older sibling that is only two years older. You can see that the three boys are going to be fast friends.

As for you and your wife, if you’re lucky to survive their ascent into adulthood… well, I guess I can’t speak to that. Perhaps I’ll be too worn out. They’ll all leave the house but I’ll be as lifeless as a piece of paper. That’s how I feel right now, typing out this essay.

On one point I think I will stand firm, though. Women seem to think that just because you’ve got twins, everything has to match. I think that this really has the potential to torpedo their own uniqueness. Plus, it’s plain silly some times. They don’t even like the same things some times. So, let me strongly suggest to you men out there that you man up, and when your wife wants to get all sentimental and wants to mirror the children off of each other, you bow to her demands immediately. Trust me. Your free time as a married couple will be limited as it is, if you get my meaning, and you want to choose your battles carefully. Who cares about their little egos! What are you thinking, dude?

So, you may as well get used to the fact that you’re about to have two of everything and you’re going to be tired out of your mind. You may wish to consider an “Everybody Loves Raymond” scenario. It saved my sanity.

*this article was featured on September 12, 2007

Oh the joy of procreation. A new baby in your house, the pitter patter of little feet eating all of your food, sucking down all your milk and not to mention your money. Actually, kids remind me of a school bully, except with kids you get beat up at night while you are trying to sleep and they take your money the moment they get out of bed. Not to mention that your beautiful bride is now a referee for this non-stop game of life. By the time you get to spend any time with her, she is either tired and already asleep, or she is talking baby talk to you while wiping the drool off of your chin. She forgets what make-up is and she is not sure of the last time that she got a bath. Although I must say… it is kind of nice when she cuts up my food as well as the kids.

Kids can be great though… don’t get me wrong. I love mine even when they are robbing me of my bed and peeing in the tub. They are a gift, a gift that you don’t expect like the battery-powered toothbrush your grandma gave you last year for Christmas or the flat tire when you are on your way to a super bowl party.

I am not here to discourage you from having kids, but I want to give you the real story versus the fairytale. For instance, I like to read but every time I sit down to do so my son is always asking me “dad lets go outside” or “dad can I have some cheerios” or “dad I have to pee” and that’s my cue… I have to make a mad dash to get the boy to the toilet (nearest tree) before he wets himself, then I end up getting him his cheerios and watching him play outside. I don’t want to be a bad parent, I just want to get some things done of my own. The kids of course are more important… so we play. He can throw a ball better than me but he still runs like a girl, all in good time I guess.

Two days later when I am vacuuming the same cheerios out of the couch, I find my book under a cushion all smashed up and it seems to have pictures in it now. They are colored quite badly while some pages are missing altogether. This is when I have to take a minute to breathe and not get angry…yeah right, I am going to kill that kid as soon as I get my hands on him. Mommy soon finds me and reminds me that he probably did it because it was on the couch and not put away like it should be and “you can’t expect him to know that was not to be colored on, besides you didn’t put it away”. That’s when it all comes back to me, I remember the other day when I was reading and my son had to pee. I took him and ended up playing frisbee till it was time for bed. She was right again… although I never told her. Mothers are great at that and my wife is no exception.

It‚Äôs no coincidence that while I was writing this very article that my son wanted to sit by me and play on his computer. It was then that he saw my water and wanted a drink. Now, I don‚Äôt drink water out of a normal glass‚Ķ mine is a Viking mug that I got at a thrift store a year ago. So I say to my son ‚Äúyes you can drink from daddy‚Äôs glass‚Äù (or jug depending on what side of the world you are on). He has done this many times before so I was not too worried. He successfully took a drink and that‚Äôs when it happened. He put it back on the table and it tips over right into my computer. This is another situation when you need to exercise control. My first reaction was kill kill, kill… instead I quickly grabbed the computer and flipped it upside down to keep the water from running inside. I told my son to go and get me a towel, but he was already gone, he likes to run and hide when he sees daddy get mad. Why he does this I don‚Äôt know‚Ķbut it‚Äôs not because I have on more than one occasion been very mad and yelled a lot. So no towel. When I found him he had the towel in his hand and was crying like a baby. I got the towel and wiped down the computer and everything seems fine now.

I can’t help but think that I could of avoided the whole situation by not sitting there when he said he wanted water. If I would have got up and gotten him the water in his sippy cup he would have drank it just the same and I would have lower blood pressure right now.

So lets see if I can sift this all out for you. To be a good parent you have to at least try. Don’t be lazy or uncaring. There is an exchange of respect between children and parents. I can admit I am a little lazy sometimes when it comes to my kids, but this I will work on. If you don’t think you are lazy and your kids do not respect you, then you are lazy and that’s their way of telling you.

I would like to think that my kids would be better people by default than I am… that can’t happen unless I give them all of me so they will have something to exceed. I know it sounds kind of stupid, but I am living it, and you did search for the article. Unless you are reading it by chance, in that case consider it as advice.

So have some kids and don‚Äôt be afraid of the curve balls that may come your way. Your kids will have quite an adventure in growing up and they need you to get through it‚Ķ and you need to chill out. So to all you married folk… happy humping! Enjoy everything from conception to graduation, you‚Äôll be a better person for it. As for my wife and I, we are going to love each other whenever we get a chance. I will make time for her and that will give her the energy to keep going with the kids. Maybe in the end she will love me too, even though I make bigger messes and she gets wet when I wet the bed too.

I have to go my son is peeing in the yard again (like father, like son).

*this article was featured on August 20, 2007