I know, I know, all this coming from the guy with 27 moving violations, 3 non- moving violations and 2 crosswalk violations. I guess the difference is that while I flirt with danger, my sister straight up kisses it on the mouth! We both were bred for danger, we drive like everything is a race and everyone is a viable competitor, even the 78 year old in the cadillac. You all are going down!

I don’t know that I am a better driver, but I must say that I only drive crazy in spurts when I get in one of my moods. My sister seems to be in one of those moods all the time, and I don’t think she knows it. It’s like taking a squirrel, putting eyeliner on it, spinning it around in circles, then feeding it speed laced brownies, slapping it in the face, giving it a Chrysler 300 and hoping for the best! The squirrel would still drive better. Good God, woman, keep it between the lines!

I am not normally scared in the passenger seat, as a matter of fact I sometimes enjoy it, so long as I am not riding shotgun with Carrie (likes to use the brakes on the highway) or Andrew (he really likes to tell people how they are driving). One of my favorite friends to ride shotgun with is Tim. Tim has read enough Car and Driver/Motor Trend magazines that he pisses defensive driving. My sister, on the other hand, makes me feel like I have been recently rescued from a terrorist right before he started torturing me ( still tied up)… speeding down the highway as the terrorist is shooting at us, she ducks and dives into the right lane. Passing and weaving like she is an over zealous hair dresser and the lanes of the highway are a head of flowing locks that she wants braid… very badly!

You are wondering what to do about this? Well, I will tell you! I got out my phone and called her. She answered. I then told her I was telling mother. She laughed hard (inside joke) and we made it to the coffee shop alive. Just imagine how she drives after a cup of joe.

The friend – drives like someone punched him in the balls for no reason whatsoever. He is always flailing his arms and screaming profanities that are often uncalled for. Not to mention they are down right embarrassing! I am not one that cares too much for what other people think of me, that is of course so long as I am being myself. Yelling at other drivers that are abiding by the laws, but are maybe a little too cautious, is a little bit too much. Which I believe it to be more effort to curse and carry on than to just go around. This effort is something that is practiced so it would not be what comes naturally. It’s a bad habit.

So, if you are pissed when someone takes an extra second to turn the corner, maybe you should inquire as to why this is. Maybe you need a hug? Or maybe you just need a swift kick in the pants? Or maybe you just need me to tell you that it’s not cool, and you are not cool when you do it. So hey! It’s not cool, so stop dong it!

The family member – has spent one too many days behind the wheel of a big rig. This family member calls cars “four wheelers” which is nearly another article itself! He talks to cars like they can hear him… they can’t. But rest assured, if they could, they would tell him to shut up. It may be true that none of the four wheelers out there care about the big rigs, but don’t take it personally. And for crying out loud! Stop gettng mad at them for your 6 lane right-hand turns!

In summary, I personally think that dealing with crazy, lazy, extra safe drivers can actually make you a better driver. This will only happen if you will first stop yelling, gesturing, flailing, honking, headlight flashing and just being outright outraged. You too can be a more aware, more aggressive driver! Why is this important? Because you will have more friends, your wife won’t tell you how to drive, you will become a nice guy, and gosh darnit you just may be something someday!

Cars are better than women because they don’t talk back, and when you give them gas they don’t slap you! I mean, who’s ever complained about their car and their woman in the same sentence… unless it’s in a country song. I sometimes feel like I could detail my car in half the time that my wife could get herself ready. I mean come on, really? The beauty of a good clean finish on your car, you know that? When it gleams in your eye almost winking at you. That. That my friends is when you know you found something special, something that can only belong between a man and his car.

Now that you have found this lovely piece of machinery you must get it or keep it clean depending on the condition of the vehicle upon purchase. I have comprised a list of instructions for the detailing of your new chariot:

• Clean interior thoroughly with low gloss vinyl/leather cleaner -¬†Low gloss because your dash doesn’t need to be so oily that you can’t touch it without getting grease stains on your hands or clothes.¬†
• Use a Q-tip to get into those hard to reach places -¬†There is no reason your ac vents need to be dusty. Those seat belt slots should be well cleaned also!
• Vacuum like never before -¬†Move the blasted seats up and suck the crap out from under the seats and on the sides were everyone likes to drop french fries.
• Wash car -¬†Top to bottom with no drying of the soap or bathing the car in the sun.
• Dry car -¬†Water spots suck!
• Dry door, trunk and hood jams -¬†Thorough boys get more appreciation from the ladies, at least that’s what I heard
• Wipe down the engine -¬†This will make you and your mechanic proud
• Do the windows! -¬†There is no reason for slacking now!
• Dress the tires with tire shine -¬†Make everything shine, but don’t put on so much that you get it all over the rims or splatter it on the car.

If you have not done ALL these things, then please don’t say things like, “I will detail the car for you” or, “she’s detailed and ready to go!” It takes about 2 hours to do it right, but the satisfaction will be worth it. You know you have done well when you can’t stop staring at it while you are walking away.

My car hunt is over!! I found the car of my dreams! No, really! I have been after this car since 2001. My friend Tim and I used to sit around and talk about having one. After all these years I finally found one, or found one cheap enough, whichever works. I purchased my car this last week and it has been amazing, the whole process was a blessing in itself. It is everything that I thought it would be and so much more. I told my wife it was like seeing a naked woman (her) for the first time, you keep looking again and again (at your wife) to make sure you are seeing what you think you are seeing. She laughed and said that I was crazy, if she only knew…

I started driving my car on my daily rounds about the city, training and bringing pain to select persons. This seemed new and quite exciting as does everything that I do in my new car. One thing that felt really new was spinning donuts in it, this felt new because I have never had a car that would spin a donut on anything other than snow. It was a scene straight out of Motor Trend magazine and it, my friend, was glorious. There is nothing like the smell of fresh burnt rubber after a fresh burnout, it’s so good I am thinking about bottling it as a new scent for men!

Driving this car has made everything new and exciting, even stop lights are fun, no… I don’t know why. Putting gas in it is also exciting, it does require premium as did my benz but this just feels more right. Maybe it goes back to the donuts, or the fact that if I was in a life threatening position I could depend on my car to move me very quickly. Yeah, the last one sounds much better!

Do you have a car that excites you? One that you will gladly drive till the doors fall off? If not, I recommend you find one and then pay cash for it. This will give you a lot of satisfaction, especially if it can spin a mean donut!

You know what I’m talking about? You are driving along the way, having a nice day, the traffic is really tight and someone in the lane next to you puts on their blinker and wants to get over into your lane. You, being the gentleman that you are (or gentlylady), make room for the person to safely merge into your lane. If all goes as it should, you then receive a wave of the hand from the other driver that says, “thank you for letting me over, I appreciate you”.

Since moving from Ohio to Tennessee I noticed several things that were notably different about the cultures. Yes, I noticed things that were notably different. Allow me to mention a couple.

First, people in Tennessee are notably nicer than people in the north. I make my comparisons mostly from experiences in Ohio, but also plenty in Chicago and New York City. People in the south are just nice, chalk it up to southern charm or whatever, but also… they are horrible drivers.

Is there some connection here? Being nice and being a terrible driver? Or being not as nice and being a better driver? WtdaTerry is a great driver and he is nice… fairly nice anyway.

Also, since moving to Tennessee I never get the wave of the hand that says, “thank you for letting me over, I appreciate you”. Therefore it has made me that much more zealous to give the wave… you know, to set a good example. If people are so much nicer in the south, and they are, then why don’t they give the wave. It just doesn’t make sense. It is like “Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn’t make sense.. am I wrong?”

So, as it happens, I was traveling up to Ohio for the recent Christmas festivities with family and such… and I kid you not, no sooner had I crossed state lines, there was some poor soul needing to get over into my lane. As we drove in sight of the comely skyline of the Queen City, I made room for my fellow driver to get in front of me. A freindly wave and acknowledgement was made. I smiled. How nice.

The south needs to learn to wave while driving. Always give the wave while driving. When in doubt give the wave.

Now, just another quick note, the wave is a full handed wave… there are no individual fingers, you know, standing out in the wave. It is completely good-hearted.

Come on, be the change you want to see in the world!

Getting on the highway really isn’t that hard, but alas, some people really do make it that way, hard. I think it’s fun to watch people enter, especially the ones who are mad. They are not mad for any certain reason they just ooze anger. How do I know? Because they are usually yelling at their windsheild, or giving their steering wheel a severe tongue lashing. This lashing happens before they even get into merge position. Laughable I tell ya, laughable!!

So you want to know the untold secrets? The unsaid rules of the road as it pertains to merging? Well, let me tell you what merging doesn’t involve.

Merging doesn’t involve:

-Brake lights
-No signal drifting
-Horn honking
-Low speeds
-Yelling
-Middle fingers
-Cursing anyone’s mother

You can just about tell what to do when merging by reading the don’ts. I know you like it when I point out the obvious so I will tell you the untold secrets of merging. The unsaid rules of the road!

When merging please remember:

-The accelorator is on the right
-There is no room for brake lights
-Screaming at the car next to you will not make up for your short comings, no matter how loud you get and how much you move your hands.
-Use your signal
-Use the whole length of the ramp

That’s it! I know it’s simple really! Just commit to following these rules. You do that and you will not go wrong! Rmemeber that the entrance ramp is your runway, hit the gas! Use these untold secrets of merging, the unsaid rules of the road with respect… and wisely.

With that out of the way, I love to clean my car as it’s a bit of a hobby of mine. I wash it once a week and run the vacuum at least once a week. Every other week I will do a full detail and once every other month i will wax it. I like to keep “her” looking “her” best. Why “her” you ask, well let me tell you. My car is beautiful, high maintenance, is cranky when it’s cold, and costs a lot of money. Hence the “her”.

Cleaning the car is one thing that I don’t compromise on. I keep it clean even in the winter, it’s the right thing to do. Besides, who wants to ride in a dirty smelly p.o.s.? Your right, if you said nobody, if you said some people then you need to go clean your car.

Start with a good scrub down. Do it by hand and not at the car wash. Some of those brushes will scratch the paint. Second, you will want to towel dry it in the shade so you don’t have water spots. Third, clean the interior with some type of topical, not tropical, but topical hydrator like armor all. Now you are ready for the windows!! When cleaning the windows you will want to use a squeegee and a towel for the hard to reach places. Now go back and do the outside windows, followed by the floors vacuumed, and then the tire dressing.

Finally you can take the tire dressing and put it on a rag and go under the hood and give everything a once over especially the black or plastic stuff. After this you are done so long as you remember to wash your hands before closing any doors or the hood.

Now take a moment and breathe it in… done? Good, now put it in the garage.

So apparently it is illegal to have an out of state drivers license if you have a current address in the new state. So I was breaking the law! Plus, I had expired tags and you can’t change your tags without a valid Tennessee driver’s license. Hopefully you can start to get an idea why I was frustrated right off the bat.

So I set out early in the morning around 6:45 am… thinking that the place opened at 7:00 am. This information turned out to be wrong and I waited for an hour just to get in 8:00 am. Once I was in, I found out that this particular location did not do what I needed done. I was going to have to go for a 30-minute drive south to the full service location to get my license changed over.

I would like to stop here a second to say that we don’t need an express lane for anything to do with government services. It sounds like it would be a good idea… but the government can screw up anything… even an express service, we should all know this by now.

So I am at the full service location… in line just to get a number in order to sit down and be waited upon. I finally get to the front of the line and talk to the lady at the desk. She is there to basically make sure that everybody has the right information to do what he or she needs to do. This is where I find out that I don’t! Clearly you can’t prove you are a citizen of the U.S. with a social security card, and then not even with a still valid Ohio driver’s license. URG!!!

So I have to go all the way home and find my passport that I haven’t used since my honeymoon… or my birth certificate, which is most likely, buried in the boxes that are still packed.

No problem, I go home and find it pretty fast thankfully, at this time it is about 9:30am. This is where I thought “well maybe this will change everything and my luck will be better”. I was wrong. I left, taking with me some lunch and some things I needed for a meeting at 1:00pm, thinking I will have time in between to have a lunch. I was wrong again.

I find a location (full service) close to where my meeting is and present my information and get my number rather fast. I then sit in the back next to a very old Chinese fellah and his young daughter. No problem, I will be out of here in an hour. Damn my optimism! One hour goes by and I am still sitting there but my number was next and things where getting better. Wrong! They skip me and before I can say anything an announcement goes across the P.A.

“Please do not send anything to the camera for processing it is down.” Next, the guy tells us to bear with him while he restarts the computer to get the camera up. This pushes me back another 45 minutes.

It is now 11:15 am and the camera is up and working and they call another number that is well past mine. I go and ask if there was a reason that I was skipped and the lady says, “no, you should have been listening” I wanted to kill her and her southern drawl! I didn’t, but I wanted too. She politely hands me another number. Another number seriously! I have been here for 2 hours!! I should have next priority, but no I get to go back to my seat, which is now next to a very smelly old dude that snores really loud but manages to hear his number and get ahead of me.

12:15 pm rolls around and I hear my number and I am so happy I want to scream! I don’t. I get in and out in 15 minutes and have a very angry license picture to prove how crappy the day was.

To top it all off, I had to go get my actual plates later in the day because I had no time because of my meeting. I will save you the pain of hearing the other half of this story, I will just tell you that the plate took me 2 days.

I hate when the government thinks they can handle everything, when that can’t agree on anything. But we will come together on an agency to run your life and it will be awesome! It never is! NEVER! Minimal government, minimal problems! That’s my motto.

Good. Now we are on the same page (no pun intended). Normally you will find me cracking jokes and being silly, but when it comes to respecting the ride, I am all business. While I am at it, I will also address how you can have car tag and respect for a man’s vehicle at the same time.

I have caught some flak for when I say you should cr√®me your friend‚Äôs car with your beater and then I write about the loyalty and respect for one’s car. I will explain. First, men have aggression and this need not be explained. It’s just there. Like women have emotions and feel the need to cry while they are eating their cheerios in the morning. Dudes need to hit something, anything. This restores balance and structure into his life. So back off all you haters, mainly girls, about me playing car tag. I don‚Äôt understand why you cry… so forget about understanding why I like hitting things with a large sedan!

On to the code. You need to read this and post it in the car, especially for the newbie’s that don’t know any better. We continue now where we left off previously:

10) Remember well the glass rule. This goes for butt cheeks as well. NO TOUCHIING! This includes the headlight glass as well. If it’s clear… it’s in your best interest to keep it that way.

11) Never, and I mean never, tell a dude that he is driving too aggressively. It is a right of passage. I don’t tell you how to put on your pants so keep away from any urges that make you want to tell me to slow down.

12) If you have the shotgun position in the car it is your sole responsibility to check the locks and if you are in a 2-door car, put the seat back to its full upright position.

13) No smoking ever, no matter how much you paid for the cigarette. Please revert back to the glass rule, you mess it up, you clean it up, and no streaks.

14) Finally, if you have kids or a girlfriend that do not know the code and they are near your friend’s car, you better be briefing them immediately. That is, if you don’t want to start a never-ending war. I would also like to add that this would make it “open season” on your kids or girlfriend if she so much as even touches the radio.

No exceptions, no time, no matter what! Look out for the laminated versions of this car code it will be available for purchase.

There are several types of parkers out there so let’s run through the list. (And yes there is a list)

First, you have the careful parker. The one who parks as far away from people as possible. To prevent the door dings and the occasional parking lot scuffle.

Second, you have the fellow who parks right beside the careful parker. We will call him the derelict because he either does it to be annoying (mission accomplished) or because he likes the exercise. Either way, if you are out there quit it!!

Next, there are the big horns. No, not cows, but I am sure you could get a couple of cows in their vehicles. These fellahs get in the tightest places with no regard for the others around them. Usually their rear ends stick out a good foot from the rest of the cars. Then there is the huge trailer hitch on the back. Here is a clue! Ride a horse it would be better for all of us.


Last but not least, you have the paint magnet parkers! These are the most annoying, well, maybe the second most annoying. They usually drive average cars but they park on the line, just over it, or across it diagonally. Really, it’s not that hard to slide it right in between the lines. Think of it as coloring in the lines, well maybe that is what led to this. Never mind. Just get it right; it is a true show of how lazy some people are.

Now that I am done venting I can rest at ease, that is of course if you guys will park away from the car on the end. If the car looks like it costs more than your home then stay way, way, away from it. You can’t afford the wax for those cars and even if you could it’s called respect. I know this is coming from the writer of the beater car article but I have boundaries just like any other person. I mean, unless it is a beater give it a little bit of respect.