With that out of the way, I love to clean my car as it’s a bit of a hobby of mine. I wash it once a week and run the vacuum at least once a week. Every other week I will do a full detail and once every other month i will wax it. I like to keep “her” looking “her” best. Why “her” you ask, well let me tell you. My car is beautiful, high maintenance, is cranky when it’s cold, and costs a lot of money. Hence the “her”.

Cleaning the car is one thing that I don’t compromise on. I keep it clean even in the winter, it’s the right thing to do. Besides, who wants to ride in a dirty smelly p.o.s.? Your right, if you said nobody, if you said some people then you need to go clean your car.

Start with a good scrub down. Do it by hand and not at the car wash. Some of those brushes will scratch the paint. Second, you will want to towel dry it in the shade so you don’t have water spots. Third, clean the interior with some type of topical, not tropical, but topical hydrator like armor all. Now you are ready for the windows!! When cleaning the windows you will want to use a squeegee and a towel for the hard to reach places. Now go back and do the outside windows, followed by the floors vacuumed, and then the tire dressing.

Finally you can take the tire dressing and put it on a rag and go under the hood and give everything a once over especially the black or plastic stuff. After this you are done so long as you remember to wash your hands before closing any doors or the hood.

Now take a moment and breathe it in… done? Good, now put it in the garage.

Good. Now we are on the same page (no pun intended). Normally you will find me cracking jokes and being silly, but when it comes to respecting the ride, I am all business. While I am at it, I will also address how you can have car tag and respect for a man’s vehicle at the same time.

I have caught some flak for when I say you should cr√®me your friend‚Äôs car with your beater and then I write about the loyalty and respect for one’s car. I will explain. First, men have aggression and this need not be explained. It’s just there. Like women have emotions and feel the need to cry while they are eating their cheerios in the morning. Dudes need to hit something, anything. This restores balance and structure into his life. So back off all you haters, mainly girls, about me playing car tag. I don‚Äôt understand why you cry… so forget about understanding why I like hitting things with a large sedan!

On to the code. You need to read this and post it in the car, especially for the newbie’s that don’t know any better. We continue now where we left off previously:

10) Remember well the glass rule. This goes for butt cheeks as well. NO TOUCHIING! This includes the headlight glass as well. If it’s clear… it’s in your best interest to keep it that way.

11) Never, and I mean never, tell a dude that he is driving too aggressively. It is a right of passage. I don’t tell you how to put on your pants so keep away from any urges that make you want to tell me to slow down.

12) If you have the shotgun position in the car it is your sole responsibility to check the locks and if you are in a 2-door car, put the seat back to its full upright position.

13) No smoking ever, no matter how much you paid for the cigarette. Please revert back to the glass rule, you mess it up, you clean it up, and no streaks.

14) Finally, if you have kids or a girlfriend that do not know the code and they are near your friend’s car, you better be briefing them immediately. That is, if you don’t want to start a never-ending war. I would also like to add that this would make it “open season” on your kids or girlfriend if she so much as even touches the radio.

No exceptions, no time, no matter what! Look out for the laminated versions of this car code it will be available for purchase.

The rules are very important if you would like to move up to shot–gun status in your group of pals, or remain in the car or even alive for that matter. The rules are very easy, so take careful notes. I will advise you that by not following these rules you will be subjected to some of the worse pranks, stunts and probably some mindless shots to the groin.

1 ) When riding in the car NEVER touch the glass, no glass anywhere, not even the flip down mirror in the visor. By no means should you ever touch the windshield or the back window. If you are any kind of man (and I employ you to double check your pants) you understand the painstaking hours that go into cleaning the back and front window… the streaks, bug guts, and dust. It’s enough to drive a man mad, and now I have to wipe off your smudge marks from your hands, or your lips (when trying to pick up the chick in the car next to us) or your greasy forehead after a night of alcohol hedonism.

2 ) Next, lay off the leg crossing and the removing of your shoes. There are two problems here…one you never take off your shoes no matter how uncomfortable you find yourself. Its never cool to stink up the car for comforts sake, this also goes for the umm, how do I say it? Farting is off limits, especially if the car is newer then three years. Now that that is out of the way, no crossing your legs in my car, seriously, there is no reason for it. There is also no reason for your freaking scuff marks on my dash, that will get you beat with your own shoe.

3 ) There will be no eating… this includes snacking

4 ) No peeing in the vehicle (even if it is in a bottle)

5 ) No changing in the car (especially if it means your nakedness touching my seats)

6 ) Definitely no scratching or picking ones nose.

7 ) No making out with some chick that “seems nice” when she doesn’t smell nice!

8 ) You can forget about leaning, sitting, or lying on my car, this goes for everything from watching the 4th of July fireworks to escaping hot lava coming from a volcano.

9 ) Always ask permission before altering any controls on the dash. Nothing is more annoying than someone screwing with your perfect climate control settings and the cd track without asking.

In closing, keep the code and watch your back when denying these rules. Also, watch out for more amendments to the code in future articles.

Check out part two of the car code!

*this article was featured on September 6, 2007