Seeing how this is my first year giving gifts to my wife, the first gift I got her was when we were still dating. There really hasn’t been a gift under the tree for her to open, that’s been from me, in like 10 years. Now before you get angry at me and call me all sorts of names, just know that we did this because we wanted to spend money after Christmas on each other. All that aside, that’s a long time to remember how to gift give all over again. I have had to relearn a number of things: picking up signals for gift giving, being sneaky about gift giving, wrapping said gifts for gift giving, and then there’s the whole buy stuff for my kids gift giving that I haven’t practiced with them ever.

There’s been no shortage of gifts on Christmas day, thanks to my parents and in-laws who are both very thoughtful and full of the Christmas spirit. They are so good at over-doing the gifts, we haven’t really missed out on the joys of the season for the boys. It’s actually a headache sometimes trying to figure out how we are going to cram all the stuff into the car to drive 5 hours from Ohio to Tennessee. I digress.

Now that you have the background, let me tell you that this year was a lot of fun when it comes to… gift giving. I had set aside money for the wife and was also really blessed by some amazing clients that saw fit to hook me up with some Christmas cash (completely unexpected and amazing).

So, I set out to make it look like I had bought the whole store, but for the life of me I don’t know why. I wasn’t trying to make my wife feel guilty, just loved. As I bought things, yes even things that could have, and maybe should have, been put in the same box, I made sure that they were wrapped separately for maximum effect. For some strange reason this has made me really proud, like I have been telling people that “I have killed Christmas, if it wasn’t a competition it is now”. That’s probably not good… I like to compete, even when it’s not called for or there really is no competition. I have nothing to prove, I think.

Aside from getting to fully participate in the gift giving experience it’s really hard to stop once you have started buying things. I can honestly understand how people get in debt doing this. I won’t do that, it’s taken too long to get out of debt to go back now. So let me give the guidelines to healthy gift giving.

1. Actually have the money. This is why we haven’t been fully involved in the gift giving process till this year.

2. Make a list. Check it twice.

3. Practice gift wrapping. Or have your wife wrap her gifts for you.

4. Get the kids working for you. I can have my boys do a “ride along” and find out what mommy is getting for daddy. This is just fun, proceed with caution.

5. Spend time being thoughtful. You don’t have to wow anyone, just read them, 2 coffee mugs and a pound of coffee was the best gift so far for me. (Thanks Ashley)

6. Enjoy it. This whole thing is about the JOY. If you can’t find joy in gift giving or family than you need to do some push-ups. There is way too much to be thankful for.

Happy gift giving, remember the Gift that was the greatest Gift ever given.

(names will remain anonymous)

1.) “What did the bi-polar bookworm say?’ – (I am one hot worm, yes I am! Damn it’s cold out!)
2.) “What to do, what to do.” – (About.)
3.) “citizen cope’s “bullet and a target” is so SICK. SICK SICK SICK!!!! it makes me want to DOMINATE!!!” – (That’s my name, don’t wear it out!)
4.) “back in the saddle again” – (Well I’m back on the saddle again, I hope I’m not sitting on you.)
5.) “Beets make it fun to go to the bathroom” – (Beets can help take the browns to the super bowl by going through the red sea.)
6.) “Look to the cookie Elaine, look to the cookie”

7.) “Let the wild rumpus begin!” – (What’s a rumpus? My goal is to use that word at some point in normal discussion this week. “Hey people, what’s all the rumpus about??”)
8.) “Help us fund our new record!” – (I helped this band fund their record and so should you, click here!)
9.) “Being pushy might just get you pushed.” – (Don’t push me, push a push pop!)

10.) “Today is lame facebook status day.” – (Couldn’t agree more, because I had to post this to round out my Top 10.)

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(names will remain anonymous)

1.) “I am going to drop a flying elbow on this day.”
2.) “COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE” – (buzz buzz buzz. And one of the best ice cream flavors ever made might be Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz Buzz.)
3.) “Dear Cheaptickets.com why does your website say you over charged me by $1500 ?? Just curious.” – (“Maybe they combined your Hannah Montana and Disney Princess on Ice tickets together?” – some other person on Facebook)
4.) “Thankful, thankful, thankful. …and happy. and thankful.” – (You would think you would be more happy being so thankful and all.)
5.) “christmas music makes me jolly” – (As long as it doesn’t make you a green giant as well.)
6.) “oh hamburgers!” – (oh peaches!)
7.) “Today I spilled Cheerios all over the kitchen floor. I called my dog into the room to help me clean them up. We got away with it.” – (dude, I do that all time, sometimes I add milk too.)
8.) “Come on Denver.” – (The Broncos were playing the Squealers at the moment of this status post.)
9.) “i’ve got some openings today, five dollars off, come in.” – (Some services shouldn’t be offered on Facebook.)
10.) There is no #10 because the article is titled “What To Do About TODAY‚ÄôS TOP 9 FACEBOOK STATUSES 11/09/09″.

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Todays best Facebook statuses currently being used by my friends (on Facebook that is) are listed below.

(names will remain anonymous)

1.) “7 mile run through a farm village in Italy this morning. Life is good. ” – (Sounds great minus the 7 mile run and morning parts.)
2.) “Dear Bears, Do you have any other players you want to cut or trade, please call Mike Brown directly. We LOVE pro-bowl running backs but could use a tight end. Your BFF’s, Cincy” – (This was my status earlier in the day, my name is Nathan Mallon.)
3.) “never smart to put a pic of Miss Piggy on your wifes facebook page…even when she has swine flu”
4.) “is gonna raise the bridge, file down the nut, and take the buzz out the low E…” – (Sounds painful!)
5.) “Our greatest fear as individuals should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter…….”
6.) “It’s my beautiful wife @laurencapozzi’s birthday today. I still can’t believe she’s almost 40!” – (The last 10 years have really flown by.)
7.) “wide awake….i guess that’s good. ” – (I’m kind of narrow awake.)
8.) “Sitting in the sun. Hmmm, lovely.” – (You’re still alive?)
9.) “is Edward Band-aid Hands… So says her husband.” – (That’s why you guys are always holding hands.)
10.) “I’m in Ohio. Yay me! And there’s something comforting in it being as boring and retarded as ever. Annoying…but comforting.”

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I mean whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys, bad boys (or girls), whatcha gonna do when they come for you? I’d really like to know because on the show COPS they never really answer that question.

Todays best Facebook statuses currently being used by my friends (on Facebook that is) are listed below.

(names will remain anonymous)

1.) “Failure is a better teacher than success…” – (What if I fail at failing? In that case I would learn more from success.)
2.) “is going to the bakery to pinch a loaf.” – (Have you not heard about their new “you pinch it, you eat it” policy?)
3.) “Does anyone know where my sister can board her horse in the Nashville area? I’m at a loss. Thank you.” – (Maybe at the Wildhorse Saloon? It can have a few drinks while it’s there.)
4.) “Hi. I really like chocolate chip muffins.” – (Welp, see ya later.)
5.) “Yankees win. See u soon twinkies.”
6.) “Just had one of my sweetest girlfriends over for dinner!” – (Who are these sick people? Cannibalism is wrong!)
7.) “Get.Me.Out.Of.Here. (periods used for emphasis)” – (Where!Do!You!Want!To!Go!? (exclamation points used for strong emotion and the one question mark cuz I’m asking.))
8.) “is chicken pickin’ over a train beat.” – (Either your band is playing a show at KFC or Colonel Sanders is your new drummer?)
9.) “I just ate 6 mini candy bars in a row. Damn you Musketeers… all 3 of you!!!”
10.) “Wonders how long it would take for the cops to be called if I wanted to practice some hatchet throwing in my parking lot?” – (Depends on your aim.)

So that’s all for today, don’t go out and practice hatchet throwing, because then the cops may come for you.

“Nobody naw give you no break
Police naw give you no break
Soldier naw give you no break
Not even you idren naw give you no break”

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The problem stems from wanting to tell jokes or picking up on something funny and wanting so bad to tell it first that I would say it too fast. This would only result in people laughing at me and not my jokes.

Talking too fast would make me self-conscious till about 1989 when micro machines came out. You remember micro machines don’t you? They were little cars that were really cool. Their spokesman was a fast talking fellah with a bald head. This made me proud to be a fast talker. I soon thought, “well at least I am not a close talker” or a “hand talker”, or a “round and round talker”. Not familiar with the last one? Well the “round and round talker” is one who talks about one thing one way and before you know it they are back to the same subject another way like they never left it.

This problem happens with topic talkers as well, they go from topic to topic like a bad news cast. So you see… I wasn’t any of these, and well, that was something… maybe not a lot of things, but something.

Now a days I find myself talking fast after a stiff cup of coffee. But I don’t mind it so much until that is I can’t remember words or names because I am talking too fast. The key to this problem is to remember to pace oneself. Life is not a race it is a freaking marathon.

So mind your p’s and q’s or you will be fighting for words when you should be fighting for a cup of coffee but you forgot how to say “latte”.

(names will remain anonymous)

1.) “Today I strolled into a Banana Republic store and King Kong was playing on an overhead TV. I was tempted to monkey around.” – (I wanna be a man, mancub, And stroll right into town, And be just like the other men, I’m tired of monkeyin’ around!)
2.) “i’m taking some time off from the internet, for the next two days, so, sorry if anyone tries to get a hold of me here…” – (I took about 10 hours from the internet today.)
3.) “Perfect example as to why not to send an “F no” text to your boss. Audrey just sent it accidentally to 18 people.” – (Thanks for the reminder.)
4.) “Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view…..”
5.) “met a new friend in the library from Nigeria and talked for two hours rather than doing homework. This is why I don’t get anything done.” – (I wish I could go to a library from Nigeria.)
6.) “Having the couple that I will be marrying this weekend over for dinner tonight. Looking forward to the wedding. They are both great.” – (That’s messed up!)
7.) “working on my juggling and magic. there will be no treats for halloween kids this year. only tricks.”
8.) “BTW, ate some giant “rat” in Colombia. It tasted like spear ribs. Just found out that it’s on the endangered list. Wow.” – (Rodents of unusual size, I don’t think they exist. Apparently they do!)
9.) “Somebody teach me Italian real quick.” – (I’d like to learn as well, if someone wants to teach Italian you will at least have two students here in Nashville.)
10.) “would like someone to come over and make her dinner. ” – (Why would you want someone to eat you?!)

Alright, peace out my brothers and sisters! “And when I say brother, I don’t mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.”

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(names will remain anonymous)

1.) “Any seniors need senior portraits?” – (I’ll ask my grandma and get back to you.)
2.) “I believe in the near future people will be hired as “researchers” to sift through our entire online history & file it. Down to the last LOL” – (I wonder who will have the last laugh, out loud that is.)
3.) “hanging in Virginia Beach…. looks like rain. boo!” – (Did they catch the guy who did it?)
4.) “My first ever tie in fantasy football.” – (Yes, I over dressed.)
5.) “waiting for husband…ready for a yummy dinner!!” – (You’re gonna eat your husband?!?!?!)
6.) “I think women should bring back the shoulder pads. I mean, come on! What says I am sexy, yet powerful, better than shoulder pads?” – (That would probably just get me excited for football season faster.)
7.) “Ok, so I get up from the computer chair for one minute, and come back to find a big pile of poop on the chair. Guess who didn’t use the potty again?” – (You couldn’t feel that? weird.)
8.) “needs to change his socks! eeeeew.” – (swampfoot?)
9.) “your donuts make me go nuts!” – (At least you are not a squirrel that is trying to find a nut.)
10.) ” why’s everyone so excited about fall? I mean I love it too but I was hoping not to have to see it til like, November. Why are we greeting it? why are we sending it shout outs?”

Alright, peace out! (I was not saying “peace out” to summer but rather to you, the reader.)

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I was really sweaty and needed to get my top layer off, so I stripped down to my spandex. I then sat down at the computer to check my email when the wife asks me about lunch to which I reply “yes please”.

I return to my work when my wife says “oh yeah, Shelby is coming”. Well, I thought I had at least 5 minutes, but no! She opened the door and came in much to my surprise. She came into the office where I was working to eat her pizza and drink her kombucha. I thought I should put on some pants but then thought about how uncomfortable and funny it would be to whip around and stare at Shelby till she noticed me.

When she did she was struck by the pure awesomeness of a full grown man In a tight pair of spandex. As a matter of fact she was in awe for about 30 seconds. How did I know? I knew because she couldn’t stop laughing or make eye contact with me the rest of her lunch.

This fueled my fire as I was proud to make Shelby uncomfortable whenever I have a chance. This was no different. I am pretty sure there was one time that she was talking and I snuck up beside her and rubbed my spandex bootie all over her arm. Pure hiliarium!

If you are thinking about making a girl feel really weird, try to carry on a conversation with her while in a pair of spandex shorts and watch her avoid eye contact at all costs.

(names will remain anonymous)

1.) “just passed my 8th dead armadillo” – (Sounds painful!)
2.) “so i’ve been going to bed for the past 4 nights now hoping that i would wake up without crap in the back of my throat and a somewhat runny nose but no luck.” – (Eeeeeeew! How does crap even get into your mouth to begin with?!?!)
3.) “I need a wine bottle cork. Can somebody hook me up?” – (That depends, what ya gonna use it for?)
4.) “might grow a huge beard.” – (Do it, but only on your face.)
5.) “Child Please!”
6.) “This girl just got up from her computer and asked me: “how do I get to the games?” wow. I would’ve believed it if you said you couldn’t read before I believed you did not know how to navigate the internet.” – (I would have told her the games are inside the computer…along with all the files.)
7.) “Trying to place this feeling.” – (I thought you did a pretty good job typing it right by your name.)
8.) “some kid called me a ‘homo’ today.”
9.) “Msg on my dove chocolate: Keep moving forward; don’t look back.” – (Do that, cuz then I’m gonna sneak up behind you and steal all your chocolate.)
10.) “I wear sunglasses in studio to intimidate the microphone.” – (Ah, that’s why all of your albums turn out to be instrumentals.)

Time to ‘kiss da baby’!

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