Well, you aren’t really going by yourself, right? I mean, you’re going with friends. It’s not like you’re going by yourself to be abducted by a drug lord. You just happen to be the only person who isn’t traveling with their husband or boyfriend. Plus, 7 (3 couples plus your little sad self) is a lucky number so you’re just certain that this vacation will go off without a hitch. That would be a welcome piece of luck since every other vacation you’ve ever taken has had a fair amount of drama. Remember?

You missed a flight in New York and had to run across 4 lanes of a busy interstate with your luggage. In Japan your Japanese was crap and you couldn’t buy anything because you weren’t a size XXS. In Ohio there was poop on the wall of your hotel room and you ate a bug in a salad. In Illinois you shoveled horse stalls and inhaled a bucket of sawdust. So…Mexico has got to be better than all of this. What could possibly go wrong?

Day 1: As you are dropped off at your resort in Cabo, Mexico, you leave your purse and sunglasses on the seat of the taxi. After a few frantic phone calls and 3 hours later, the taxi driver brings it back to the hotel but demands you give him a large tip. Fine. At least you got your crap back.

Day 3: Get depressed because you’re single. On vacation. In Mexico. You have this huge room all to yourself and only cheap pillows to cuddle with. Even if you had no morals, there are no attractive single people at this resort to seduce…only young married couples and their kids. Cry for a bit, drink a coke, take a nap, and get over it.

Day 5: While walking the boardwalk after the gorgeous sunset cruise, follow behind your friends. They’re walking in pairs and there isn’t room for you to walk shoulder to shoulder with them. Enjoy the views of the marina and whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with the Mexican kids who swarm tourists. They can smell fear.

You’re almost around the corner when you’re flanked on either side by the wee wolves…the boy, about 5 is on your left, his sister, maybe 7, is on your right. Ignore their chirps to “buy my chicklet.” You don’t want any bracelets or candy. Keep walking. They sense you’re a hard sell, so they start punching you, first the little boy, then his sister. Now you’re walking through the marina getting punched on both sides by giggling Mexican kids and there’s nothing you can do. Finally get rescued by one of your friends. Wish you had a supersoaker watergun. Wish you had yelled at them and frightened them. Wish you had yanked them up and spanked them in public. Then think about how a Mexican prison would look like. Decide it’s best that you didn’t yank them up and spank them. Brats. Hope that the bruising to your arms (and ego) is minimal.

Last Day: Apart from the few crazy events that have happened, it’s been a nice trip and you’re relaxed and ready to head home. Your flight is at 7:30 so you have to check out of the hotel at 5:30. At 5:20 you are downstairs and no one is at the front desk. Ring the bell. Nothing. Debate whether you should just leave. Pace around. Find security. They call for the front desk guy who was sleeping on the job in the back room. Check out and have them call a taxi. When the taxi driver arrives, tell him you need to go to the airport. He doesn’t speak English.

Within 5 minutes you know you’re in trouble. The roads don’t look familiar…in fact, they’re dirt roads and he’s taking you through a village with shacks, dogs, and a few burned-out cars lining the streets. Prepare to die. 15 long minutes later he drops you off at the wrong airport and charges you 45 US dollars. That was all you had left. Find the one guy in the wrong airport who speaks English and explain what has happened and that you have no more money. He calls a taxi driver from the other airport to come get you.

Of course, that driver doesn’t speak English either. Situations explained, the new driver packs your luggage into his trunk and drives to a bank. As you walk up the stairs to the ATM hope he doesn’t drive off with your luggage. As you’re deep in thought, trip up the stairs, stub your toe, break your toenail in half, curse, and hobble the rest of the way to the ATM.

Money is exchanged and you’re now on the way to the right airport. You get there 15 minutes before your flight leaves and you still have to go through customs. The men at the front desk yell at you for being late. Then the customs guy takes his precious time looking over your paperwork. Board your flight with a few minutes to go. Hope your luggage makes it. As you sit in your seat, your toe starts throbbing. You probably broke it. But you made the flight.

As you touchdown in Nashville, vow to never take another vacation by yourself.

Sure it sounds cool, and it has its moments of danger and excitement, but in the end it leaves you strung out with no friends and living a life of constant compromise.

You spend weeks, months, and years studying your target, and most likely your target has been studying you as well. Finally the time arrives when you will come into close proximity, which of course can be extremely dangerous, but also invaluable for gaining invaluable intel.

Once you are in close proximity with the target, you must keep all your wits about you. You must remain vigilant and observant so that no signs are left unnoticed or unheeded. Due to the intense study of the individual, targets of opposite gender often fall in love. Then, when they are no longer in close proximity, the relationship is faced with the brutality of the occupation torn in pieces by the maddening love affair which is made worse by the distance that separates the fated lovers.

How would I know, you ask? I have been there. They say hindsight is 20/20, I wish it were 20/200, that way the past would be blurry. Alas, take my advice, leave the life of espionage, marry the girl/guy and if you must, move to a remote island where no one will find you.

I feel like I should have a cape and a scroll with wise proverbs and instructions from the good people of the north… hmm… maybe a nice velvet robe too… I don’t know, maybe not. Or, should I have a club (blunt object) for each piece of advice I share? One that says, “plow your streets, then apply salt”, number 2 would say, “don’t sled on the street, especially when there are brick mailboxes around you”, 3 would say, “never use a shovel to clear snow off your lexus, or any other car for that matter”.

I just want to provide some basic tricks of the trade, from the good people that brought you deep dish pizza, sky line chili, and car manufacturing. How to survive the snow would be what I would call it… NO, Wait! Surviving snow for dummies! is even better.

We recently received about 5-6 inches of snow, depending on who you ask. This snow, or Armageddon as it’s known here, came on us after two failed attempts at getting the weather prediction right in the first place. Once they had finally figured out if the snow was coming (2 hours before the first flake) ALL the schools were closed and most businesses decide to close early. As if this weren’t enough, the impending snow came and fell as finally forecasted, the rest of the city “clocked out” as it were.

This is where the rest of the madness started, you know? People slipping and sliding like they had never driven on snow before…Oh yeah they haven’t! I heard about maybe 50 sledding accidents, numerous (too many to count) car accidents, two of the 13 snow plow/salt trucks tipped over and let’s not forget the dude I saw clearing his Lexus off with a metal scoop shovel… FAIL!

I know you southerners are all laid back and stuff, but really? It takes just a little common sense when navigating a sled. If you are speeding toward a large blunt object, lean to the left or bail out altogether. If you have too much snow on your car and cannot see out of the windshield and you don’t have an ice scrapper, please use a broom, NOT a shovel! Please drop your snow blade on the ground if you drive a snow plow, that IS why they call it a snow plow. You will then find the very bottom layer of ice and then you can apply the melting agent. Secondly, if you are driving a snow plow, please feel free to check up on said area after dark and take care of the problem areas.

Just a little friendly advice from up north, you know? The people that get more than one snow a year…..You’re welcome!

You know what I’m talking about? You are driving along the way, having a nice day, the traffic is really tight and someone in the lane next to you puts on their blinker and wants to get over into your lane. You, being the gentleman that you are (or gentlylady), make room for the person to safely merge into your lane. If all goes as it should, you then receive a wave of the hand from the other driver that says, “thank you for letting me over, I appreciate you”.

Since moving from Ohio to Tennessee I noticed several things that were notably different about the cultures. Yes, I noticed things that were notably different. Allow me to mention a couple.

First, people in Tennessee are notably nicer than people in the north. I make my comparisons mostly from experiences in Ohio, but also plenty in Chicago and New York City. People in the south are just nice, chalk it up to southern charm or whatever, but also… they are horrible drivers.

Is there some connection here? Being nice and being a terrible driver? Or being not as nice and being a better driver? WtdaTerry is a great driver and he is nice… fairly nice anyway.

Also, since moving to Tennessee I never get the wave of the hand that says, “thank you for letting me over, I appreciate you”. Therefore it has made me that much more zealous to give the wave… you know, to set a good example. If people are so much nicer in the south, and they are, then why don’t they give the wave. It just doesn’t make sense. It is like “Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn’t make sense.. am I wrong?”

So, as it happens, I was traveling up to Ohio for the recent Christmas festivities with family and such… and I kid you not, no sooner had I crossed state lines, there was some poor soul needing to get over into my lane. As we drove in sight of the comely skyline of the Queen City, I made room for my fellow driver to get in front of me. A freindly wave and acknowledgement was made. I smiled. How nice.

The south needs to learn to wave while driving. Always give the wave while driving. When in doubt give the wave.

Now, just another quick note, the wave is a full handed wave… there are no individual fingers, you know, standing out in the wave. It is completely good-hearted.

Come on, be the change you want to see in the world!

Yeah, I hear you! Some girls know which way is North but they were told by men. North is important, but leadership is a must. If he is a good man he will head North, kill his own meat, start a fire (climate control) and then grill the meat.

Climate control is not necessarily a manicle but it comes close. You see, we as men should posses common sense for ourselves and for the women we love. So when she tried to shut the heat off in the car after only moving down the road about 3 miles, you can tell her that she is not qualified to make that decision. Turning the heat completely off is not an option. You can ask to turn it down, but you must not touch a mans knobs. At least not while he is driving anyway.

Fellahs, the proper way to heat a vehicle for a road trip to anywhere, is to turn the fan dial to #2 and the heat needs to start at the hottest setting. Once desired tempurature is reached you can tap the heat down to the 3/4 mark. If it is still too hot then you may move the setting to the midway mark. This should suffice so long as there isn’t any women in the car that want it off.

Women are either really cold or really hot, never comfortable. It can be annoying as far as climate control goes. If you are just dating you must ask her for her opinion and allow a little bit of room for her to touch the heater. After about 6 months of dating she should know what the deal is when riding in the car. If she is not married to you in a year then you are in luck! There is still time to get out… Just kidding!!!

Getting on the highway really isn’t that hard, but alas, some people really do make it that way, hard. I think it’s fun to watch people enter, especially the ones who are mad. They are not mad for any certain reason they just ooze anger. How do I know? Because they are usually yelling at their windsheild, or giving their steering wheel a severe tongue lashing. This lashing happens before they even get into merge position. Laughable I tell ya, laughable!!

So you want to know the untold secrets? The unsaid rules of the road as it pertains to merging? Well, let me tell you what merging doesn’t involve.

Merging doesn’t involve:

-Brake lights
-No signal drifting
-Horn honking
-Low speeds
-Yelling
-Middle fingers
-Cursing anyone’s mother

You can just about tell what to do when merging by reading the don’ts. I know you like it when I point out the obvious so I will tell you the untold secrets of merging. The unsaid rules of the road!

When merging please remember:

-The accelorator is on the right
-There is no room for brake lights
-Screaming at the car next to you will not make up for your short comings, no matter how loud you get and how much you move your hands.
-Use your signal
-Use the whole length of the ramp

That’s it! I know it’s simple really! Just commit to following these rules. You do that and you will not go wrong! Rmemeber that the entrance ramp is your runway, hit the gas! Use these untold secrets of merging, the unsaid rules of the road with respect… and wisely.

I know there are a lot of transplants in this fair city, I being one of them. It just seems to me that when traffic laws differ from state to state you should replace the inconsistencies with logic, yes I know what a brilliant idea. The problem is, every state has their crap drivers but it seems like all those crap drivers have dreams of music success and end up here… stopped in front of me at an intersection with a green light and nothing coming waiting on them to turn left.

Maybe the problem is not logic or common sense at all, maybe it’s too much day-dreaming about hitting it big in music. That could be, I mean, before Faith Hill was a mutli-million record selling hottie do you think she was sitting at a green light not moving? If so, I sure didn’t wait for her to go, I drove out from behind her and went around. There is no time for dreaming about “what if?” when driving… so knock it off!

Let me create a scenario for you. I am sitting at a light waiting to turn left (obviously) and there are a few cars in front of me. This light has a turn arrow but does not say “left turn signal only”. It cycles from the arrow to a straight green light then back to red. You know? Like most lights across this fruited plain. So when you get behind a half dozen cars and they get the green arrow to let them loose they all get through except one. This is the guy or girl that wants to stop, at the line mind you, even though we are green to go. They stop and sit there, like they are waiting on cars but there are no cars coming. I get out and go around.

I am not the road rage type but there are some things that just get me and that’s one of them. Even when you have a turn only signal you have people that stop short of the light changing when there is a good 20 seconds for two more additional cars to get through. Makes me crazy!

So if you are reading this wondering “what can I do to prevent this?” First you can “STOP DOING IT“. Second tell your friends to “STOP DOING IT“. And third, tell your family to “STOP DOING IT“.

Thank you and goodbye!

In my days here in Nashville I haven’t had a lot of time to ride but that has changed in the last month due to the incredibly slow economic situation. Riding is like running but with the option to coast, not to mention you can drink water while you ride which is really hard to do while running. The exercise that you get on a bike is second to none, it is great for the joints and really gets the old heart a-beatin.

There is one down fall to riding my bike, there is not a lot of places to ride. When I ride to the gym I have to take some pretty busy main roads. Nashville is pretty good about having bike lanes in the street, which I appreciate, thanks Nashville! No matter how you ride you end up riding for your life when you are up against some of these crazy drivers.

When I first started riding my bike around town I rode through stop lights, on the opposite side of the road, and pretty much did whatever I wanted. This nearly got me killed so I switched to following the rules of the road… you know, like cars do. Doing this has made things a little better, I still nearly die every time I take out my bike.

Just the other day I was riding down a neighborhood street about 5 minutes from home and a truck took up the entire street to back up. No problem right? Surely, he will look both ways for kids, dogs or full grown men on bikes… wrong! He didn’t even look once and I was going about 30 MPH as I moved to the other side of the road riding now into traffic trying to slow down. This is when he decided to give the truck a little more gas and nearly knocked me right into a pile of brush. I turned around and glared at him, he just stuck his head out of the truck and yelled “sorry”. Sorry… really? You nearly killed me, I would have died in a pile of brush!

So I thought I was in the clear and I make it down the road about 2 miles. I am obeying the rules of the road as I am riding through a green light watching for turn signals. There was no turn signals so I start riding hard to get up the hill before traffic gets there when all of a sudden I look down and see this car (with no turn signal on) turning into my leg. I look at the driver like “really?… you are going to hit me”, she honked her horn at me like I was a punk kid running across the street. If my life wasn’t on the line I would have stopped right there and we would have, I would have… well let’s just say we would have had some words.

What to do about riding your bike is this, watch out for the crazies out there, avoid main streets and always wear full football pads everywhere you go. Because let’s face it, a helmet is not going to do much!

Hopefully you remember the precursor to this article? If you don’t, I will wait. Done? Good. Now we shall proceed to the many splendors of road tripping.

This subject is on the brain… probably due to the many trips back and forth from Nashville, TN. As you may recall from article 1, I don’t like to stop… even to take a much needed pee break. Stopping for site seeing is no different, prolonging a trip is hard for me. I feel that every time I hit the road I am out to break a land speed record or beat some one else’s best time, which I can say with much confidence I have done with grace and skill. Nashville to Dayton Ohio in 4.5 hours! Yes skill, considering that this was done with a very anxious three year old in the back and a very pregnant wife next to me. Both who do not get to take potty breaks either. On a side note, my son is great at peeing in a bottle, I just wish it weren’t right beside me when it happens. It’s a long story and we don’t have the time so let your imagination take that where it may.

When road tripping with friends you will also want to remember some rules that will make the process a little more fun.

Cell phone rules: if you get a call from you girlfriend, it is everybody’s obligation to be as completely annoying and loud the whole time. Yelling obscenities and saying I love you too, if not just cracking the whip and saying where your nuts dude? When you know very well where they are.

Radio rule: no sleeping music of any kind no matter how awesome you think it is or even if the artist is you. This can only be an obstacle to the driver. Sleeping and driving usually don’t mix, at least not for very long.

Gas rule: no, not the kind that makes the car go, the kind that makes the car stop and everyone gets out and you get a proper beating. Enough said.

Shot gun rule: this rule has some give and take…the give is, the guy with the most seniority, in the relationship with the owner of the car, gets shot gun. The only exception is legroom if you are in a small car and the trip is over four hours.

Last, but not least the…

Driving rule: this rule is to keep others in the car safe even if it means they never get behind the wheel. You know what I am saying, the guy that can’t do two things at once like drive and talk. You will notice that this person drifts from lane to lane, misses exits, starts going extremely slow, and swerves a lot. Your best bet is to keep him out of the rotation, it may hurt his feelings but hopefully he will be motivated to take some lessons from the much more advanced drivers in the car.

Finally in this quest for the perfect road trip, remember that driving a car is not a game. Until you are challenged by another driver on the road that thinks he has something to prove. When this opportunity presents itself choose with care. You will want to weigh the situation by watching the other driver, as he is either wanting some fun or he is demonstrating his total lack of respect for the vehicle and the others on the road i.e. stupidity. Good luck out there and remember to keep the greasy side down.

*this article was featured on October 19, 2007

It had to be done. I hope others have their “what to do about Dayton, OH” as well. So, here is mine. If you are from the Gem City or not, this is a universal concept that you can utilize.

A small city. 5th st. being the furthest it goes. There is a 6th, but it’s about as long as an ally. Population around 160,000 and on a downward slope. Encased in suburbs and some mild ghetto. In 2005, 29% of Dayton was at the the poverty rate. Dayton has an abnormally large crime rate. I have yet to experience much of this (I don’t live in the ghetto). I believe it is mostly drug related. In this mid-west state there isn’t much going on, so boredom must drive the Ohioites to the usual substitute for real living.

I’ve been here since St. Patrick’s Day 1989. I was 9 when I moved here from northern New Jersey. At first I thought the people here are much nicer then the east coast. This isn’t completely true. People are just less blunt and forward and give the appearance of kindness. This is merely niceness and is more of a surface thing, where kindness is more of a charitable heart thing. It has taken a long time to get the blunted approach out of my system.

I’ve been mostly pessimistic of Dayton until this past year. I once asked a man from Jamaica I met at the bus stop downtown why he moved here and if he liked Jamaica a lot better. My assumption was that of course he liked Jamaica better. It’s tropical and had lots of dread-locked people. But he said people are people where ever you go. And that made about as much sense as anything.

While visiting the Oakwood (the relatively rich part of town) Star-buck’s one evening I had to drain the quickly consumed dark roast brew pulsating through my bladder. Upon the exiting of caffeinated goodness I stared upon a small defacement in direct view of my urination gaze. It said something to the matter of “Dayton = Depressing.” And that day I was in an extra Dayton sucks mood. Next to this someone responded with more words of wisdom I can’t clearly recall, “you are the one making it depressing.” It most likely said something else, but we’ll pretend it said that. The idea is that life is what you make of it, mind over matter, etc. Though I’ve heard this all my life, it was really hard to apply it to Dayton.

I decided to accept this wisdom and run with it. This past year has changed a lot for me. I finally have become content with this city and have experienced more of it in one year then I have in the previous seventeen. I have gotten to meet some great people and found decent things to bring the desired amount of diversification to my daily routine.

I always wanted to go to California. It seemed to be the antonym of Ohio. Lots of different people, better weather, and palm trees. Well, I’m in Sacramento as I write this. I first came to CA last October. I visited San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Sacramento in 11 days. Came back out to Hollywood on Memorial Day (quite memorial indeed) and now. It is extremely different from Dayton, yet there are the unavoidable familiarities. Lots of consumerism and people with attitudes just like Dayton and New Jersey. I could write about this all day, but the point is there are people everywhere and benefits and downfalls to everything. City-data.com has a forum about leaving California for Dayton. Lots of different opinions here, but they are accurate.

So, here is what to do about Dayton, OH.

1. Smile! We need more of that. I always loved to visit small restaurants in Texas where the waitress you’ve never met before treats you like a regular, calls you honey, and is goofy as…um…Goofy?

2. I’ve met a few who are making things happen. Coming together with others and creating worthwhile events. This is only possible with a positive attitude toward our city.

3. Accept those outside of your cultural boundaries. Even if there isn’t much you have in common and you may never be best friends, the open-mindedness to not snub someone because of their clothes is a good and inexpensive practice.

*this article was featured on October 13, 2007