My long term goal is to open my own dojo and teach other little fruit ninja hopefuls my secrets in slashing and splattering fruit. I will also be providing them with a nutritious fruity snack at the same time which is something their little bodies need anyways, parents will like that. Instead of having colored belts to show rank like in most martial arts, I will have fruity belts, for example the banana belt is for beginners, the berry belt is a level higher, the citrus belt is a level higher than that, followed by apples, island fruits, and then on to melons…you get the idea. I will teach my little fruit seeds (that’s what I will call my young students) how to slash to the point where they can achieve 2 fruit combos, 3 fruit combos, 4 fruit combos, and even the famous 5 fruit combo! Of course a 5 fruit combo of all melons and coconuts seems a bit far fetched but it is possible my friends. A fruit combo is achieved when more than 1 fruit is slashed and splattered with a single swipe. This takes the fruity pleasure to a whole new level of satisfaction.

Someday when I retire I will become ‘Master Nate the Fruit Sensei’. I hope to take my message of fruitiness to the masses and start a new refreshing movement of messiness. So if you’re stuck in a rut, or just frequently constipated, you’re welcome to follow me on to fruitier pastures!

To start your journey with me visit: www.fruitninja.com

Let me do a little more setup to this Kyla person you are being introduced to today. I met her a little over a year ago when she came to a free boot camp I was having, with a friend. After not seeing her for 2 weeks she came back, but without the friend, I saw that she had some experience in boot camping. She could punch with the best of them and that meant she could box, which means she could probably take me. So I knew she was tough, but would find out later how tough she was. She soon joined a class we like to call “kill you with weights” and in this class I do what I do best. I find your weakness and dance on them (cause there are always more than one) while slapping your face. It will make you stronger, and a better person… or something like that.

Kyla came and was tough like I thought, keeping up with the fellah’s and beating a few of them as well. She kind of got on my nerves because I couldn’t break her… especially those abs of hers, until one day we decided to do the pushup/situp challenge. This was really tough, 300 a day all the way up to 1000 a day by the end of the month. She stuck in there right with me, which was unexpected. Why? Because I didn’t challenge her to this, she heard that I was doing it and jumped right in. I know crazy tough right?! But I got those abs (evil laugh).

I tell you this to tell you that she was a little to excited to throw me into the water. I have heard her when she instructs my boot campers for me, you wouldn’t be able to tell that she eats sit-ups for breakfast. So sweet. Till she has me in the water! I drank more pool water that day than I have in my whole life. She knows how competitive I am and she screws with my head. After the first lesson she told me “sure, we can swim a half mile in the lake without rest” knowing that I would be crazy enough to do it. I did, it was hard.

In summary, I will tell you that I haven’t learned how to swim competitively, but I will not quit, I can’t… I will not stop till I figure this out. I can’t let her win at my challenge to quit at hers. Breathe, blow bubbles, then repeat, and even though I think that the bubbles are silly, I will listen when she yells at me.

Why am I so competitive?

My boys just received a gift from their grandmother, my mother-in-law. She likes to send them, and my wife, gifts. I get cold shoulders, which are fine so long as they are quiet cold shoulders. I don’t need a shoulder that’s going to tell me that I am a bad husband and father. Right? So cold shoulders all around… I digress.

The slip and slide came in the mail, and by slip and slide, I mean a Big Lots knock off of an American classic. What’s the difference? About 3 feet and a cool logo that says Slip and Slide! Not to mention the patent yellow color that made you want to wet your pants while you ate a banana. Not you? Well aren’t you a Happy Henry?! I loved that yellow slip and slide as a kid and partway through adulthood. A slip and slide was a poor kids pool! We would ride that thing till we wore a hole in it! Then duct tape it.

In my early 20’s, I found myself at a youth conference as a youth counselor, I know, right? They let me in, and at this conference there was this epic 100 ft. slip and slide that went on for days. It was amazing! You had to soap up and then take off running, jump on, reach 35 MPH and then hit the mud at the end, but only if you were fast enough. Good times, good times!

My kids’ new slip n slide isn’t quite the same, but it has ole’ dad thinking about the way things used to be. I am currently plotting and planning ways to build another 100 footer in someones backyard. It’s the stuff that dreams are made of.

Aside from being incredibly fun, fellahs, you will have the ladies lined up around the block trying to catch a peak or take a ride. Your dating problems are solved! It’s what I do. Now go make some slip and slide dreams come true.
Remember when hitting the slip and slide you must go belly first to save your knees the pain of hard grassy surfaces. If you think you can handle the fall try standing up and seeing how far your can make it without falling. Remember to soap up for safety.

“So what should I do Nate?” I ask myself. I try to get my Bengals football fix by paying attention to the Scouting Combine, reading mock drafts, reviewing story lines and various team needs, anticipating free agency, and then enjoying the NFL Draft come late April.

Maybe each NFL franchise could actually have 2 teams, maybe an A-Team and a B-Team, this way the B-Team could play while the A-Team (this is not a group of special forces featuring Mr. T) is having their off-season. Whichever team would win the “Offseason Super Bowl” would get to wear t-shirts sort of like this one:

Would this solve my problem or would I risk burn out? Hmm, this is probably a bad idea.

Or maybe I should start recording all of the games from the previous season and then somehow burn them to DVD if I am not able to save them on DVR, that way I can re-watch all of the best Bengals games from the previous season! Yeah, that’s what I’ll do! But what if the Bengals only win 3 games that season? That would kinda suck, then I wouldn’t be motivated to re-watch those games. Grrrr, yeah bad idea.

What to do, what to do…I mean the juices are flowing but how about some help people?!?!

At least baseball season starts in April and that will help lessen my football cravings for at least a month.

These are all great ideas unless you happen to be the league commissioner each year, as I am. Too many first place finishes will lead to skepticism and suspicion that the league might be rigged. So if you happen to find yourself in my position, here are a few suggestions:

1) The 5 Year Plan. Only really try to win every 5th year, this will keep the other league players still interested and excited about being in your fantasy league each year and will lessen the thought that it might be rigged. Which it isn’t anyways.

2) Personal Economic Assessment. In our fantasy league the league champ gets dinner paid for by the other players at the restaurant of his choice along with other goodies such as beer and cigars, etc. About halfway into each fantasy football season you could do a personal economic assessment and only win if you really can’t afford to lose. What I mean is, if you are in a period of financial prosperity and are thriving economically then let someone else win. However, if you are pinching pennies and considering selling your body for extra cash on the weekends then this would be a good year to go all out and win. Of course this method will not work if you are extremely wealthy. The fact that I suggested this method should give you some info about me.

3) Make Losing Fun. If you win, and your opponents are supposed to buy you dinner, do not pick the most expensive restaurant around and do not order the most expensive item(s) on the menu. Pick a restaurant that the majority of others in the group will also enjoy. Share with others, whether it’s your appetizer, dessert, beer, or you have an extra stogie. Others won’t mind losing to you as often if you make the experience more enjoyable. If your friends don’t mind losing to you then they probably won’t suspect the league to be rigged by you. Which it isn’t by the way. Celebrate with class. Make losing fun gosh darn it!

I know there are a lot of guys, and even a few gals, out there that suffer persecution at the hands of their “friends” for winning their fantasy football leagues multiple times. I know it’s hard at times being the most intelligent sports fan around, that’s why I’m glad to be part of the writing team here at WTDA where we freely provide valuable solutions to life’s tough questions.

I’m out losers.

I think I could stop this article right there, but alas, you would all be disappointed that you missed my humor. So I will indulge you in my humor, dry and sometimes misplaced, but humor nonetheless.

There is this game floating around that some of us (you know who you are) are enjoying on a daily basis. If you are not familiar with this game, it’s just like scrabble, only electronic and cooler because it’s on my iphone. This game isn’t a big deal unless you like to spell or in my case, are learning how to spell. So when people say I am addicted I smack them in their face and say NO!

Ok. Not really, but I am not addicted. People that are addicted to things forsake their families, food, and all hygiene. I, on the other hand, consider this game to be bettering my education! Can one be addicted to his education…? Well, I suppose, but if it happens you don’t hear about it very often.

Since I have been playing words with friends I have learned the i comes before e except after c. This newfound knowledge, plus beating someone in a game, can be quite liberating. Liberating from all those things that your mother-in-law said about you… “he’ll never succeed”, “you married a loser”, and “you can’t even spell success“. I’ll show her, I will win several games of words with friends, I will write an article about it, and then after it has been edited by Tim she will see…

If you are not out there trying to get back at a family member or friend that has called you dumb or stupid, don’t let anyone tell you that you are addicted to anything. Unless of course you are, then you should kiss your wife, eat your dinner, and take a shower. After that you need to go, it’s your turn!

I wish someone had told me that I would have enjoyed scrabble (words with friends) a long time ago. I would have stopped beating up all of those nerds that played during recess. I like to look back on those beatings as an education for the kids that don’t know how to play “real” games. I guess now I am the one learning a lesson… it’s a good thing there are a lot of chess players out there to beat up, otherwise I would be a grumpy dude!

Your drink gets shaken by the unstable table and dumps all over you or your friends. It enough to make you wanna haul off and slap your mother!! There is always a wobbly table no matter how nice the place is.

Can you just have stable tables? I went to a great place the other day with my homies. It was real nice… nice tvs, nice chairs… an all around great place. But alas, the tables were still rocky, much to my surprise mind you, not as rocky as most, but still rocky. I look down and find 5 drink coasters under one leg. That’s when my buddy says “that’s how you fix it”. Coasters?!

Well, I guess it works and that’s all that matters. If you are wondering what to do about wobbly tables, bring your coasters and a towel just in case.

Some fresh air is nice too… and not the fresh that comes from Glade either, I am talking about the fresh that comes from pine trees and lake air. It will give a man a boost in all the right ways… including that one!

You will need a tent for starters, and if you are venturing out to an island in the middle of a lake like you know we did, then you will need a canoe. But alas, this canoe doesn’t need two paddles
one will do, but only if you are a man’s man. A sod shovel will do for the other oar, it works quite well as long as your not heading into a head wind. I am pretty sure that we only spun around 3 times.

Once you get to the island make sure there are no bears by taking a quick scan for bear tracks and dung. Then set your sites on the best flat area that is not too rocky and get your tent set up. Next it’s time for a fire. Yes, this is most of the reason we go camping. To sit by a fire and tell stories, cook meat, and drink beer. Into the woods we go hunting dry tinder and kindling for a nice fire. You may have to settle for big pieces of wood and frequent “that’s what she said” jokes. You may need help with that log. Is that big enough. Hey slide that log over here. We are going to need more wood. Etc…

Once there is a fire you will need some seating, we made a bench with our bare hands and some pine. Ok, we found a bench out there but it was heavy and that had to count for something. Now it’s time to sit back and make fun of each other, spill beer on your pants, cut your finger on broken glass you melted in the fire and light your cigar with a piece of cedar from the fire…. good times.

Camping is a way to get to know some dude and their loud snoring (sorry guys), as well as recharge the batteries for the next work week. Either way you look at it, it’s a great time had by all in attendance. Don’t forget your matches, knife (for killing), knife (for eating) and your oars!

For those who do not know, Dr. Mario is an old school Nintendo game. It is a game in which you have a certain amount of viruses in a bottle that you have to destroy with pills that Dr. Mario throws into the bottle. In order to get rid of the viruses with the pills you must match the color of the pills with the color of the viruses and align them so that there are 4 in a row. Once you get 4 in a row of the same color the virus disappears.

I have always told myself that I really like a game when I enjoy playing it even when I lose over and over. Such is the case with Dr. Mario and thus I know it’s love. And ping-pong… I can play ping-pong against my brother and lose 10 games straight and still enjoy playing. I guess it could be hope and joy that drives me on though… the hope that one game I will win and feel a sense of accomplishment. I think I like the competition too, cause I know that I like playing someone who can challenge me in the game. It’s no fun to blow someone out of the water every time. You know?

It’s a different skill set than that of Tetris. I am not very good at Tetris but I can hold my own at Dr. Mario. It has more to do with seeing possible alignments of 4 than building and packing. I am bad at Tetris and thus it seems I am a bad mover. I am good at Dr. Mario and thus it seems I can tell you what your options for moving are. It seems we all have a lot to learn from each other. So it seems.

Yessssssss. All viruses have been defeated! Now, don’t you feel good about yourself?

Let’s get a little interactive and take a vote (leave your comments below) who would win a fight if the actual team’s characters went up against each other.

Who do you think would win:

A Cardinal versus a Giant?

My vote: I’ll take the Giant squashing the little red birdie.

A Falcon versus a Cowboy?

My vote: I think a Falcon could give a Cowboy some fits but I’ll go with the Cowboy in this showdown.

A Bear versus a Bengal?

My vote: I think this could go either way and really depends on the size of the Bear or speed and fierceness of the Bengal, but if you have a full grown Bengal tiger foaming at the mouth, I’ll bet on its speed and bite over most Bears, although a full grown grizzly Bear would pose a good battle.

A 49er versus a Texan?

My vote: Have you ever heard the phrase “don’t mess with Texas”? Yeah, I’ll take the Texan.

A Colt versus a Ram?

My vote: Easy, the Ram.

A Patriot versus a Buccaneer?

My vote: I’m gonna go with my gut on this one, the Patriot probably has more firearms and training.

If I owned a professional football team I would choose a sweet name like the White Sharks, or Behemoths, or maybe the T-Rex’s.

Ah… Sports