If you are a pal, you know how to say these things to your pal, because you realize that you yourself, at times, lack imagination and optimism, make grammatical errors over and over, and have boogers hanging from your nose. If perchance you have none of those things, then you are an A-class weeny and thus you are already sufficiently humbled from your own weenyness.

As I already mentioned, being a pal can be hard work. For this very reason, many people quit being pals. They shy away from the hard work it takes to be a pal. They wither like a violet in the sahara desert.

Interestingly enough, it is easier to put in the hard work of being a pal with different types of people. You see, some people make the hard work of being a pal easier, just by the type of person they are, while other people make the hard work of being a pal even more difficult.

So, you can see, the first step in being a pal, is carefully and wisely picking the people that you will be a pal to. Now, of course, in one sense, you will be a pal to everyone and anyone, but in this instance we are referring to “pal” as those you see on a regular and recurring basis. Are your pals patient with you? Or are they just pretending and pretentious? Does your pal(s) make you feel more alive? Do they give you life or suck the life right out of you so that you feel as dry as a spring in the sahara desert?

Good answer, good answer. In order to be a good pal, you must have strong moral conviction,s or else you will end up not being a pal, because being a pal is looking out for the good of your pal and if you do not have convictions against things that are bad for your pal, then how can you look out for the good of your pal?

Well, I, for one, have good pals. A good pal tells you the truth even if it is hard to hear, or hard to say, I should say. Ok! So, for example, if your pal kills someone, I recommend turning them in. Be a pal!

*****

Tim: Mmm, this is better than I remember it. [eating ice cream]

Terry: That’s what she said.

*****

[thinking up ideas for wtdaNate (me) to write about.]

Terry: What To Do About THE WORLD CUP.

Terry: Who watches soccor??

Terry: Any help at all?

Nate: [shakes head]

Terry: He’s writing about crocheting.

Terry: You don’t know me at all Terry [high pitched voice...talking about himself].

*****

[lame music playing in the background]

Me: How’s that ice cream guys

Steve: Super good

Tim: delectable

Tim: I am very well convinced that most Americans do not eat enough saturated fats.

*****

Steve: I don’t have a whole lot of taste for art, I just think artists should be underpaid. [there just happens to be lots of bad art pieces hanging on the walls around us]

Steve: I think I should try and be an artist.

Tim: Maybe we should all try together.

Tim: Maybe we can make a masterpiece and sell it in a coffee shop for $400.

Tim: Drinks on me!

*****

[back to ice cream]

Terry: It’s not about the sweetness or how delectable it is, it’s about how I can’t stand to have something that’s not finished [talking about his pint of ice cream]

Tim: Scrape the top layer of freezer burn off and it’s fine.

Tim: I’m going to have about 250% of my daily recommended saturated fat intake.

Tim: What about you Steve.

Steve: I just had 120%

Steve: Now why would you use fair trade sugar AND regular sugar.

Tim: We want to help the fair trade people.

Steve: But not too much.

Tim: I really feel like I could make good ice cream. Like this quality but better ingredients. I really feel like I have it in me.

Steve: You wanna go global with this?

Tim: We are starting a raw milk ice cream business in California. Instead of Ben & Jerrys it’s going to be called Tim & Terrys.

Terry: I just don’t wanna be the one with the beard.

*****

That’s all I got kids. At least until the next time I act like I’m doing something but really writing down the conversation of my friends.

My boys just received a gift from their grandmother, my mother-in-law. She likes to send them, and my wife, gifts. I get cold shoulders, which are fine so long as they are quiet cold shoulders. I don’t need a shoulder that’s going to tell me that I am a bad husband and father. Right? So cold shoulders all around… I digress.

The slip and slide came in the mail, and by slip and slide, I mean a Big Lots knock off of an American classic. What’s the difference? About 3 feet and a cool logo that says Slip and Slide! Not to mention the patent yellow color that made you want to wet your pants while you ate a banana. Not you? Well aren’t you a Happy Henry?! I loved that yellow slip and slide as a kid and partway through adulthood. A slip and slide was a poor kids pool! We would ride that thing till we wore a hole in it! Then duct tape it.

In my early 20′s, I found myself at a youth conference as a youth counselor, I know, right? They let me in, and at this conference there was this epic 100 ft. slip and slide that went on for days. It was amazing! You had to soap up and then take off running, jump on, reach 35 MPH and then hit the mud at the end, but only if you were fast enough. Good times, good times!

My kids’ new slip n slide isn’t quite the same, but it has ole’ dad thinking about the way things used to be. I am currently plotting and planning ways to build another 100 footer in someones backyard. It’s the stuff that dreams are made of.

Aside from being incredibly fun, fellahs, you will have the ladies lined up around the block trying to catch a peak or take a ride. Your dating problems are solved! It’s what I do. Now go make some slip and slide dreams come true.
Remember when hitting the slip and slide you must go belly first to save your knees the pain of hard grassy surfaces. If you think you can handle the fall try standing up and seeing how far your can make it without falling. Remember to soap up for safety.

Clingy people are usually emotionally unstable, but not as a whole, just in one or two areas. It’s either because of rejection, poor parenting, substance abuse or they pour crazy for breakfast every morning, who really knows? All I can tell you is how to survive them, it’s not hard, it will just take some duct tape, needle nose pliers and a little bit of know-how!

How to tell if your friend has C.F.S Clingy Friend Syndrome:

1. They get pissed off when they are not invited to things that you are invited to
2. These friends are the coolest people on the planet one minute and quite crazy the next
3. These friends mean well, but don’t really know what well means
4. They always want to know what you are doing and are never calling to invite you to something
5. These friends will take anyones advice that seems a little more stable then they
6. C.F.S’s will always be a true friend to you, so long as you are already emotionally committed to another individual

I know, I know, now your feelings are hurt, I can’t say that I am surprised, but remember that I am the married guy! The one that has one emotional attachment to another individual, so it’s safe to assume that you will not get hurt. So you can be truthful with me and yourself, and step up to the plate of personal responsibility and tell yourself that you are the cause of your problems. Why? Because this is what a therapist would do (not “the rapist” either) no really… Saw it on TV. I know it’s true because it has helped me in my job with my clients, as soon as they realize that they have a weight problem and it wasn’t caused by anyone else but themselves. This, this I tell you, is where we make progress!!

So stop surrounding yourself with yes friends and start making some changes to your life that will help you to not be so clingy. If you have a friend with C.F.S then just remember that this friend or friends don’t see this as a flaw, and they will probably blame you for their shortcomings. It’s no big deal, at least they will always come right back when they realize that no one else will talk to their craziness.

I love my C.F.S friends, they are loyal and they love me, but if I have to give the same advice twice I might have to haul off and hit their mothers. I mean, come on, really? Pick yourself off the floor and take a look in the mirror. Once you fix you, the rest will just happen, people will start liking you or even loving you, you may have a sustainable relationship that is with someone other than a family member or someone that is already committed to someone else emotionally and you could even cure your foot odor, who knows it could help… I think!

Of course, there needs to be grace and flexibility and understanding as plans and people and circumstances change… of course. For this reason (and there are others), communication becomes very important. So, the person who said they were going to do something at a certain time, should communicate if circumstances change and they are not able to do what they said they were going to do at the time they said they were going to do it. If the person successfully communicates, then it is much easier to appreciate them as a person who still does what they say they are going to do when they say they are going to do it. If a person does not communicate, then everyone continues to view said person as someone who does not do what they say they are going to do when they say they are going to do it.

Being a person who does what they say they are going to do when they say they are going to do it raises the probability that other people will want to do business with you. I am not just talking about business business, but also non-business business. So, they will want to make transactions with you whether they are business transactions or non-business transactions. Why? Because you are reliable and dependable, of course. There are other things, of course, that raise your business transaction favorability ratio. Things like emotional stability and sometimes availability… although there are plenty of people who are not available and still are great people to do transactions with because when they are available they do what they say they are going to do when they say they are going to do it.

I would heartily recommend taking steps to improve your transaction favorability ratio by being someone who does what they say they are going to do when they say they are going to do it. Start by saying you are going to do something at a certain time and then, with all of your might, make sure you do it when you said you would do it. Baby steps.

You can see how complex your transaction favorability ratio can be.

“So Kramer, what are you going to do?”
“Do? Do? Hey, I’m doing what I do. You know, I’ve always done what I do. I’m doing what I do, way I’ve always done and the way I’ll always do it.”

These new pj’s are also gray but only have snowmen on them, no igloos or snowflakes. I can’t really tell if the snowmen are holding skier poles or if those stick looking figures are golf clubs or something else. Anyways, they’re pretty cool. Do you like these better than the old ones? It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that Terry is still secure in his manhood and doesn’t care what you think.

Until next time!

(Possibly next year, depending on whether Terry’s mother-in-law buys him more pajamas for his birthday.)

Fourth, really? I mean, really? You are going to get upset about not getting invited? It is no big deal about going to something and not going to something. I go and not go to things all the time. It’s like my pops used to say “there’s always another sale”.

BUT DAD, WE ARE NOT GOING TO EVER SEE THE ITEM AT THIS PRICE AGAIN. There’s always another sale. So, what to do about not getting invited? Get busy. You know, get busy! Not like, get busy get busy… but like get busy. AND, wait for the next sale.

I don’t know if you are thinking what I am thinking or if what I am thinking is what I think I am thinking. Do you think he is using the same wind as us?

For those who do not know, Dr. Mario is an old school Nintendo game. It is a game in which you have a certain amount of viruses in a bottle that you have to destroy with pills that Dr. Mario throws into the bottle. In order to get rid of the viruses with the pills you must match the color of the pills with the color of the viruses and align them so that there are 4 in a row. Once you get 4 in a row of the same color the virus disappears.

I have always told myself that I really like a game when I enjoy playing it even when I lose over and over. Such is the case with Dr. Mario and thus I know it’s love. And ping-pong… I can play ping-pong against my brother and lose 10 games straight and still enjoy playing. I guess it could be hope and joy that drives me on though… the hope that one game I will win and feel a sense of accomplishment. I think I like the competition too, cause I know that I like playing someone who can challenge me in the game. It’s no fun to blow someone out of the water every time. You know?

It’s a different skill set than that of Tetris. I am not very good at Tetris but I can hold my own at Dr. Mario. It has more to do with seeing possible alignments of 4 than building and packing. I am bad at Tetris and thus it seems I am a bad mover. I am good at Dr. Mario and thus it seems I can tell you what your options for moving are. It seems we all have a lot to learn from each other. So it seems.

Yessssssss. All viruses have been defeated! Now, don’t you feel good about yourself?

My slightly older sister would always start laughing when she or we (her, me and my younger sister) would get in trouble. So there we would be, lined up against the wall trying not to laugh while my mom asked us, who did what? It was the same old interrogation process that we have seen so many times before. My older sister would be so nervous for the ensuing beating that she would just start laughing. This did not fair well with my mom, it actually made her quite mad. So mad that I am pretty sure steam came out of her ears once… Mom would warn her but to no avail, soon we would all get beat for her laughing. Ah… corporal punishment for a crime committed by the single weakest link in the group. We got away with nothing when she was around.

This went on for some time, there were many beatings or spankings because of her bloody laughing. You can imagine why I would have a tiddle bit of angst for this expression. I soon stopped liking certain girls after they displayed such character, it was an instant reflection of my sister and soon meant that I was going to be spanked and not in the good way either.

I have since had a change of heart and realized that this laughter can be quite rewarding since I am always looking for an audience for this comic show I put on everyday. It’s actually an ego boast, as if I needed one… right? But nonetheless I have made peace with the fact that there is not a blistering spanking coming after the giggling.

Seeing someone with a smile all the time even when they call you names like: A-hole, awkward, inappropriate, dirt bag and well anything with the last name ass. It is still uplifting and some times worth it, if it weren’t for the very joy I get from making her sore from working out, then well, I might have to keep her at a distance. Which might be hard given the fact that she and my wife are buddies.

So your girl giggles, deal with it! It’s better than one who constantly folds her arms and rolls her eyes every time you tell a joke. Smiles can take you miles fellahs, even if she doesn’t like your hairy back, constant burping, the occasional fart and your obsession with scratching your own butt.