Sure it sounds cool, and it has its moments of danger and excitement, but in the end it leaves you strung out with no friends and living a life of constant compromise.

You spend weeks, months, and years studying your target, and most likely your target has been studying you as well. Finally the time arrives when you will come into close proximity, which of course can be extremely dangerous, but also invaluable for gaining invaluable intel.

Once you are in close proximity with the target, you must keep all your wits about you. You must remain vigilant and observant so that no signs are left unnoticed or unheeded. Due to the intense study of the individual, targets of opposite gender often fall in love. Then, when they are no longer in close proximity, the relationship is faced with the brutality of the occupation torn in pieces by the maddening love affair which is made worse by the distance that separates the fated lovers.

How would I know, you ask? I have been there. They say hindsight is 20/20, I wish it were 20/200, that way the past would be blurry. Alas, take my advice, leave the life of espionage, marry the girl/guy and if you must, move to a remote island where no one will find you.

You can’t trust those Alice’s. They are either eating up the world or going down rabbit holes. They are always bucking the conventions of the day or drowning in a pool of their own tears.

Such was the case of the Alice I once knew as well. She was a lively one. Very vigorous. We met at a show and it was a rather plain meeting, at the first.

As the night went on, I noticed that she was rather animated and fun, with an energetic and cheerful laugh, even boisterous, if you will. So began our friendship and adventures where we whisked ourselves from party to party, wine and dine, and pine and shine.

Twas a fateful night. The night I met Alice. Even more pronounced was the memory of having met earlier in life, when she was a young lass, still rather gangly.

Oh the pranks that Alice liked to play. She once snapped a foto of me and attached it to her head. She then proceeded to roam around town proclaiming that she was me. She received many laughs and mine own as well.

Oh, but she could be as stubborn as a mule. I once tried to get her to go to a performance of the late great Johann Enich Ulgrish. She had previously known the composer on more intimate terms and felt so constrained at the thought of merely sitting in on the performance, regardless of Johann’s ignorance of our presence in the crowd, that she swore never to speak to me again should I press the matter further.

It was nice knowing Alice. What a performance by Johann.

I walked on up to the dude and he looked dead, but I didn’t see any wounds. That’s when I heard a voice “is he gone?” “Who said that?!” I yelled, then I heard, “down here stupid”. I jumped back as he was raising his head… he reached out his hand and said “can you give me a hand?” So I helped him up and asked him “what was all those gun shots?” he said that they where from the guy giving him the beating. I asked him “are you shot?” he said, “no, when I saw you at your mail box he stopped and I had enough of a head start to get a bit in front of him, I used to run track” he said with a laugh as if the whole thing was completely normal. So I asked him, “what happened?” He said that he had slept with his friends sister and might have stolen from her as well. I thought it was a joke, but he insisted that the guy was about to shoot him right there in the ally till I saw them and he began to thank me and then said, “I would have handled it”.

Ok. I wondered what next. He offered me a cigarette and when I said I don’t smoke, he said, “sure you do”. I did not argue, that’s when he said “you enjoy a pipe about every other night behind your house” I thought, “well, he must live close and has seen me outside on occassion.” Then he said “you also eat about 4 dozen eggs a weak and have a young child and cats” Now I was getting a little upset.  He said, “don’t worry about it”. I told him he better tell me how he knew that or I would finish what his friend started. “Trash man” he said “this is my route, that’s how I met Ron” referring to his friend who had given him the beating.

“Do you have a light?” again he asked.  “No”, I said, “but you come back to my place and I can give you one and you can clean up there” he graciously accepted. We headed back to my place walking slowly off the side of the road when a van comes from behind us and swerves in front. Throwing open the doors and grabbing me and my new “friend”, we are soon gagged and tied up. I hear a voice “I never want to see you here again and if I do I will kill you” We soon arrived at a set of tracks and when the van stopped we where asked to get in this box car. We did what we where told. A man locked the doors and said “make a new life, anywhere but here, before Ron finds you again”.

As the train began to move we untied ourselves and I said “what going on?” This time I was upset. “That was my brother, he works for Ron and this train makes two more stops before it leaves town”. I said, “Good, I think. What if they see us again or me? I am not with you and now they think I am”. “Yeah sorry about that”, he explained that he was going to get to the bottom of this as soon as the train stopped.

We stopped and as the doors opened we were surprised by two cops, both who seemed to know about everything and didn’t want to listen to either of us. As they where cuffing us the fella that got me in this trouble grabbed the gun from one of the officers and told them “this will make sense in the end, trust me”. We put the cuffs on them and took their car and as we sped off I told him “let me out!!” He said “keep your shirt on this will only take a minute” We arrived at a salon where he eventually came out with a very upset girl. I figured she was the reason for this mess.

She got in the car and asked him “where are you taking me?” He said, “to your brother and you are going to tell him that I took nothing from him and you didn’t sleep with me”. She was surprised, “he’s going to kill you and your friend”. To which I quickly added, “I am not going and I am not his friend”. To which he responded, “I thought we had hit it of pretty well, I have to get her home you understand right?” “Oh no”, I replied, “no, I have a wife and kids”. He said, “it will be fine”. That’s when it happened. BAM! We were t-boned by another car. I rolled out and wandered over to the curb. As I looked back the whole car exploded with the other two in it knocking me back to the ground. It wasn’t soon after that I heard police sirens and I thought I was going to jail. When they got there I was put in an ambulance and explained the story to the officers that had been there at the train. They said “we know exactly what’s going on and you are lucky that you weren’t killed back there”. I agreed. They added, “you know that the guy you were with was a convicted felon on probation for his mafia ties and was awaiting testifying in court right?” I said “no”. They explained the guy in question had committed many mafia style killings and was out due to a plea agreement and got in some trouble with the bosses wife…not sister. He was a garbage man. I told them “yeah, he said that and I was amazed”. “Well, the Italian mafia owns the company and now we have the evidence to put them away for a while. Let us take you home”, to which I quickly agreed.

Once I was home, I was never so glad to see my red front door as I was that night.

I got up and took a quick shower and got dressed. It was Saturday and so I really didn’t have plans set for the day. The sound of the rain didn’t give me much motivation to go out, so I thought I would just take my time, eat some breakfast and watch the Weather Channel to see when the rain might end. I sat on the couch with my bowl of cereal and was surprised to see that the weather lady was reporting zero rain and partly sunny skies over my area. Maybe she had made a mistake I thought as the sound of the water hit the windows behind me. The rain seemed to be pouring harder now than when I had gotten out of bed.

I decided to call a few of my friends to see what their plans were for the day. I called 3 of my closest friends but each phone call went right to voicemail. I was frustrated to say the least, it was raining outside, I couldn’t get ahold of my friends, and the weather lady could not even report the right information! I decided to get on the internet to see if Weather.com could provide me with more accurate information and maybe I could get an idea when this lousy, rainy weather might come to an end. I was surprised once again when the website also reported partly sunny skies and a 0% chance of precipitation for the day. Not only that, but the site showed that there was no chance of rain for the entire weekend. I was perplexed as the rain seemed to be raging outside, I even felt a slight thunderous rumble on my rooftop. As the thunder and rain came down I was sulking in self pity. I felt trapped in my own house, my friends weren’t answering their phones, it was nasty outside, and I had no motivation to do anything. The next day (Sunday) was my birthday so at least I might have something to look forward to then I thought to myself.

After checking my email and a few social networking sites I dozed off and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up about an hour later to, you guessed it, the sound of rain. I decided to try calling my friends again but again no one answered. I decided to call my sister who lived in Seattle, she actually answered the phone! I told her how bored I was and how it was raining cats & dogs outside. She said the weather was lovely there in Seattle and they were having a picnic at a park and later going to a Mariners game & dinner downtown. I was kinda bummed because I missed my sister and family and wished I was there enjoying the park and could go to the baseball game. After I got off of the phone with my sis, I decided to watch some tv. I watched the Discovery Channel for a bit and the Food Network but it got old quick. I had never been so bored in my entire life. Why was it raining out?! Why wouldn’t my friends answer their freakin phones?! And why couldn’t the weather people get their facts straight?! I ended up wasting the rest of my afternoon listening to Denison Witmer while cleaning up my bedroom and doing household chores such as folding laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and putting toilet paper back on the spindles in our bathrooms.

I was getting hungry again and thought I would order some pizza for the evening which I never do, but since it was raining and I didn’t feel like going anywhere I thought ordering pizza was a good idea. It took the pizza guy over an hour to get to my house and it was now 7pm. When he opened the door he handed me the pizza and I gave him his money, he said to me “It’s weird how sometimes it rains only over your house huh?” I didn’t really know what he meant and I really didn’t care, I was hungry. As I sat down and ate my chicken, cheese and olive pizza I thought about what the pizza guy had said about it only raining over my house. That’s how I felt that day, like everyone else was having a fun Saturday and I was bored out of my mind not knowing what to do with myself.

I finished my pizza and decided I was going to head out and catch a movie (by myself) and I wouldn’t let the crappy weather or fact that I couldn’t get in touch with my friends stand in the way of me having a good evening. I got ready and stepped out the door and as the water poured over my head I noticed my car, and I couldn’t believe my eyes. How could it be????!!!!!!! It was DRY! I stood there in amazement, my house was dripping with water and I had water pouring over my head, but my car and the rest of the outside surroundings were completely dry! I looked up at my house and on top of my roof was my entire family and all of my friends holding hoses and walking around. They yelled out a big “SURPRISE!!” and “APRIL FOOLS!!” I couldn’t believe it. The whole day the people that I cared most about were on top of my roof tricking me into believing that it was raining outside and I was trapped in the house.

It was March 31st, and my birthday was the next day on April 1st (April Fools Day). We ended the night by having my birthday party up on the roof, all I can say is, at that point, the rain had stopped.

On Thursday afternoon they were all packed and almost ready to head out from Bobby’s house. It would be a 12 hour drive and since they were leaving at 4pm they planned to arrive at the Best Eastern hotel they had reservations at around 4am. They left excited and each person took turns driving around 4 hours each. They arrived as planned at 3:34am at the Best Eastern, Bobby went in to the front desk to confirm his reservations and get the room key, etc. The front desk clerk said that he was unable to hold the reservation due to a glitch in their system and that they had given the reservation to another family who were already settled in the room and sound asleep and unfortunately the entire hotel was completely booked up. Bobby was quite upset & tired to say the least. He told them that he better get his money back or else. “Or else what?” the hotel clerk said. Bobby didn’t respond.

The 3 guys left the Best Eastern and found a place called The Red Door Inn, it had a pretty cool looking roof actually, it was also red. When they walked in to the hotel to see about getting a room, an extremely old man came to the front desk. He asked what we wanted, Bobby said they were looking for a room with 2 double beds, the old man said they had 1 room left and it would cost $220 for the 3 nights, they took it. They got to their room, which actually had a red door, and walked in with their bags. Not only was the outer door red, but the closet doors and bathroom doors were also red. These people were serious about red doors. The three were extremely tired from the trip so they all went right to sleep.

The next morning they woke up around 10am and decided to get ready and head out for a day on the town. When they got out to the parking lot they noticed that someone had painted their car doors red. “What the!!!” Thomas yelled. They had travelled in Thomas’ new car. They filed a report with the authorities and then decided to leave in the red-doored car. They decided to go eat at a hip sports bar & catch some of the afternoon Yankees game, oddly enough the door at the entrance of the sports bar was red. They ate, watched 5 innings of the game and then decided to drive to Manhattan to spend the afternoon & evening there. They walked out the back entrance door which was red and were on their way.

They got into their car but Thomas was unable to start the engine, his key would not work. They then realized that they were not in the same vehicle. It was the strangest thing, they were in the same parking spot and were sitting inside a car with red doors but it was not the same car. They went to the authorities again and they came to the conclusion that someone had stolen Thomas’ car and replaced it in the parking lot with a different vehicle, also with red doors. They all were stunned in disbelief at what had occurred so far on the trip. Several hours later they asked the police sheriff if he could drive them back to The Red Door Inn, he said “I’d be happy to do that for you boys.” They got into the police car that had red doors on it and were on the way back to the hotel. After several minutes they realized they were heading in a different direction. Ryan asked the policeman why he was going a different way and he just smiled and kept driving. The 3 were getting more nervous by the minute.

As they drove the car kept gaining speed, they were on the freeway and going quite fast. There were traffic signs that said “Drive Slow, Traffic Ahead!” The car kept gaining more & more speed. They finally saw brake lights in the distance and a traffic jam approaching, the police car did not slow down, they were now driving about 90 mph. Thomas yelled out “Are you crazy! Slow down!” The cop was no longer smiling, but sweating. They were approaching the stopped traffic, it looked like they were going to crash and collide when…Bobby jumped up out of bed in a pool of sweat. It was noon and Thomas and Ryan were waiting outside his bedroom in Knoxville, TN. Bobby was so relieved. It was just a bad dream. Thomas asked Bobby, “Dude, why aren’t you out of bed already? We need to get on the road asap if we want to get to NYC sometime this weekend!” Bobby said, “ok man, I’ve got my reservations to the Best Western and we should be good to go.” Just then Ryan said, I could’ve gotten us a free room at The Red Roof Inn because my cousin works at one. Bobby exclaimed, “No no! We’re good, let’s just stay at the Best Western.” “Ok” said Ryan.

As the three friends walked out of the house towards Thomas’ new car they planned to ride in, Bobby couldn’t believe what he saw, the door was red.

When I got to the park I was glad to find that I was the only one there. I got out of my car and began walking to the nearest grouping of trees. My thought was that if I was an orangutan I would probably go climb the nearest tree and hide out at the top for a while. After about 15 minutes of staring at the tops of almost every tree in the park I came to a final grouping of trees. A small yellow object caught my eye, it wasn’t an orangutan but it was an empty banana peel sitting alone on a large tree branch about 10 feet above my head. Hmm, could it be?  Was the orangutan in this tree at some point in recent history? I mean, who else would leave a banana peel up in a tree?

I decided to walk slowly around the trees but there was no sign of the orangutan. After several minutes of searching I decided to slowly begin walking back towards my car, my eyes were peeled as I searched for any sign of the animal. I went back home and saw on the news that night that the orangutan was still missing.

The next morning I drove back to the park and went to the same group of trees where I saw the empty banana peel, the peel was actually laying on the ground and so I was unsure if it had just fallen or if someone had touched it. The next thing I know something smacks me on the back of the head. “Ouch!” I yelled. I couldn’t believe it, a banana had hit me on the head. I looked up and right there above me in the trees was the orangutan! I climbed the tree, grabbed the animal by the foot, I wrestled him to the ground and then got him in a full-nelson so that he wouldn’t bite me. I had some duct tape in my car and decided I better tape it’s hands and feet together so that he wouldn’t get loose in my car. I also taped his mouth shut so he wouldn’t bite me and then I put the animal in the back seat of my car.

I drove to the store and bought some more bananas for him to eat and then decided I better take him to the zoo. I decided to name him “Roger Clemens” since I like baseball and also since he through a banana at me. Anyways, I ended up getting a free pass to the zoo for a year and I occasionally go visit my friend Roger.

Let’s go to the zoo and check out the Ape House!

Related:

What To Do About THE CASE OF THE MISSING ORANGUTAN

What To Do About THE CASE OF THE LOOSE ORANGUTAN

I quickly rolled to the side and up against a nearby tree. About fifty feet away I spied the trouble maker. Perched perfectly upon his treetop plateau stood Louie the Orangutan. I had heard of this miscreant as he had plaqued the Nashville area for some time. Apparently Louie had gone missing 3 years prior from the Nashville Zoo and had successfully evaded all pursuers.


I slowly made my way around the park careful to stay out of the giant orangutan’s view. I knew from experience that I stood a chance at nabbing the monkey if I could maintain proper positioning. My monkey catching days were long gone but in a moment everything came back to me.

Soon I was next to his tree. I shimmied up quickly maintaining a deathly silence. I knew I had to move fast now. I was 15 feet up and I could see Louie’s back 5 feet from where I was. I braced myself off a branch and leapt snagging Louie’s arm firmly in my grasp. The great orangutan squalled at the attack and surprise. We both fell turning in mid-air. It was only a twenty foot drop but it seemed like ages. As soon as we landed Louie swung his free arm and clocked me right in the noggin. I responded quickly with a kick to the chest while still holding on to the other writhing arm.

I soon was able to flip Louie over and lock one arm behind his back. We continued grappling until I was eventually able to secure the other arm. It was in that moment that it happened. Louie became calm and said:

“I wanna be a man, mancub

And stroll right into town

And be just like the other men

I’m tired of monkeyin’ around!”

I was shocked. In that moment a tear strayed from my eye. I realised that Louie just wanted to be treated like me. He was tired of monkeyin around. Mercy pierced my heart and I set Louie free. Today, somewhere in Nashville, Louie stills roams the trees. The case of the missing orangutan continues.

Related:

What To Do About A MISSING ORANGUTAN

What To Do About THE CASE OF THE LOOSE ORANGUTAN

Anyway, the love triangle was interrupted by the humane society after a long night on Granny White Pike. One very warm April evening, unusually warm I might add, it was a balmy 73.5 degrees at 11 pm.

So one partner after another is the only thing I can tell you about this orangutan. That and she was running all around sevier park scaring all the locals. I think Judy had it coming… the way she would walk with that swagger, like she didn’t care if she got caught. Well, she is in a better place now.

It seems as if the tranquillizer dart hit her in the toenail and the sedative had no effect except that she went off like a bolt of lightning. Across the monkey bars, over the swinging bridge, and then BAM! She hit her head on the header of the curly slide. Out like a light. To think, the last thing she saw was a curly slide. Now she is on the big playground in the sky.

They said that Pete cried for 3 days while Alvin had found another mate by the end of the very next day. I think we all know what’s going on there.

Related:

What To Do About THE CASE OF THE MISSING ORANGUTAN

What To Do About A MISSING ORANGUTAN