You would think that there would be a trade off here with the cute and fuzzy to the loud and messy. There isn’t. I would much rather watch them run and frolic carelessly in my neighbor’s yard–as a matter of fact, I think that would be great and a good way to waste an hour of my morning. I digress.

What I want to do with those squirrels I can’t because of the hate mail I would receive, and then there are the neighbors always talking about the “gun laws”. I will tell you you exactly what I want to do with my little furry foe. I will tell you by first telling you about my uncle, trust me it will make sense in the end.

My uncle on my dad’s side, I can’t specify because there are seven, but I will tell you he is older than my dad and cleans his gun at the dinner table during dinner. One day when I was 12 my dad asked me if I wanted to go with him up to my uncle’s place. I said, “sure”, I didn’t really remember this uncle because there are seven, but I didn’t want to hang out at home because I have sisters.

So we get there in a little city called Covington, OH, where they have 5 bars and 2 stop lights. My uncle comes out of the garage and we joined him to go up to the house when he stopped dead in his tracks. He turned to my dad and said, “do you hear that?” My dad said, “what?” “Those damn squirrels are over there by my house again.” He proceeded to tell us that they had chewed their way into his house and made a giant nest where they had babies and they peed all over the attic till it soaked though the ceiling and down the wall. My dad was surprised to see my uncle return very quickly from the garage with a 12-gauge shot gun. He pulled two shells out of his pocket and my dad said to me, “son, cover your ears”. Then all of the sudden BOOM BOOM! Two toasty squirrels fell out of the tree and landed in the neighbor’s yard. Then I heard the neighbor say, “great shot, I will put these on the grill for you”.

So there you have it, this is the reason why I want to blast anything that doesn’t talk off of my property. It was the coolest thing that I have ever seen, and that is why my dad has never taken me back there. So what am I going to do? Well, due to the graphic nature of the solution, I cannot tell you, but I will tell you that when I find a “system” that works, you will be the first to know.

Slogans are interesting, as a matter of fact, the very word slogan is interesting. I mean who came up with this name and why does it sound like someone just got drunk and made it up. I mean slogan, really?? It sounds a lot like slur, or slow. The other words that start with the letters S and L aren’t that impressive, allusive maybe, but impressive definitely not! Allusive only because I can’t think of any other words that start with S and L right off the top of my head…

Moving on.

What if the word slogan had a slogan, what would it be? That’s like the question, if a tree falls in a forest when no one is around does it make a sound? Which is a yes, I think. If slogan had a slogan it would be, Slogan-The word that sums up the world. So in a world full of slogans I wonder what it would sound like if you had to say every slogan all the time…

Earlier today (today is the day dreams are made of) I was playing (because millions of people across the world love to play) words with friends (the word game that makes you seem smarter than you really are) and a thought (thinking – everyone’s doing it) crossed my mind that the world (the place where people come home to) is a scary place. When I sit (because standing is for losers) here and ponder (ponder is like wonder only more eloquent) my life (everything else is just death) I feel like I spend (spending – it makes saving look like a fat man with a donut) too much time (the other white meat (just wanted to see if you were still following)) playing games (games – why wouldn’t you?). That thought (just another thing you can do with your brain) entered my head (head or tails you can’t see without it) I was struck (like being hit but with vigor) with an idea (ideas are like storms of the mind), why not go for a run (running says, “I may not know how to exercise, but at least I’m doing something”). While on my run, I let my mind get carried (carrying is for the birds, get carried today!) away, I then decided that we should build (building is what men do when they are bored…) a tree house (houses are the new black).

This is just the tip of the iceberg, just imagine a world where slogans are used to describe every person in a few short letters… wait, isn’t that what facebook is doing? Crap… new idea!

Why? Ok, but why? It is not like we are talking about different species of dog or different types of bird. We are talking about a kitchen utensil. I am here to contend that the rubber, and sometimes silicone spatula, should have its own distinct name in order to differentiate it from the pancake flipper spatula.

Yes, you thought right. This is a momentous event. Once again, we are on the cusp of creating a new paradigm in kitchen organization and classification. We here at WTDA are always on the cusp. What would be the perfect name for our little, fellow scraper? Scrapula? Flapula? Rubber Scrubber? E petuti scrapa? I think we should call it a rubber paddle… or for you Spanish speakers, a paleta de goma.

Hey! Hand me the rubber paddle, I need to scrape the bowl!

Sold! Rubber paddle it is! Spread the word! So let it be written, so let it be done!

Let me give you a little back story. It seems as though Nashville, TN, is having a bit of a poo storm, a crapacolypse, a poopacain. Whatever you call it, the crap was surely hitting the fan, and the window, and the car hood. This crapfest is happening for some scientific reason that I don’t really care about. All I know is, I am the target of willful pooping and flying!!

As I venture out on my run, I don’t see a whole lot of anything going on. It’s cold and we have a long morning ahead of us. After a quick potty break, I find that I now have excrement on my pant leg. How? Where? I don’t know! It’s nut brown and all crusty. “Ok”, I said thinking this would be an isolated occurrence. Wrong! Mile 17 poop on my head… if that’s not enough it’s starting to trickle onto my forehead. Thankfully I had a paper towel in my pocket. I wiped it away with some trouble, I was trying to maintain a 9 minute mile. Soon our run was done and after some laughs about the impending poo, we went home where I quickly washed my hair.

The next morning I got up and was feeling responsible, so I swept the floor, cleaned the bathroom, and took out the trash. While I was taking out said trash, I thought, “man those birds sure are making a mess.” Just then I was hit for the third time!! Three times in 24 hours!!! That has to be a new world record?! How does that happen??

What to do about having your head shat upon is to carry an umbrella when there is an all night poop-a-thon! Especially if the birds fancy your head over all other unpooped upon targets! Crazy!

Am I able to tell you this because I have now found the perfect fit and ended my quest as a jobseeker? No, and therefore I think I am all the more qualified to tell you to take heart. I mean, so many people might not be able to identify with you at all and others can identify because they have been through it, but the feelings change so fast and looking back feels different than being in the midst of something like looking for work. Also, if you are able to take heart in the midst of your job seekingness (new word) then you are truly making progress in your quest to actually make something of yourself.

Am I getting sidetracked? No, let me carry on. So maybe you have an idea, a great idea, of what you would like to do and are not currently doing it and the path to doing it seems rather overgrown, hidden, and dark… not to mention the path costs money! You need a way to eat! And sleep! And pay for guides! And you need this all as you walk along this overgrown path through the forest (we are still talking about jobs).

So there you are, here we are, back at the beginning, and you are sending in resum√©s, cover letters, and scouring job boards. Not very fun, and seemingly not very effective. What is effective is prayer… and lots of it. Also, talking to people is mucho mucho more effecto. The more people you can talk to the better.

Another thing you can do, that is very effective, is targeting specific jobs and studying them and showing how it can be done better. That is, you can take an interest in specific companies and show them how much you care by putting time and effort into thinking about what they are doing and improving upon it. Then, instead of sitting at home applying for jobs, you can tell them you will work for free for two to four weeks and see how things work out. You get experience (internship for the resumé), and a possible way in with the company, and they get help.

Also, during your job seekingness (new word), make sure you remain disciplined in a schedule. Place strict time limits on all entertainment venues and distractions (limit TV, video games, social networking sites, etc). While you may have a shifted schedule due to meeting with people and job searches, do all that you can to maintain a schedule and/or a task list.

There is much to say when it comes to seeking a new job, it is almost as if whole books could be written on the subject. Regardless, my hope, our hope, is that you take heart little one, buck up buttercup, do not grow faint or weary. You will make it out alive. (Most likely).

Seriously though, I do find myself working out, doing chores, doing side work, running, and even biking without my shirt. I am not trying to be a show-off, but I just prefer being shirtless. I know most of the time it doesn’t make sense, but sometimes it does. It’s like when Tim and I were doing some side work at a friend’s house and it was 100 degrees outside. I was shirtless before you could say “it’s a scorcher out here”. Tim on the other hand just sweated it right out with his shirt on. Crazy! I asked him why he still had his shirt on, to which he replied, “I am just not a shirtless kind of guy”. What? I didn’t know there was any other type.

Tim’s words inspired thought in my head, “why do I feel a compulsion to be shirtless?” To which I must reply, I grew up this way. I can remember having no shirt and no shoes from May to October for like 9 years of my life. I didn’t burn in the sun and could run a 8 minute mile on gravel! It’s how I was raised, that’s my excuse and I am sticking to it!

Running and biking shirtless is funny to me because if I am competing, I usually have spandex on, and people’s eyes are fun to watch. The either look so hard that you feel naked or they immediately divert their eyes like my shirtless-ness is burning their peepers right out of their head. It’s laughable and entertaining. If I run with a pretty girl in spandex some of the guys are really torn. You can see the internal conflict, “should I look?”, “what if I see the dude with no shirt looking at me?” , “I can’t look”, “but there is a girl, I have to look”, “AHAH! my eyes!”

It’s great.

If you read this and are wondering what you should do, I say, if you got it, flaunt it. If you don’t… Flaunt it anyway. Flex those man titties till the cows come home, or someone asks you to stop. Rock it! Topless! I like my coffee with a nice muffin top! Is that a third nipple or are you just happy to see me? Put that thing away before I lose my lunch in it. Is that a coin slot or a tunnel to china? I don’t want to know just put it away!

The other day while walking out of Whole Foods Market, I almost bit the bullet. You see, not only does the flip flop not have good traction on a wet surface, but your foot, which is exposed, is now wet and is sliding off of the flip flop. Therefore, my flop went flip while my foot went flop, which almost sent me flying feet first!

Luckily, from my days as a neighborhood meter reader, in which I had to walk through every kind of weather imaginable, I have acquired a knack for catching myself while tripping. I think the trick is to let the foot go that is snagged or slipping. Just let it do its thing. In the meantime, use your other foot to correct your balance. You may have to let yourself fall in such a way that it makes it easier for your leg and foot to catch yourself, as you are falling in a manner with which your other leg is confident it can help you recover from.

Suppose you do not have the best coordination and would not be able to catch yourself, what else, what else could you do to keep yourself safe when wearing flip flops in the rain?? Well, you are in luck! We here at WhatToDoAbout.com have developed our proprietary Flop Chains! Just think of them like tire chains that you would put on your car when driving through heavy snowfall. Flop chains allow you to walk confidently in rainy weather. The comfortable leather strap nestles the top of your foot while the chains wrap the bottom of the flip and keep you from flopping.

Also, for those that cannot afford our custom Flop Chains, we offer custom engraved WhaToDoAbout.com canes. These beauties can be yours for only $750. The great thing about having a cane is that it really makes you a couple notches cooler, just for carrying it around. It is an excellent fashion statement that will transcend the years of your life, as you will enjoy it from 25 to 85. Spread out over 60 years, the initial investment is minimal, and the cane is multipurpose. Not only does the cane help you to maintain your balance through slippery conditions, it can also help you in warding off would-be assassins! Or, if you have kids, and we all know kids need discipline, you will always have your custom cane nearby to help provide that discipline!

There you have it! What To Do About WALKING IN THE RAIN WITH FLIP FLOPS! May you never fall in the rain again!

You’re welcome, is the new “that’s what she said”. It goes with everything and it’s family friendly!

You want examples? Well ok then!:

“What smells like hoho’s and feet?”; “you’re welcome”.

“what happened in the toilet?”; “you’re welcome”.

“my head hurts”; “you’re welcome”.

“I need to change my pants”; “you’re welcome”.

I could go on for days and days, but you get the picture!? Once you start, you will not be able to stop, it’ll make you laugh and you will be able to sit right back and watch others not laugh and then start doing it too. In fact, I think that is equally funny, when, after you are made fun of, the very same people find themselves giving into the game. It happened with “that’s what she said”, the “what” game, and now my new obsession: you’re welcome.

Try it, and if you don’t like it, you don’t pay a thing. You’ll find it to be glorious, I hope you fully enjoy yourself and I want to hear all about it.

So go, go now and make people laugh. I charge you to press others with your humor, borrowed as it might be. Do this, for it will greatly benefit… me. You’re welcome.

You all may remember the class action law suit from a lady that claimed that she didn’t know the coffee from the Mc Donalds drive thru would be hot. It was laughable, but she won like 2 million in a settlement, so I guess the only one laughing now is the lady with the burnt crotch, or er…maybe not. Anyway this seems to be a problem for me. I like coffee and have to be up at the butt crack of dawn for my job (which I might add, I love). I think a cup o’ joe is a good way for me to kick my brain in the balls so that I can at least think in the morning.

I have a travel mug that I acquired years ago, back when I would enjoy a kirspy kreme donut every other night. This mug has been with me through thick and thin, good years and bad, happy times and not so happy times. This mug has hit the ground two or three times and lost its top, like 2 years ago. Not a problem, as I like it topless! I can still sip from it without the lid… or can I?

I can remember the first time that this cup started its downward turn. I was heading to church and just as I pulled out of the drive way I sipped the coffee and then it jumped out right onto my shirt. I was not happy because I had to back up the car and go change, not cool.

Well, I have since replaced this mug after many years of good times and now I have a new mug that is a little less dangerous. Now I can sip with freedom, I can enjoy my coffee with utter disregard for my pants…wait that sounds funny, well, you know what I mean. I get my coffee as I head out the door, but I love it so much that I try and sneak a sip then AH! I burn my tongue… stupid coffee! Now I have a patch of dead taste buds that will be out for the day. Does this stop me from drinking more, sure doesn’t. I try again, only to discover its still really hot, I just want to enjoy my coffee, let me in, let me love you!

About 15 minutes into my 20 minute trip my coffee is cooler now and I begin to sip furiously because I cannot take it in with me. So I am sitting in the parking lot or driveway trying to get it down at the last second. Finally I have an empty mug. 20 minutes later I have to pee, then every 20 minutes after that. Stupid coffee!

You see I like to enjoy my coffee so when I have to hurry there is no enjoyment, there is nothing but frustration and angst, pure angst.

Here is how I plan on resolving this issue, getting up and going straight to the kitchen and heating some water to just about a boil I will pull the water and make some wonderful french press coffee. This will make it much easier to drink, but tends to make it a little more stout. No problem though, I will now have a clean safe crotch and a mind that’s as smart as a tack, or maybe more like a butter knife. Either way I win!