I was enamored with the sweet glaze and yeasty aroma. I was blinded by my shortsighted taste buds! Those damn buds!

It seems, at a lot of seminars, conferences, or church events, that donuts are a common attendee. I do not mind if people want to eat donuts, I mean, they can if they want, but I don’t want to eat donuts. Should I care more than that? Should I say something? Oh, but it is always such a hassle.

Many of you know that Terry, Nate, and I are whole-foods-eaters. We eat stuff that is sane, as opposed to high fructose corn syrup. We eat real food, as opposed to artificial food, like in those flavored chips you are eating. Put down the chips!

Ok, ok, so I am all for making stuff at home with high quality ingredients. I mean, coconut oil! Yes! Or Avocado oil! Yes! Canola oil? No! Vegetable oil? No! Corn Syrup? No! Raw cane sugar? Sure.

So, you can see my dilemma with donuts at drive-by establishments. I would rather smoke a cigar. “Donut?” “No.” “Cigar?” “Sure!”

As with all of these type of events, usually there is something you can take part in so that you can be seen as a participant, you know, as part of the gang. So I suggest going for the uh… water! Go for the water. Then, maybe later, you can fill out an anonymous comment/suggestion card that suggests having some fresh cut fruit or vegetable trays at the next event!?

Why anonymous? For some reason, people are so touchy when it comes to food. They get all offended or weirded out if you eat different than them, and then they feel guilty, and then they look at you with that slant in their eyes… oh, I know the slant. I can slant with the best of them.

I know exactly what I am missing: some plaque, a fatty liver, diabetes, and a depressed immune system.

I found myself watching all kinds of design shows, remodeling shows, and house hunting shows. It was like I was right there with them doing the work, but without the sweat and tiredness. I fell in love with a certain program called “Holmes On Homes” with a fellah named Mike Holmes. I liked this dude the moment I saw him! He said things like “this isn’t a quality job” or “that butt splice is next to the conductor, that is below the code requirements for this year of home”. Brilliant!

This guy goes to the people that have been duped by bad contractors doing poor quality work and rips it down, then does it right. All along the way he tells people why it was wrong and how he is going to make it right. He is built like a brick house too! Seriously, you could race chariots on those shoulders. I can respect a man that can swing a hammer and drive a 16 penny nail with one shot… all while his eyes are closed and holding a cup of coffee. Plus, a very present respect for physical fitness, well my friends… that’s my kind of contractor!

This program is so addictive for me that I watched it during the first, albeit preseason, football game of the year. I couldn’t resist, I love that show… and maybe, Mike, too.

I do have an idea as to why I like the show, and the channel for that matter. I like to see a good job completed, as well as a right wronged, all while learning a thing or two. My favorite thing about Mike Holmes is that he is NOT a gay designer! I have nothing against them, but I often wonder, is it a prerequisite for being a designer or having your own show on HGTV? The answer is NO! Mike Holmes saves the day, he’s not even metro-sexual!

I suggest you check it out.

If you are a pal, you know how to say these things to your pal, because you realize that you yourself, at times, lack imagination and optimism, make grammatical errors over and over, and have boogers hanging from your nose. If perchance you have none of those things, then you are an A-class weeny and thus you are already sufficiently humbled from your own weenyness.

As I already mentioned, being a pal can be hard work. For this very reason, many people quit being pals. They shy away from the hard work it takes to be a pal. They wither like a violet in the sahara desert.

Interestingly enough, it is easier to put in the hard work of being a pal with different types of people. You see, some people make the hard work of being a pal easier, just by the type of person they are, while other people make the hard work of being a pal even more difficult.

So, you can see, the first step in being a pal, is carefully and wisely picking the people that you will be a pal to. Now, of course, in one sense, you will be a pal to everyone and anyone, but in this instance we are referring to “pal” as those you see on a regular and recurring basis. Are your pals patient with you? Or are they just pretending and pretentious? Does your pal(s) make you feel more alive? Do they give you life or suck the life right out of you so that you feel as dry as a spring in the sahara desert?

Good answer, good answer. In order to be a good pal, you must have strong moral conviction,s or else you will end up not being a pal, because being a pal is looking out for the good of your pal and if you do not have convictions against things that are bad for your pal, then how can you look out for the good of your pal?

Well, I, for one, have good pals. A good pal tells you the truth even if it is hard to hear, or hard to say, I should say. Ok! So, for example, if your pal kills someone, I recommend turning them in. Be a pal!

Back in the day, peaches were among my favorite fruits. Maybe they still are and I just don’t know it, but the berry family has made a significant play for the top spots. I once ate 14 small peaches in one day. No, I did not have any problems digesting that, whatsoever. I take probiotics, you know. Besides, it was like eating 4 regular peaches since these peaches were super small… small and sweet, sweet, sweeeeeeet.

When looking for peaches, look for peaches with an excellent smell, a nice aroma. For ripe peaches, they should give or yield to slight pressure and they should not have any green on them. If your peaches are not ripe, you can speed up ripening by placing them in a paper bag (which will trap the gases that aid in ripening), or you can just place them in a fruit bowl and wait… that is what I do. If your peaches are all ripe and you cannot eat 14 in one day like me, you can place them in the refrigerator… I guess. Peaches picked green and ripened will not get any sweeter, so it is best to get them fresh picked… and for that, I am betting on farmer’s markets, or side-of-the-road stands. Yep. Then, the only thing you have to worry about is, did they spray the peaches with a pesticide that will leave you impotent?

I like to look at peach pie, peach cobbler, but I like to eat fresh peaches, peach jam, peach cookies, and occasionally peach ice cream. Peaches are still in my top 5.

I run regularly and bike on occasion, but as already mentioned in my article about competitive swimming, I need much swim practice. Aside from the fact that I have never combined all 3 sports before, I guess I should start now!

Right away I went for it, swam, biked, and ran all in one day. It was tough, but we over trained. Even though Jennifer, my teammate almost passed out, I felt really good about things, till, that is, I swam with Kyla again… this means I went right back to drinking more pool water.

A little stressful? Uh, yeah!

After doing some time trials and a few short runs, I was convinced that I was going to suck at triathlons. The Friday before the tri, I ran twice, once with my workout buddy and the other was with my boot campers. Afterward, I felt heavy and slow. I hadn’t even swam that day. Not cool!! Now I am feeling slow on two of the three sports. This is bound to suck.

Either way, it was time to buy spandex! Kyla, my wife and I all went spandex shopping. After making our initial stop, we found that all they had was xtra large tri suits. I will not wear a onesy! Not now. Not ever! So, it was off to another store. Across the street.

Here we found one whole rack devoted to tri apparel, and it was on sale. After being spotted by the sales person, she must had seen the scared looks on our faces when we saw how short and tight their spandex was, she came over to make the sale She did a great job selling us the right spandex. And we did a great job trying them out. Running in circles and doing lunges, we felt comfortable. We will take them!!

It must have been the way the spandex held things together. Because everyone thought I was an intermediate athlete. Which is funny because I hardly consider myself a competitor, much less an athlete. Well, whatever. I went with it and was feeling good… till I jumped into the water to do a warm up lap. I drank some Cumberland river water… through my nose! It’s hard to keep your game face on when you are coughing like a first time smoker in the water.

Race time! Everyone in the water. Off I go, over the river and through the woods. After suffering through the swimming, I managed to complete it in 15 minutes. This is a far cry from the first time I swam with Kyla. See article. I jumped on my bike and away I went. This is my sport and I dominated it. Flying up hills and passing everything in sight. I could have went 12 more miles! But alas, I have to run… Which is like fast walking through calf deep snow. I finished it and that’s all that matters! I didn’t stop, not even to pee. It was great.

Next time, I’ll give my body at least 3.5 weeks to prepare. That should do it, I mean I don’t ¬†want to be consumed by the sport. Right?

I have had this place in my heart for rap since I was 16. Getting down with some Bone Thugs and Harmony, 2pac, DC Talk, and of course some Gospel Gangstaz. I know it’s crazy, but I liked some stuff from all of them. When I would listen to rap music I felt like I could beat up anyone even though I didn’t have too. A simple blank stare would scare anyone off, so long as California Love was playing in the background. I learned to play the drums while listening to and playing to DC Talk, Audio Adrenaline and Newsboys. These were also a little more accessible in our house, because my mom felt like if you were listening to bad music you were bad.

So few of my friends like rap music, they are very few and far between. I am listening to some as I write this article and my buds have this look on their face like “is this going to happen all night?”. It may, but probably won’t because I care what they think, kind of… now onto Ace Of Base.

What will I do about listening to rap music? I will continue to let it fly in my iphone shuffle playlist because it can be the perfect compliment to some “new metal” or snuggle right up to some “piano rock”. I will roll down the windows and blare that stuff… till someone walks up beside me, then I will turn it down so I don’t get beat up. While sipping my gin and juice!

I want him to learn lots of instruments, but piano must be first. Why? I am glad you asked…. Because it takes more work. Doubt that? Then, Mr. Smarty pants you try it. Either way, this is the order of play when it comes to instruments in our house.

-Piano
-Drums
-Guitar
-Bass (by this time it will be cake)

When it comes to sports, there is a list that must be followed whether he likes it or not.

-Football
-Baseball
-Hockey
-Rugby
-Polo
-Water polo
-Golf
-Field hockey
-Frisbee golf
-Competitive swimming
…..maybe soccer, but not if I can help it.

There is always a list, even when you think there is no list, there is always a list. If you doubt this, ask your wife or any respectable woman, she will tell you. So fellahs, you learn to play the piano and suddenly the women won’t be so hard to figure out. Just play one note on the piano and suddenly she is fixed!

I know, I know, all this coming from the guy with 27 moving violations, 3 non- moving violations and 2 crosswalk violations. I guess the difference is that while I flirt with danger, my sister straight up kisses it on the mouth! We both were bred for danger, we drive like everything is a race and everyone is a viable competitor, even the 78 year old in the cadillac. You all are going down!

I don’t know that I am a better driver, but I must say that I only drive crazy in spurts when I get in one of my moods. My sister seems to be in one of those moods all the time, and I don’t think she knows it. It’s like taking a squirrel, putting eyeliner on it, spinning it around in circles, then feeding it speed laced brownies, slapping it in the face, giving it a Chrysler 300 and hoping for the best! The squirrel would still drive better. Good God, woman, keep it between the lines!

I am not normally scared in the passenger seat, as a matter of fact I sometimes enjoy it, so long as I am not riding shotgun with Carrie (likes to use the brakes on the highway) or Andrew (he really likes to tell people how they are driving). One of my favorite friends to ride shotgun with is Tim. Tim has read enough Car and Driver/Motor Trend magazines that he pisses defensive driving. My sister, on the other hand, makes me feel like I have been recently rescued from a terrorist right before he started torturing me ( still tied up)… speeding down the highway as the terrorist is shooting at us, she ducks and dives into the right lane. Passing and weaving like she is an over zealous hair dresser and the lanes of the highway are a head of flowing locks that she wants braid… very badly!

You are wondering what to do about this? Well, I will tell you! I got out my phone and called her. She answered. I then told her I was telling mother. She laughed hard (inside joke) and we made it to the coffee shop alive. Just imagine how she drives after a cup of joe.

It is important to monitor the kitchen towel, especially if you have unobservant roommates or family members, as they may have inadvertently wiped up chicken blood, or, perhaps, maybe coffee was spilled on the counter and the towel was set in it and then placed right back on the handle without anyone noticing.

Some people like to have two towels in the kitchen, one towel to use for hand drying, and one towel to use for drying dishes. I think the two towel method is useful for maintaining a cleaner towel for longer periods, although, while you may be able to stretch the usefulness of the clean towels, you now have the extra work of watching, swtiching out, and washing two towels as opposed to one. I like having two towels in the kitchen just so I can use one to snap people in the bum, but that’s just me. Towel snap!

So, as you should have been able to glean, the most important thing for excellent use of the kitchen towel is keeping it clean. The second most important thing is to allow it to dry properly in between uses. Sure, sure you will have times when you need a towel to clean up a dirty mess, but then that towel will go straight to the wash and will not be a regular customer of your hands or dishes for the next week.

If you fail to clean your towel or allow it to dry properly, it will develop a a terrible smell that will haunt you in your dreams. The smell will overtake your every thought and permanently bind you to its will. You will never again escape its clutches. It will be the farthest thing from the most interesting smell in the world, and yet, everyday you will think you smell the smell, even when you do not.

My boys just received a gift from their grandmother, my mother-in-law. She likes to send them, and my wife, gifts. I get cold shoulders, which are fine so long as they are quiet cold shoulders. I don’t need a shoulder that’s going to tell me that I am a bad husband and father. Right? So cold shoulders all around… I digress.

The slip and slide came in the mail, and by slip and slide, I mean a Big Lots knock off of an American classic. What’s the difference? About 3 feet and a cool logo that says Slip and Slide! Not to mention the patent yellow color that made you want to wet your pants while you ate a banana. Not you? Well aren’t you a Happy Henry?! I loved that yellow slip and slide as a kid and partway through adulthood. A slip and slide was a poor kids pool! We would ride that thing till we wore a hole in it! Then duct tape it.

In my early 20′s, I found myself at a youth conference as a youth counselor, I know, right? They let me in, and at this conference there was this epic 100 ft. slip and slide that went on for days. It was amazing! You had to soap up and then take off running, jump on, reach 35 MPH and then hit the mud at the end, but only if you were fast enough. Good times, good times!

My kids’ new slip n slide isn’t quite the same, but it has ole’ dad thinking about the way things used to be. I am currently plotting and planning ways to build another 100 footer in someones backyard. It’s the stuff that dreams are made of.

Aside from being incredibly fun, fellahs, you will have the ladies lined up around the block trying to catch a peak or take a ride. Your dating problems are solved! It’s what I do. Now go make some slip and slide dreams come true.
Remember when hitting the slip and slide you must go belly first to save your knees the pain of hard grassy surfaces. If you think you can handle the fall try standing up and seeing how far your can make it without falling. Remember to soap up for safety.