I was swerving and drifting and spinning and skidding and having a ball. I wondered to myself if my car could do a donut… So I found an empty intersection on a quiet street and made a bunch of noise!

After successfully doing a donut with my car, I had to show everyone (video coming soon). I wanted to take my boys out for a ride and show them the importance of evasive driving, with a couple of donuts sprinkled in there for good measure. Now, everywhere I go with my oldest son, he asks me, “daddy can we spin a donut here?” I have to say “no” but it pains me to do so…

You know what happened when my dad came into town? Well, donuts of course!! I took him with me under the pretense of “come with me to run some errands”, which really meant, “let me try and make you dizzy with a few donuts”. When we reached the private street I told him what we were going to do and he looked at me and sighed then said “son… I don’t think…, well, go ahead.”

I gladly obliged him with not one, but two donuts, it was glorious. He only yelled stop after the smoke blocked our view of the road so much that we could not see where the edge was. My dad said, “wow” which meant, “son, I have never been prouder than I am right now”. How did I know this? His chest was swollen with pride! When we got home the tires were still smoking, and my dad said “that’s a nice car” which really means “I love you son, and thanks for the ride”.

We see eye to eye… Especially on communication.

The friend – drives like someone punched him in the balls for no reason whatsoever. He is always flailing his arms and screaming profanities that are often uncalled for. Not to mention they are down right embarrassing! I am not one that cares too much for what other people think of me, that is of course so long as I am being myself. Yelling at other drivers that are abiding by the laws, but are maybe a little too cautious, is a little bit too much. Which I believe it to be more effort to curse and carry on than to just go around. This effort is something that is practiced so it would not be what comes naturally. It’s a bad habit.

So, if you are pissed when someone takes an extra second to turn the corner, maybe you should inquire as to why this is. Maybe you need a hug? Or maybe you just need a swift kick in the pants? Or maybe you just need me to tell you that it’s not cool, and you are not cool when you do it. So hey! It’s not cool, so stop dong it!

The family member – has spent one too many days behind the wheel of a big rig. This family member calls cars “four wheelers” which is nearly another article itself! He talks to cars like they can hear him… they can’t. But rest assured, if they could, they would tell him to shut up. It may be true that none of the four wheelers out there care about the big rigs, but don’t take it personally. And for crying out loud! Stop gettng mad at them for your 6 lane right-hand turns!

In summary, I personally think that dealing with crazy, lazy, extra safe drivers can actually make you a better driver. This will only happen if you will first stop yelling, gesturing, flailing, honking, headlight flashing and just being outright outraged. You too can be a more aware, more aggressive driver! Why is this important? Because you will have more friends, your wife won’t tell you how to drive, you will become a nice guy, and gosh darnit you just may be something someday!

The deal was done, except for the fact that it was still in Ohio, while I was busy down here in Nashville working 12 hour days. I thought I had solved the problem by having my parent drive it down two weeks later, but the day of the “pick up” they got snow. A lot of snow… 18″ of snow! This would have been no problem if they would have left on time, but oh no, they were running late, as I suppose you do when you are old. By the time they were ready to go the snow was up to an inch on the road, just an inch you ask? Yes, an inch. This wouldn’t have been a problem for any other Ohio driver, but my parents, or primarily my mother is afraid to drive on snow, rain. gravel, highways, mountain roads, hilly roads, or any road with the name dead in it.

I remember when my mother and I would drive into thunderstorms to look for tornados, and now she is afraid of rain and snow?? Whatever, I suppose it goes with the turning 50 thing. There was a solution for this problem! The problem being that I needed the car ASAP, and the solution being a shiny plain ticket.

I hopped a plane to Columbus, where all my friends were to busy to pick me up, and I had to have my mom and dad come and get me. They picked me up and quickly informed me that we weren’t going straight home… fine I guess one or two stops wouldn’t hurt… I mean it was only 6 pm. The night was young, so I thought. We slowly made our way back to Dayton after about an hour and 45 minutes of mom telling dad when to signal, when to accelerate, when to brake, and when to speak! After I had my fun telling her that maybe she should drive, we stopped for a burrito. This is when they told me that we had to pick up my sister… it’s now 8 p.m., and she doesn’t get off till 8:45. This whole ordeal is starting to get annoying.

We make our way over to my sister’s work at about 25 MPH, the roads were icy and there was 18″ inches of snow. Well, it looked more like a foot, but I didn’t have a tape measure. After picking up my sister we found ourselves heading home and it is now about 9 p.m. We pull in front of the house, after driving the back roads for 40 minutes, only to stop in front of the house for my mom to say… “let’s show Terry where his sister got stuck last night”. I quickly said no, they could show me in the morning, knowing my new car was sitting in their garage waiting for our meeting.

Mom said it will only take a minute and like a robot my dad drove off, “it was right there… so close!!”. They belted out in laughter and said, “is that why you wanted to get home?”. I said, “I just bought a car that I have not seen or driven yet, and you want to take a ride down the road for no reason?!” They laughed all the more as they drove down the street and showed me where they were stuck…

Never again!

Cars are better than women because they don’t talk back, and when you give them gas they don’t slap you! I mean, who’s ever complained about their car and their woman in the same sentence… unless it’s in a country song. I sometimes feel like I could detail my car in half the time that my wife could get herself ready. I mean come on, really? The beauty of a good clean finish on your car, you know that? When it gleams in your eye almost winking at you. That. That my friends is when you know you found something special, something that can only belong between a man and his car.

Now that you have found this lovely piece of machinery you must get it or keep it clean depending on the condition of the vehicle upon purchase. I have comprised a list of instructions for the detailing of your new chariot:

• Clean interior thoroughly with low gloss vinyl/leather cleaner -¬†Low gloss because your dash doesn’t need to be so oily that you can’t touch it without getting grease stains on your hands or clothes.¬†
• Use a Q-tip to get into those hard to reach places -¬†There is no reason your ac vents need to be dusty. Those seat belt slots should be well cleaned also!
• Vacuum like never before -¬†Move the blasted seats up and suck the crap out from under the seats and on the sides were everyone likes to drop french fries.
• Wash car -¬†Top to bottom with no drying of the soap or bathing the car in the sun.
• Dry car -¬†Water spots suck!
• Dry door, trunk and hood jams -¬†Thorough boys get more appreciation from the ladies, at least that’s what I heard
• Wipe down the engine -¬†This will make you and your mechanic proud
• Do the windows! -¬†There is no reason for slacking now!
• Dress the tires with tire shine -¬†Make everything shine, but don’t put on so much that you get it all over the rims or splatter it on the car.

If you have not done ALL these things, then please don’t say things like, “I will detail the car for you” or, “she’s detailed and ready to go!” It takes about 2 hours to do it right, but the satisfaction will be worth it. You know you have done well when you can’t stop staring at it while you are walking away.

My car hunt is over!! I found the car of my dreams! No, really! I have been after this car since 2001. My friend Tim and I used to sit around and talk about having one. After all these years I finally found one, or found one cheap enough, whichever works. I purchased my car this last week and it has been amazing, the whole process was a blessing in itself. It is everything that I thought it would be and so much more. I told my wife it was like seeing a naked woman (her) for the first time, you keep looking again and again (at your wife) to make sure you are seeing what you think you are seeing. She laughed and said that I was crazy, if she only knew…

I started driving my car on my daily rounds about the city, training and bringing pain to select persons. This seemed new and quite exciting as does everything that I do in my new car. One thing that felt really new was spinning donuts in it, this felt new because I have never had a car that would spin a donut on anything other than snow. It was a scene straight out of Motor Trend magazine and it, my friend, was glorious. There is nothing like the smell of fresh burnt rubber after a fresh burnout, it’s so good I am thinking about bottling it as a new scent for men!

Driving this car has made everything new and exciting, even stop lights are fun, no… I don’t know why. Putting gas in it is also exciting, it does require premium as did my benz but this just feels more right. Maybe it goes back to the donuts, or the fact that if I was in a life threatening position I could depend on my car to move me very quickly. Yeah, the last one sounds much better!

Do you have a car that excites you? One that you will gladly drive till the doors fall off? If not, I recommend you find one and then pay cash for it. This will give you a lot of satisfaction, especially if it can spin a mean donut!

I feel like I should have a cape and a scroll with wise proverbs and instructions from the good people of the north… hmm… maybe a nice velvet robe too… I don’t know, maybe not. Or, should I have a club (blunt object) for each piece of advice I share? One that says, “plow your streets, then apply salt”, number 2 would say, “don’t sled on the street, especially when there are brick mailboxes around you”, 3 would say, “never use a shovel to clear snow off your lexus, or any other car for that matter”.

I just want to provide some basic tricks of the trade, from the good people that brought you deep dish pizza, sky line chili, and car manufacturing. How to survive the snow would be what I would call it… NO, Wait! Surviving snow for dummies! is even better.

We recently received about 5-6 inches of snow, depending on who you ask. This snow, or Armageddon as it’s known here, came on us after two failed attempts at getting the weather prediction right in the first place. Once they had finally figured out if the snow was coming (2 hours before the first flake) ALL the schools were closed and most businesses decide to close early. As if this weren’t enough, the impending snow came and fell as finally forecasted, the rest of the city “clocked out” as it were.

This is where the rest of the madness started, you know? People slipping and sliding like they had never driven on snow before…Oh yeah they haven’t! I heard about maybe 50 sledding accidents, numerous (too many to count) car accidents, two of the 13 snow plow/salt trucks tipped over and let’s not forget the dude I saw clearing his Lexus off with a metal scoop shovel… FAIL!

I know you southerners are all laid back and stuff, but really? It takes just a little common sense when navigating a sled. If you are speeding toward a large blunt object, lean to the left or bail out altogether. If you have too much snow on your car and cannot see out of the windshield and you don’t have an ice scrapper, please use a broom, NOT a shovel! Please drop your snow blade on the ground if you drive a snow plow, that IS why they call it a snow plow. You will then find the very bottom layer of ice and then you can apply the melting agent. Secondly, if you are driving a snow plow, please feel free to check up on said area after dark and take care of the problem areas.

Just a little friendly advice from up north, you know? The people that get more than one snow a year…..You’re welcome!

So now I need a car, instead of buying my wife some wheels, we have to find me a car. I jumped right onto the trusted online shopping mall I like to call craigslist. There’s only one problem, this mall looks more like a flea market, but with convicts from other nationalities.

The nationals want you to send them money and they will ship you a car! Ship me a car!? Who does that!? Not this guy, I am not going to send you a check to help you out for something I have never seen or driven. Shhhyeahh! Right!!

These scammers used to do this with bank accounts and then moved up to telling you that you have an inheritance coming from some dude you don’t know. Now they want to ship cars to us for our inspection and pay them before they ship these “cars”. Craziness!

What makes this even funnier is that the website has at the top of the page “anything involving car shipping is a scam“. Not ‘maybe a scam‘ or ‘could be a scam‘ but, it is a scam!

Do people fall for this?

The other thing is, the people that think they are selling a 12 year-old block of gold on wheels and want top dollar for it. This is annoying because it never looks as good to us buyers as it does to the seller. “Oh, that will buff out“, “the miles are all highway miles” or my favorite “this car used to be my grandmothers“. There is too much to say here, but I will tell you that grandmas can spin donuts with the best of them…

So remember, when shopping on craigslist, patience, patience is the key to actually finding a great deal. When you do find that gem of a car, make sure that it was taken care of. If you cannot trust the seller, then bolt!… it wasn’t meant to be. But, if the seller shakes your hand with a tear in his eye, you can rest at ease, that man loved his car!

Yeah, I hear you! Some girls know which way is North but they were told by men. North is important, but leadership is a must. If he is a good man he will head North, kill his own meat, start a fire (climate control) and then grill the meat.

Climate control is not necessarily a manicle but it comes close. You see, we as men should posses common sense for ourselves and for the women we love. So when she tried to shut the heat off in the car after only moving down the road about 3 miles, you can tell her that she is not qualified to make that decision. Turning the heat completely off is not an option. You can ask to turn it down, but you must not touch a mans knobs. At least not while he is driving anyway.

Fellahs, the proper way to heat a vehicle for a road trip to anywhere, is to turn the fan dial to #2 and the heat needs to start at the hottest setting. Once desired tempurature is reached you can tap the heat down to the 3/4 mark. If it is still too hot then you may move the setting to the midway mark. This should suffice so long as there isn’t any women in the car that want it off.

Women are either really cold or really hot, never comfortable. It can be annoying as far as climate control goes. If you are just dating you must ask her for her opinion and allow a little bit of room for her to touch the heater. After about 6 months of dating she should know what the deal is when riding in the car. If she is not married to you in a year then you are in luck! There is still time to get out… Just kidding!!!

Getting on the highway really isn’t that hard, but alas, some people really do make it that way, hard. I think it’s fun to watch people enter, especially the ones who are mad. They are not mad for any certain reason they just ooze anger. How do I know? Because they are usually yelling at their windsheild, or giving their steering wheel a severe tongue lashing. This lashing happens before they even get into merge position. Laughable I tell ya, laughable!!

So you want to know the untold secrets? The unsaid rules of the road as it pertains to merging? Well, let me tell you what merging doesn’t involve.

Merging doesn’t involve:

-Brake lights
-No signal drifting
-Horn honking
-Low speeds
-Yelling
-Middle fingers
-Cursing anyone’s mother

You can just about tell what to do when merging by reading the don’ts. I know you like it when I point out the obvious so I will tell you the untold secrets of merging. The unsaid rules of the road!

When merging please remember:

-The accelorator is on the right
-There is no room for brake lights
-Screaming at the car next to you will not make up for your short comings, no matter how loud you get and how much you move your hands.
-Use your signal
-Use the whole length of the ramp

That’s it! I know it’s simple really! Just commit to following these rules. You do that and you will not go wrong! Rmemeber that the entrance ramp is your runway, hit the gas! Use these untold secrets of merging, the unsaid rules of the road with respect… and wisely.

I personally hate wearing my seat belt for all kinds of reasons, but the most common one that keeps popping up is that it will not make me or the next guy a safer driver. Secondly, is my free will not acceptable in the argument of safety first?

Need an example? I thought you might. If I am old enough to smoke, drink, enlist in the army, and vote then how come I am not allowed to choose whether or not I want to wear a seat belt. All those things have the potential to kill me but they are not illegal if you are of a certain age. So I am of that age… why does it not apply to seat belts?

Sure, I get that “it’s better to be safe than sorry”. What if I would rather be a better driver and not leave safety up to law enforcement, other drivers, or anyone else for that matter? For instance, I am very intentional about being a safe driver. I have avoided maybe 10 or more accidents that would have not been my fault. Even though I should have hit the guy to teach him a lesson. What lesson? The lesson that wearing a seat belt will not make you a better or dare I say smarter driver. I drive defensively and am very effective at driving well. What next? Will it be illegal to walk without a helmet!! Where does it end?

I will pay my ticket and likely continue to drive without a seat belt, but if I do decide to start wearing one it will not be because I feel safer or that it will protect me. It will be because I don’t have the $55 to waste on a stupid law!