If there’s a deadline, it will almost always be late. It seems to attract lateness like a moth to the flame. So how do we beat these deadlines? I don’t know your answer, but I will give you my list.

Stamp it. Add said deadline.
Prioritize it. Put it in it’s place.
Double stamp it. Move said deadline.
Do it. Actually look at the task and give it a title.
Triple stamp it. Move deadline back a day.
Finish it. Submit project for spell checking.
Triple stamp a double stamp. You can’t triple stamp a double stamp!
Complete it. Turn in and hope for the best!

I hope this list helps you, I put it to the test at least once a week. If you find yourself not finishing the list, then you may want to write the article “what to do about procrastination”. As I always say, “when in doubt, blog it out!”

You would think that there would be a trade off here with the cute and fuzzy to the loud and messy. There isn’t. I would much rather watch them run and frolic carelessly in my neighbor’s yard–as a matter of fact, I think that would be great and a good way to waste an hour of my morning. I digress.

What I want to do with those squirrels I can’t because of the hate mail I would receive, and then there are the neighbors always talking about the “gun laws”. I will tell you you exactly what I want to do with my little furry foe. I will tell you by first telling you about my uncle, trust me it will make sense in the end.

My uncle on my dad’s side, I can’t specify because there are seven, but I will tell you he is older than my dad and cleans his gun at the dinner table during dinner. One day when I was 12 my dad asked me if I wanted to go with him up to my uncle’s place. I said, “sure”, I didn’t really remember this uncle because there are seven, but I didn’t want to hang out at home because I have sisters.

So we get there in a little city called Covington, OH, where they have 5 bars and 2 stop lights. My uncle comes out of the garage and we joined him to go up to the house when he stopped dead in his tracks. He turned to my dad and said, “do you hear that?” My dad said, “what?” “Those damn squirrels are over there by my house again.” He proceeded to tell us that they had chewed their way into his house and made a giant nest where they had babies and they peed all over the attic till it soaked though the ceiling and down the wall. My dad was surprised to see my uncle return very quickly from the garage with a 12-gauge shot gun. He pulled two shells out of his pocket and my dad said to me, “son, cover your ears”. Then all of the sudden BOOM BOOM! Two toasty squirrels fell out of the tree and landed in the neighbor’s yard. Then I heard the neighbor say, “great shot, I will put these on the grill for you”.

So there you have it, this is the reason why I want to blast anything that doesn’t talk off of my property. It was the coolest thing that I have ever seen, and that is why my dad has never taken me back there. So what am I going to do? Well, due to the graphic nature of the solution, I cannot tell you, but I will tell you that when I find a “system” that works, you will be the first to know.

Slogans are interesting, as a matter of fact, the very word slogan is interesting. I mean who came up with this name and why does it sound like someone just got drunk and made it up. I mean slogan, really?? It sounds a lot like slur, or slow. The other words that start with the letters S and L aren’t that impressive, allusive maybe, but impressive definitely not! Allusive only because I can’t think of any other words that start with S and L right off the top of my head…

Moving on.

What if the word slogan had a slogan, what would it be? That’s like the question, if a tree falls in a forest when no one is around does it make a sound? Which is a yes, I think. If slogan had a slogan it would be, Slogan-The word that sums up the world. So in a world full of slogans I wonder what it would sound like if you had to say every slogan all the time…

Earlier today (today is the day dreams are made of) I was playing (because millions of people across the world love to play) words with friends (the word game that makes you seem smarter than you really are) and a thought (thinking – everyone’s doing it) crossed my mind that the world (the place where people come home to) is a scary place. When I sit (because standing is for losers) here and ponder (ponder is like wonder only more eloquent) my life (everything else is just death) I feel like I spend (spending – it makes saving look like a fat man with a donut) too much time (the other white meat (just wanted to see if you were still following)) playing games (games – why wouldn’t you?). That thought (just another thing you can do with your brain) entered my head (head or tails you can’t see without it) I was struck (like being hit but with vigor) with an idea (ideas are like storms of the mind), why not go for a run (running says, “I may not know how to exercise, but at least I’m doing something”). While on my run, I let my mind get carried (carrying is for the birds, get carried today!) away, I then decided that we should build (building is what men do when they are bored…) a tree house (houses are the new black).

This is just the tip of the iceberg, just imagine a world where slogans are used to describe every person in a few short letters… wait, isn’t that what facebook is doing? Crap… new idea!

Let me give you a little back story. It seems as though Nashville, TN, is having a bit of a poo storm, a crapacolypse, a poopacain. Whatever you call it, the crap was surely hitting the fan, and the window, and the car hood. This crapfest is happening for some scientific reason that I don’t really care about. All I know is, I am the target of willful pooping and flying!!

As I venture out on my run, I don’t see a whole lot of anything going on. It’s cold and we have a long morning ahead of us. After a quick potty break, I find that I now have excrement on my pant leg. How? Where? I don’t know! It’s nut brown and all crusty. “Ok”, I said thinking this would be an isolated occurrence. Wrong! Mile 17 poop on my head… if that’s not enough it’s starting to trickle onto my forehead. Thankfully I had a paper towel in my pocket. I wiped it away with some trouble, I was trying to maintain a 9 minute mile. Soon our run was done and after some laughs about the impending poo, we went home where I quickly washed my hair.

The next morning I got up and was feeling responsible, so I swept the floor, cleaned the bathroom, and took out the trash. While I was taking out said trash, I thought, “man those birds sure are making a mess.” Just then I was hit for the third time!! Three times in 24 hours!!! That has to be a new world record?! How does that happen??

What to do about having your head shat upon is to carry an umbrella when there is an all night poop-a-thon! Especially if the birds fancy your head over all other unpooped upon targets! Crazy!

Other kids though, they are quite different. As a matter of fact we had a child over that was quite found of condiments. Not only that, the boy loved cheese, he wanted it on everything. He asked for cheese for lunch and dinner, but the kicker was when he asked for it on his pancakes. Pancakes!!

I believe his words were “I would really like this with cheese”. I can’t understand if he was serious or just buying time to avoid actually eating his breakfast. Either way it sounded real nasty!

Why are our kids like this? They seem to only be attracted to the worst foods and/or the worst foods for you. I mean, our cheese was good… we don’t fool with that crap yellow cheese, no sir, we like our cheese raw… from raw milk, it’s delicious! So maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I mean, you could do way worse– like hot sauce!

If your kid wants to cheese it, just tell them to chill out. Food is made to be different! And no ketchup either! No matter what, unless it’s with french fries fried in avocado oil. No ketchup on the toothbrush either!

Happy parenting!

Seeing how this is my first year giving gifts to my wife, the first gift I got her was when we were still dating. There really hasn’t been a gift under the tree for her to open, that’s been from me, in like 10 years. Now before you get angry at me and call me all sorts of names, just know that we did this because we wanted to spend money after Christmas on each other. All that aside, that’s a long time to remember how to gift give all over again. I have had to relearn a number of things: picking up signals for gift giving, being sneaky about gift giving, wrapping said gifts for gift giving, and then there’s the whole buy stuff for my kids gift giving that I haven’t practiced with them ever.

There’s been no shortage of gifts on Christmas day, thanks to my parents and in-laws who are both very thoughtful and full of the Christmas spirit. They are so good at over-doing the gifts, we haven’t really missed out on the joys of the season for the boys. It’s actually a headache sometimes trying to figure out how we are going to cram all the stuff into the car to drive 5 hours from Ohio to Tennessee. I digress.

Now that you have the background, let me tell you that this year was a lot of fun when it comes to… gift giving. I had set aside money for the wife and was also really blessed by some amazing clients that saw fit to hook me up with some Christmas cash (completely unexpected and amazing).

So, I set out to make it look like I had bought the whole store, but for the life of me I don’t know why. I wasn’t trying to make my wife feel guilty, just loved. As I bought things, yes even things that could have, and maybe should have, been put in the same box, I made sure that they were wrapped separately for maximum effect. For some strange reason this has made me really proud, like I have been telling people that “I have killed Christmas, if it wasn’t a competition it is now”. That’s probably not good… I like to compete, even when it’s not called for or there really is no competition. I have nothing to prove, I think.

Aside from getting to fully participate in the gift giving experience it’s really hard to stop once you have started buying things. I can honestly understand how people get in debt doing this. I won’t do that, it’s taken too long to get out of debt to go back now. So let me give the guidelines to healthy gift giving.

1. Actually have the money. This is why we haven’t been fully involved in the gift giving process till this year.

2. Make a list. Check it twice.

3. Practice gift wrapping. Or have your wife wrap her gifts for you.

4. Get the kids working for you. I can have my boys do a “ride along” and find out what mommy is getting for daddy. This is just fun, proceed with caution.

5. Spend time being thoughtful. You don’t have to wow anyone, just read them, 2 coffee mugs and a pound of coffee was the best gift so far for me. (Thanks Ashley)

6. Enjoy it. This whole thing is about the JOY. If you can’t find joy in gift giving or family than you need to do some push-ups. There is way too much to be thankful for.

Happy gift giving, remember the Gift that was the greatest Gift ever given.

I have always said if you think my job is easy you should do it for a day, see how you like swearing, reschedules, no-shows, excuses and useless complaining. I am in charge, so that’s a plus, right? Well kind of… you see, when you are in charge of complainers you get to hear everyones complaints all the time. Besides that, you have to be twice as committed as the person(s) you are working with. Some for you, but lots for them. You got to bring the energy like it hasn’t been brought.

I love it though, after about 3 years of doing the instructing you get real used to the types of people you see come in the door. For instance I can spot these:

- I’m here because it’s cheap
This is just fine with me. Fitness should be accessible, but don’t complain when the class gets cut because of your lack of commitment (attendance) to said cheap class. Hence the reason for raising prices.

- Looks the part boot camper
The person(s) that come in wearing matching clothes with a gatorade bottle and a towel with their initials on it. Cool, but this isn’t a fashion show. Wearing that is just going to get you made fun of. Unless you are actually going to workout — then maybe not. (Strong maybe)

- Gum chewer
Ha! I love this boot camper as this is always a chance for me to establish two things 1) my authority which I don’t need to do with gum but do it anyways. 2) nutritional minute with Terry. This starts with: spit out that gum and then tell me what’s in it. Yes, I do make them spit it into my hand!

Now now, I have had some clients that are incredibly committed and always make me smile. These clients have been great – so great we all came up with these pseudo rules for first timers:

1 ) No gum in boot camp. Ever.
It isn’t real. It didn’t come from a “gum” tree.
2 ) There is no music in boot camp.
Because, there is no music in boot camp.
3 ) There is no asking about music in boot camp.
This rule makes everyone roll their eyes as I say “there is no music in boot camp”.
4 ) No dancing in boot camp.
Unless it’s me doing the dancing, don’t worry it’s free. Call it a bonus.
5 ) No un-sanctioned water breaks.
You’re butt is mine till say it’s not or till the top of the hour. You can drink water at every 1/3
6 ) No sitting
You can rest when you’re dead.
7 ) No talking in boot camp.
This isn’t curves, and I don’t need to know about your great aunts gout.
8 ) No quitting
Nobody likes a quitter. Not even you’re mother.
9 ) If you complain I complain
When I complain it will be about you and your lack of form, determination, proper hydration, loud feet, you’re lateness, you’re matching clothes, gum and why are you stopping!
10 ) Never talk about donuts, diet coke, or your late night indulgences of any kind.
This will actually make me mad, which doesn’t happen to me very often. You are killing the vibe and encouraging the others to make compromises away from my specific instructions.
11 ) You’re welcome.
For the soreness, throwing up, for the sweat, the weight loss, motivation, for taking you’re gum, for making my class affordable and for yelling at you when you’re late.

Besides these you should know the un-spoken rules of working with a trainer. Don’t ever say “I’m actually not sore” or “I wish we could do something for my butt” Oh we will, how about 100 lunges! “I’m actually really good at (enter any workout you would like your instructor to torture yourself and everyone else with)” Then there’s the little known rule, don’t ever say, “I come in a little late to skip jumping jacks” Haha, you just made the whole class mad at you, we WILL do 5 minutes of jumping jacks for no good reason.

Happy resolution season to all and we will see you in the new year if you are lucky!

For those of you who are newly married, single looking to get married, or somewhere in between, you need to be warned. If you like your mother-in-law, and I do, and by like I mean I don’t hate her… If you plan on staying with her instead of your own mother, oh boy. What happens here doesn’t make much sense, unless you are post-menopausal and angry with the world. Your mom will think that you like your mother-in-law more than her. We all know how crazy this is! You may want to stay with your in-laws for a host of reasons like: they are central to friends and activities, they are supplying you with a fully furnished apartment for your stay, and they will let you sleep past 9 am (but not without a guilt trip when you wake up). Then, of course you are going to make the logical decision.

Your mother may not see this as the practical decision, as a matter of fact she will just take it as spiteful and make constant mis-judgements on your character and the character of your wife. It doesn’t matter how wrong she is, or how many times you tell her to move closer to civilization. She won’t do it and she will blame you for your lack of compassion when it comes to her own failures at house hunting.

If this isn’t making any sense to you, you must be single or an only child, or maybe even just a jerk… either way, nobody cares what you think.

If you are looking to settle down with a nice girl, please, for the love of pete, make sure her family is at least 400 miles from yours. I honestly think it would be easier. Yeah maybe not practical for vacation time, taking off two full weeks within 60 days. BUT it will make the drama subside a little… at least I think it would. My mom is probably just looking for something to disapprove of.

If you are wondering what I’m going to do, you are in for a treat. After staying with my mother last time I was in town and realizing she and my dad were content to just sit and watch TV, I decided that I will make a rigorous schedule that will keep us moving and wear all of our family out as only I know how to do. If I can’t make the drama go away I will make them so annoyed they won’t want me to stay. Practical jokes are the gifts that keep on giving.

For instance, my wife has a slight clumsy gene that comes and goes every now and then. This — among other things, comes out in our kids.

As a matter of fact Elijah, our oldest, had a run-in with a slide the other day. This made him cry and run and hide… which he does when he doesn’t want people to see him cry… which he gets from me. Well, I tried to console him and had him laughing and playing in his hiding spot under the stairs at the playground. That’s when I said, “I am coming in there to get you”. He then got so excited that he turned and ran straight into the staircase. Which, of course, led to another fit of crying and hiding.

The clumsy side I can’t claim, but the run and hide part I have to claim. The sad thing is I don’t know why…

If you want kids, think about the bad stuff about you that they will make worse. Just food for thought when considering procreation.