I know the very title can be sexist. I also realize you may think that I am already sexist. I assure you that you are incorrect, especially if you are a girl… no really, I like to play games with your head and it’s easy when you have people (girls) reading way too much into your words. It blurs the vision and vision is essential in understanding that I enjoy humor. I mean it’s a “comedic” site right? If I don’t get you worked up, I don’t achieve joy, I know it’s hard to wrap your head around it, so take your time… you’ll get it.
So… I let the ol’ lady out of the house, but more so I let her out of town. Crazy? I know! She asked real sweet like, and it was cute, so I told her she could put her shoes on and step away from the stove and have some fun. By fun I mean take your phone and check in with me every hour and also that I will have you followed so that no other guy can even look at you without me knowing. Too much?… maybe so, but we all have our love languages, mine just happens to be “smother her”. Don’t be jealous, one day you’ll meet someone.
I’m now home with my two boys on my own, which is not so bad when she has all my meals cooked and organized, my clothes laid out and ironed, and my car vacuumed! It was rough… I mean I had to still change the little ones diaper, put breakfast in a bowl, get dressed and pay the babysitter (thanks Tim!). Taking the kids to work was a little bit of a challenge. I mean I had a babysitter for a partial day, but I still needed to do my night classes at the community center. After getting home around 6:30pm I bathed the little carpet munchers and fed them too. After my meeting ( Tim and I smoking a cigar and playing poker). I put them down at 9pm which was a treat for them because they usually go to bed at 8:30.
Another treat for them was that they got to sleep in my bed. I only did this so if one of them fell out all I had to do is reach over the edge and pull them back up. I would never have to leave the warm bed, and warm it was with two little boys in there. The night started off well enough, but at about 10:30 pm I noticed that my arm was dead because of the 2 yr old was curled up on it. I moved him over about 18 inches but he made it back over to me around 12:30 am. So I moved the oldest to the bottom of the bed and gave him another blanket. Now the boys are sleeping feet to feet on their moms side of the bed. Awesome! I can sleep now.
All was going well until about 2:30am when all the sudden I found that I had feet on my head and neck. 4 of them to be exact! After nudging them to move over, I get a nudge back, in the form of a kick to my face. which is better than a kick to the groin. After about 10 minutes of re-organizing them and a stuffed animal by the name of squidward, I now have a boundary where I can sleep. After a quick restroom break (shut up Tim) I get back to bed and get my remaining 3 hours in before I am awakened by the lack of blankets anywhere on the bed. At this point I give up entirely and go brush my teeth and make some coffee.
The moral of the story is no matter how lazy you become, there is never a reason to put your kids in your bed. Unless you don’t like sleep, or you, in fact, like being kicked in the face, don’t do it! If that’s you, I’ll bet you have a lot of friends!