*The following article is from a client and friend of mine (wtdaterry). Alice lets me beat her about the head and neck during boot camp. She is as funny as she is crazy for coming to see me everyday. You can check out her other work here. She’ll write your pants off, if you pay her!
Truthfully, this should be a quick post. The answer is simply that you can’t. Under normal circumstances anyway. I suppose if you had a bi-level house or apartment and was able to lock them in the basement, muzzle their meows, and superglue mittens to their paws, you might have a chance. Sadly, I don’t have mittens. So, for those of us who are stuck for all eternity with cats, here are at least some ways you can try to minimize the daily trauma to yourself. The cats won’t care either way.¬†
First, give yourself a quick pep talk before you go to bed, right after you’ve set the alarm. Say to yourself, “I will sleep until 8 a.m. with no interruptions. Tomorrow is my day!” Briefly consider purchasing an air horn and/or kitty drugs if your pep talk doesn’t work.¬†
At 10 p.m., as usual, the cats will begin the nightly ritual of wresting right outside your door, complete with body slams, hissing, and yowling when one is playing unfair. You have only barely started to fall asleep at this point. Keep your eyes closed but mumble to yourself, “Damn cats.” When the wrestling continues for a full 3-5 minutes, which it will, sit up in bed and yell, “Knock it off!” Cats will appear startled and gallop into the next room. If they do not relent, use excessive force (squirting with water gun which is kept on the bedside table at all times, and in severe cases, jump out of bed, chase them around the house, back them into a corner and squirt water directly into their faces. If this happens, you will feel feel guilt by the time you are back in bed. Sucker.)
Between 11 p.m. and 2 a.m., the cats will occasionally chase each other past your door but like most nights, one or both will end up curled at the foot of your bed. Ah. Rest.
At 4:30 a.m. you will have to get up to pee because you have a bladder like your grandmother. Good job. In doing so, you will displace and awaken the cats. Make a mental note to buy Depends at the grocery store next week.¬†
At 6 a.m. you will awaken with the sense that you are being watched. Roll over to see one of your cats staring at you. He’s probably been sitting there, plotting your death for the past hour or so. Roll back over and pretend to sleep. At 6:30 on the dot, your cat watcher will begin the normal “Feed me” meows. Every 5-10 seconds, just out of reach of your fist, foot, or pillow. You will ignore him, unsuccessfully until 7 a.m. You have to pee again anyway, might as well put some dry food down so the bastard will shut up.¬†
As you walk back to bed, your other cat follows and begins her morning routine of jumping on the bed, walking across your pillow, and standing on your chest. Most mornings she tries to touch your face with her paw. This morning, she has her butthole pointed in your direction. Thanks. Flip her off your chest, turn over, and cover your head with your blanket. Remember what it was like before you had cats. Sigh. As you sigh, you inhale a cat hair. Cough. Curse. Grip blanket tighter over your head. A piece of your hair is sticking out of the blanket. Your cat tries to eat it.
At 7:30 just give up. Just. Give. Up. Why did you ever think you’d get to sleep in? Idiot. The cats have won again and as you rise out of bed defeated, they prance away with their tails held high. They follow you into the kitchen to grab the can of food. Then they rush past you and beat you to their food bowls. You open the can, plop the food in, and they just stare at it.¬†
In your next life, consider purchasing a single goldfish. ¬†