It seems I have a strange affinity for jobs in which I will have to encounter a lot of neighborhood dogs. This article will be a valued resource for those who find themselves in a standoff with a neighborhood dog.

Perhaps you are a runner and like to take a jog around the neighborhood. Perhaps you are a meter reader. Perhaps you are a stupid criminal who is actually reading this article to deal with dogs that attack you. Whatever your reason for being in the neighborhood you need to be on your guard against ferocious animals… and dogs.

Most dogs are much more frightened of you than you are of them… and so am I… I mean, you are really scary looking! So when a dog runs at you… 90% of the time they are all talk… or bark. So you should turn and face them and go towards them. If you freak out and turn your back then they are emboldened all the more in their cowardice and they may come and bite you in the back of the leg.

Sooooo… what about the 10% of dogs that will run at you and straight up attack you? Well, for those I would recommend splitting them into two groups and then deciding. For the first group you would want to ward them off with a stick or rope or tree branch or find something useful to use. Punch them in the nose and stand your ground. BUT, for the second group of dogs… that is, those dogs that are trained to kill, I would recommend climbing the nearest tree, jumping on a car, or running like the wind and calling in reinforcements.

So in closing, just remember: “A dog is a dog, it eats it’s own vomit and likes to lick itself all while sneaking drinks from the toilet.” You can take ‘em.